You probably don’t need convincing that ongoing, open communication is vital to a healthy, growing relationship. If we’re honest, it’s a struggle to make it happen in our marriages. 

We all have our own reasons for why quality (and quantity) communication is hard for us, but I want to encourage you. I’ve yet to meet a couple whose communication was all it could and should be. We’re all in this together.

Sometimes you just need a little help getting started. Questions can be a catalyst. 

Productive answers come from provocative questions. These questions for couples’ communication can spark quality interactions. And they can draw you toward a deeper marriage connection. Buckle up.

Why work at communication? 

Let’s face it: Honesty, transparency, and vulnerability can go sideways – and fast. So, what are you trying to do? What do you need to try to avoid? 

• The goal is definitely not to be “right,” open healed wounds or hurt each other. This doesn’t mean you can’t be true to yourself or say hard things in a constructive way. Genuine intimacy-building conversations aren’t always comfy-cozy.

• The goal is to go deeper into each other and your relationship. It isn’t to exchange facts about each other. You’re seeking insights that move your relationship forward. You’re trying to understand each other’s thoughts and feelings so you can love better. Look for ideas and solutions that improve your life and marriage.

• Agree to take a break, refocus, or stop altogether if the conversation escalates, becomes destructive, or creates problems instead of solving them.

Check out these questions for couples’ communication and get closer as you speak!

Group 1. Communication. Talking About Talking.

1. What’s a topic we don’t usually talk about that you think would be interesting, important, or fun to discuss? Let’s go there!

2. When you were growing up, how did your parents talk to each other? How did they speak to you? Has that influenced the way you communicate with me?

3. If you could adjust one way I communicate with you, what would it be? Why?

4. What’s a topic or area that you’re kinda uncomfortable discussing with me? How do I contribute to your discomfort? How could I make you feel more comfortable?

5. What do you think are the main obstacles to improving our communication? Let’s make a plan!

Group 2. Understanding. Seeing How You See Each Other.

1. How do you see me differently than you think I see myself? What are my blind spots?

2. What do you think I haven’t taken enough time to learn or understand about you?

3. Where in my life do you think I’m settling for less than the best? Inspire me!

4. What’s an area where you think I don’t give myself enough credit or am too hard on myself?

5. What are three of my qualities or attributes that you’re grateful for? How do you see them in action?

Group 3. Relating. Bringing Out The Best In Each Other.

1. What relationship problems are we solving together? And what issues are we avoiding?

2. What do you think is the most crucial factor in making our relationship grow? Do you think we’re paying enough attention to it? How do you think we could lean into it more?

3. Sure, marriage takes effort, but are we having fun and enjoying each other? How would you suggest we “relax and enjoy the ride” more? What’s a fun thing we could do? Let’s put it on the calendar!

4. What’s a part of our life where you feel a little under-appreciated? What could I do today to make you feel more appreciated? 

5. Where in our relationship do you feel like we’re totally a team? Where do you feel alone? Help me help you to never ever feel alone.

Group 4. Wildcard Round! Oh, We’re Doing This!

1. OkayOkayOkay! So I’m not perfect. I’m sure there’s some little thing I do that annoys you. (Thank you for overlooking it all this time.) If you tell me what it is, I won’t get defensive. And I promise to work on it. 
2. What’s something I do for you that I obviously think is sweet and romantic, but it does next to nothing for you? What could I do that would be meaningful? 
3. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Explain in psychologically revealing detail. (Set a timer for 30 minutes. Take turns.)
4. I’m just curious… if I suddenly died (after you eventually worked through the paralyzing, soul-crushing grief), which of our single friends, co-workers, or acquaintances do you think you could have a high-quality, meaningful relationship with? Listen, it’s okay. Really. It’s just a hypothetical question. I mean, I’d want you to be happy. So, tell me: Who?*

*The only acceptable answer is: I would be in mourning for the rest of my empty life. Nobody could ever fill the hole in the meaningless existence I would have to sadly wander through, alone, until the end of time. I love you so much. ❤️

About these questions for couples’ communication: How do you know if all this talk is helping? 

• You understand your spouse better, and you feel better understood. 

• You’re taking action. You’re setting goals to improve your relationship and create deeper connections. Follow through!

• You feel a little uncomfortable with the process but still safe and secure.

• You discover things you have in commonalities, compromises, opportunities, and maybe even fun or forgiveness.

Other Resources

THE ART OF COMMUNICATION

8 STEPS TO BETTER COMMUNICATION TODAY

17 TACTICS TO DRASTICALLY IMPROVE COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS

8 SIMPLE WAYS YOU CAN HAVE MORE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS

5 TOOLS FOR HEALTHY COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

WHAT GREAT LISTENERS ACTUALLY DO

HOW TO VALIDATE YOUR SPOUSE’S FEELINGS

30 CORE DISAGREEMENTS COUPLES ENCOUNTER