The Value of Father-Daughter Relationships
Beth, a 26-year-old secretary was in a particularly good mood. She was actually glowing when a friend asked if her boyfriend had proposed to her.
“Her response took me by surprise,” says Ken Canfield, author of Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers and The Heart of a Father. “She told me her father initiated a phone call to her for the first time in a very long time. I noticed she had flowers on her desk and I asked who sent her flowers.
“With a huge smile, she told me her dad sent them to her for her birthday. Beth’s response to her father’s attention made me realize something. Even grown women hunger for love, attention and affirmation from their father.”
Research from Canterbury and Vanderbilt Universities shows that from birth on, a father’s activity and presence uniquely benefits their daughters.
“Many men operate off of the premise that if they were uninvolved in their daughter’s life as she was growing up, it is too late to make a difference,” Canfield says. “Thinking that the die is cast or the deal is done because our children are grown is something we must re-examine. It simply is not true. In a parallel vein, research shows the devastating impact of divorce affects adult children deeply. Contrastingly, the continued investment in your child’s life even when they are parents of your grandchildren will reap tremendous benefits for you and them.”
Studies reveal that men tend to spend more time with their sons than they do with their daughters. In fact, fathers tend to back away from the father-daughter relationship during pre-adolescence and adolescence. However, a girl’s need for attention and affection during that time period is even more important.
“When a father abandons a relationship with his daughter, she can become frozen in time relationally with the opposite sex,” Canfield says. “A 50-year-old woman may look like an adult, but on the inside she is still working on issues that should have been attended to by a healthy, engaged father.”
Based on research, we know a few more things about these relationships. Without a healthy relationship with their father, girls will find other ways to contribute to their development when it comes to relating to men.
“When you are frozen relationally, it is difficult to know your place and how to develop a healthy relationship. It’s because you are working from a point of need instead of working out of a position of co-equal,” Canfield says. “There is a void in her life. The search to fill that void prompts her to take risks in relationships, which usually result in some really poor choices.”
According to Canfield, limitless healing and restoration can take place in father-daughter relationships. Here are Canfield’s tips:
- Initiate communication with your adult daughter. Affirm her for the positive contributions she has made to your life or in the lives of others.
- Consider asking for forgiveness. The three toughest things for fathers to say are: “I was wrong, I am sorry, and will you forgive me?” Use these to deepen your relationship with your daughter.
- Ask your daughter for three ways you can support her in the coming year.
- Ask your child’s mother (who is an adult daughter) to describe how her father influenced her most significantly.
- Affirm your daughter’s femininity by being sensitive to her emotional highs and lows.
Cultivate an atmosphere of “no-strings-attached” love in your home. Be ready to listen to and support your children in every challenge.
What is a dad’s role in his daughter’s marriage? Sometimes the closeness of a father/daughter relationship can interfere with the couple relationship.
For example, one couple was arguing over purchasing a $600 set of dishes. According to the husband, they could not afford them. As a result, the wife was furious.
When she told her father that her husband would not purchase the dishes, her dad purchased them for her. Some might say, “Why is this a problem? He was just trying help.”
But most relationship experts would say the dad crossed a line when he got in the middle of something the couple needed to figure out for themselves.
If she thinks she can run to her father and get what she wants every time there is a disagreement about spending money, two things will eventually happen:
- The husband will grow to completely resent his father-in-law, or
- The daughter will stop discussing these things with her husband and go straight to her father to get what she wants.
Neither of these outcomes is good for the marriage.
Couples need to openly discuss these potential pitfalls of dad’s role in his daughter’s marriage and agree ahead of time about boundaries and expectations within their marriage.
For Fathers:
While it may be difficult, it is important for you to step back emotionally once your daughter is married. Even though you enjoy doing things for her, it is better to ask yourself one question: Is if what I am about to do going to be helpful to their marriage?
If the answer is no, don’t do it. OR, ask them how they would feel about you helping. If both aren’t in agreement that it would be helpful, then don’t do it. Let them figure it out.
It’s hard to believe that any guy will ever measure up and be good enough for your daughter. If you want their marriage to be successful, however, guard against criticizing your son-in-law.
Recognize it is not your job to control things. And while she will always be your daughter, her husband comes first.
Image from Unsplash.com
Jeff Harrell worked long hours in the restaurant business when his daughter was born. Alyssa was 3 months old when Harrell realized that she clearly had no interest in being with him.
“That’s when I knew things had to change,” shares Harrell. “I did not want my child to grow up not knowing me. My wife and I decided that I would quit my job, although I didn’t have another job offer.”
While Harrell was stressed about leaving his job, he also felt a sense of relief because he believed better times were ahead. Fast forward more than 20 years, and daughters Alyssa and Emily will be the first to tell you that their relationship with their father is special.
“I think one of the big things people love about coming to our house is hanging out with my dad,” Alyssa say. “More times than I can count, guys would come over, but they weren’t really here to see me or my sister. They were looking for my dad. He is a smart person and they can talk with him. He doesn’t tell them that their mistakes are ok and he encourages them to do better. Although he isn’t their bud, they open up to him and he doesn’t judge them.”
Alyssa and Emily have a special bond with their dad, but that doesn’t mean they always agree with his rules.
“My curfew was earlier than all our friends,” Emily says. “After dances, I had to come home instead of staying out with my friends. At the time that really irritated me because it seemed like I was the only one that had all these rules. Now I’m grateful.”
Their dad instilled in them the value of living a meaningful and impactful life. He also taught them the importance of staying away from compromising situations.
“Both of our parents gave us boundaries,” Alyssa says. “I know that was a good thing. We have friends who are jealous of our relationship with our dad.”
Harrell has no regrets about making career moves to be home with his girls.
While some dads work hard and think they have earned the right to play golf on Saturday, Harrell believes he has earned the right to raise his children and that should be his main focus.
“I have one shot to get this right,” Harrell says. “You don’t get to check certain boxes about what you will and won’t do as a dad. All the boxes are already checked. I signed up for the good, the bad and the ugly.”
Here are a few things Harrell has learned about a father’s love that he wants fellow dads to remember:
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Keep in mind your kids can either get wisdom and knowledge from you or they can get it from someone else.
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They can either spend time with you or someone else.
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Children can learn from suffering the consequences or seek wisdom instead.
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Dolls, tea parties, race cars, concerts and Muppet theater are all great ways to spend your time.
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If the relationship isn’t there before your kids leave home, it won’t be there after they leave.
“You may think your kids don’t really need you, but that’s not true,” Harrell says. “Being 100 percent involved may cost you monetarily now, but in the end it pays off in dividends you can’t buy.”
Making the Most of Each Moment
Like most families, the Whittaker family kept a pretty fast pace with three active children. Several years ago, an experience caused them to press the pause button and focus on making the most of each moment.
“We were in the car with our three children when Beyonce’s Single Ladies came on the radio,” said Carlos Whittaker, author of Moment Maker. “Our children started singing it and I started videoing the moment. When I realized our son was singing it, I told him, ‘You aren’t a single lady,’ at which point he bursts into tears. I apologized. I sent it to my mom because I thought it was cute and posted it on Facebook.”
Unexpectedly, the video went viral, getting millions of views. The family appeared on Good Morning America, The Today Show and The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and also received the People’s Choice Viral Video of the Year award.
When things calmed down a bit, Whittaker asked his wife why she thought the video was so popular. She said, “It is because you were authentic and showed a mistake. Most parents who make their kid cry would not post it on Facebook for the world to see.”
That moment was the catalyst for change in the Whittaker household.
“That conversation with my wife made me realize you can live your life or your life can live you,” Whittaker said. “These two statements sound similar, but they are oceans apart.
“Not too long ago, the average pace a human traveled was between three and 15 mph. Now we have rocket ships. Maybe we weren’t created to move this fast. Most of us are living life so fast we forget that what is happening right this second is important. I came to the conclusion that, instead of going with the flow, we would make the flow go with us. Instead of rushing through everything, I started trying to pause to perceive.”
Whittaker’s book, Moment Maker, is about making the most of life’s moments. The book identifies three types of moments: created, received and rescued. None of them have to be expensive or epic, just purposeful.
“A couple of years ago I created a moment with my daughter when I took her on a daddy/daughter date to Starbucks,” Whittaker said. “On the cup where they usually write your name and the type of drink you ordered, I had her write three words that described my daughter. When we sat down my daughter noticed the words and asked me what they meant, at which point I shared with her about the words. She still talks about that coffee date. ”
Received moments are those moments where pausing is the secret.
“We took our daughters to see Justin Bieber,” Whittaker said. “Right before he came on stage, one of our daughters was weeping. I looked to my wife to decipher what was going on. She said everything was fine.
“Driving home from the concert, I asked my daughter why she had been crying. She said, ‘Because I love him so much.’ My first inclination was to look at her and say, ‘You don’t love him; you don’t know the first thing about love.’ But I paused for a moment and then I said, ‘The tears that stream down your face because you love Justin Bieber…I want to tell you how the tears stream down my face when I see you at your best because I love you so much.’ The conversation shifted from why her love was right instead of why it was wrong.”
Rescued moments are the moments in which life happens. To rescue, one must open heart and hands. Without risk, there is no rescue.
Whittaker shared about sitting next to a guy on a flight to Atlanta. Despite Whittaker’s attempts at friendly conversation, the man had nothing to say. Whittaker assumed he was just rude.
Shortly before landing, the pilot informed passengers that winds were blowing at 40 mph. In order to land, they needed to be below 40 mph, but he said he was going to give it a shot. At that moment, Whittaker saw that the man was gripping the seat in front of him, tears were streaming down his face, and he was shaking.
“I realized the man was not rude. He was scared. I fought it for about five minutes, but then I made the decision to stick my hand out, barely open. Within a second, he was gripping my hand,” Whittaker said. “We landed and he was still holding my hand. We taxied to the gate and he was still holding my hand. When we got to the gate, I let go. Without saying a word, he got up and exited the plane.”
How can we intentionally leave a legacy if we are moving so fast that we miss the moments?
We each write a story as we walk through our lives. It doesn’t have to cost a lot of money or be super-creative. The smallest of things can make a huge difference in the moment for you and your family.
Kids Need Their Daddy
The pressures of fatherhood are great. On any given day, balancing work and family, finances and discipline usually rank at the top of the issue list. For years, our culture has told men that being a good provider equates to being a good dad. However, research is now sending a news flash that it isn’t all about the money. Children need a father’s presence in their lives.
Many men want to be involved in their child’s life, but “being involved” can mean different things to different people.
Ask yourself, “Why do I father my children the way I do?”
So many men are really trying to be great fathers, but it can be a struggle. Sometimes it’s because nobody was there for them growing up and they aren’t sure what it means to be a good dad. A lot of men promise to be more involved with their children because their own father wasn’t involved enough. Unfortunately, they find themselves hard-pressed because they don’t know what to do. They’ve spent a lot of time talking about what they aren’t going to do – and little if any time – discussing what they are going to do. So they amble along doing the best they know how.
In an analysis of nearly 100 studies on parent-child relationships, father love (measured by children’s perceptions of paternal acceptance/rejection, affection/indifference) was as important as mother love in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.
Specifically, the parent-child relationship studies showed that:
- Having a loving and nurturing father affected a child’s happiness, well-being, and social and academic success as much as having a loving and nurturing mother.
- If either parent withdrew love, it was equally influential in predicting a child’s emotional instability, lack of self-esteem, depression, social withdrawal and level of aggression.
- In some studies, father love was actually a better predictor than mother love for certain outcomes. This included delinquency and conduct problems, substance abuse, and overall mental health and well-being.
It’s important for men to learn how to balance providing for and nurturing their family, but many men don’t feel comfortable connecting with their children emotionally. As a result, they spend most of their waking hours away from home.
If you want to make something amazing happen for your family, you can.
Spending all your time away from them actually defeats the purpose. In many instances, your being there is better than tons of things and busy plans.
If you want to connect with your children more, these tips can help:
- Ask your children thought-provoking questions. Then listen so you can hear what they are thinking.
- Some of the best things in life are free. Walking outdoors, horseplay, tumbling on the floor, fishing, riding bikes and flying kites are totally free, great ways to connect. Many times children will not remember things you bought them, but they will remember things you have done with them.
So what’s the payoff for engaging with your kids?
The benefits are significant for both father and child. Children with an involved, loving father are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, and exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior. They’re also more likely to avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy and criminal activity.
Even though 18 years may seem like an eternity, it’s not. Children grow up really quickly, so maximize precious moments with them.
