Love Shouldn’t Hurt: Teen Dating Abuse
The former pro athlete sat in the therapist’s office, sobbing. He and his wife had taken away their daughter’s cellphone the day before. While watching television that night, a picture of the boy their daughter was “talking” to popped up. It wasn’t just any picture. It was a sexual pose with private parts exposed.
Shocked at what they saw, they had their daughter open up her phone. They were stunned to see many compromising pictures, not only of the boy, but of their daughter as well.
Devastated, the father asked the therapist, “How could this be? I will never be able to erase these images from my brain. What do we do now?”
Dr. Jill Murray, psychologist and author of But He Never Hit Me and Destructive Relationships, shared her experience working at a domestic violence shelter. She found that every woman she interviewed there began their abusive relationships when they were 13 or 14 years old, going from abuser to abuser.
While many parents might automatically suspect physical abuse, some don’t consider the possibility of teen dating abuse with incredibly controlling behavior using cellphones.
Consider this:
- 54 percent of teens say they communicate hourly with the person they are dating via cellphone between midnight and 5 a.m.
- 38 percent of teens receive texts 30 to 50 times an hour by their boy/girlfriend inquiring about what they are doing.
- 78 percent of parents are unaware their teen feels afraid in their dating relationship.
- 87 percent of parents are unaware their teen has been asked to have sex via their cellphone.
- 82 percent of parents are unaware of cellphone use through the night.
Current statistics indicate that:
- 1 in 5 young women will be a victim of sexual assault in college.
- 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 guys will be in a physically violent relationship.
- The vast majority (85 percent) of teen violence is not physical at all. Rather, it is emotional and verbal abuse.
- 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner.
- Gender is not a qualifier.
Teen Dating Abuse: “This is a huge epidemic,” asserts Murray.
“The reason I use the word ‘epidemic’ is because if we had a disease in this country that affected 85 percent of teens we would consider it an epidemic. This is a huge problem that we can’t overlook.
“When I speak to teens I tell them, ‘If you are ever in a relationship where you feel frightened, scared to tell the truth, scared of making them angry, scared not to keep your cellphone on all night, or you spend a lot of time crying about your relationship, you are in an abusive relationship,’” Murray says.
“It is important to remember that teens have limited life experience and perspective. Their perspective is shaped by music, video games and the Kardashians. When we tell them it is not normal to be afraid or to not answer your cell at all hours of the day and night, they are shocked.”
A typical 14-year-old has no idea that a relationship is abusive when one person makes the rules, constantly changes the rules but doesn’t follow them and causes the other person in the relationship to be afraid of breaking the rules. Murray believes adults everywhere have a responsibility to educate young people about what healthy relationships look like and how to protect themselves from abusive ones.
“Education is the key,” Murray says. “In addition to teaching teens, parents need to educate themselves about the signs and symptoms of abusive relationships.”
Your Teen Might Be in an Abusive Relationship IF:
- He/she becomes physically agitated, nervous or unreasonably upset about giving up their cellphone at night.
- He/she is always tired and seems like they don’t rest because of nighttime texting.
- The person he/she is dating seems to try and isolate them from friends, family and their typical activities.
- They cry frequently, seem nervous and have trouble making decisions.
- They are constantly “reporting in” to their boy/girlfriend.
What Can You Do?
“I tell teens, love is a behavior,” Murray says. “Teens are feeling, feeling, feeling to the 10th power. Everything is big and dramatic. You can tell yourself that your feelings are anything. Then you get them to just look at behavior. Things like: He cheats on you. Is that loving behavior? She lies to you. Is that loving behavior? You’re losing sleep. Is that loving behavior?
“It gives them the opportunity to open up boxes in their head. It’s a new way of looking at their relationship that focuses on behavior. This is really important. This is the only way we can talk with them. Essentially, we are backing them into a corner where their only out is logic. Then, I tell them there are three things you have control over: your thoughts, your actions and your reactions. And hoping things will be different is not a strategy.”
Although most parents probably don’t think this could happen to their child, ignorance can be very dangerous. Despite the tension it may cause, conversations on this topic are critical. Make sure they understand what healthy and unhealthy behavior looks like in a relationship, because teen dating abuse has the potential to impact them long into adulthood.
5 Ways You Can Prepare for a Great School Year
Every fall, children head back to school. While some will be going for the first time, others will be making the transition to a new grade or perhaps even a new school. Transitioning into a new school year can be exciting, but some children are fearful. Thoughts about new teachers, concerns over moving to a new school or anxiety about a new grade are all things your child may be thinking, but not talking about. No matter how old your child is, this is an important time. Parents can help their kids prepare for a great school year by establishing rituals and consistency around the school day.
As human beings, we like to know what to expect, but this is especially true for children. When structure and consistency are missing in their lives, they tend to feel out of control. That out-of-control feeling can lead to acting out. The acting out behavior could range from temper tantrums to refusing to do homework or being disrespectful.
When preparing for a new school year, it is the perfect time to establish a game plan to help your child launch into the school year on a positive note.
Here are a few suggestions to help your child have a positive experience:
- Talk with your children before school starts about the weeks ahead. For younger children, a trip to school is very important. What doesn’t seem scary to adults may be very scary to a young child. Take their feelings seriously. Decide how many extracurricular activities will be allowed.
- Discuss emergency plans. What happens if your child gets sick? Who will pick up your children in the event of a crisis? Also, talk with your child about how you want them to deal with strangers.
- Establish a morning and evening routine. These times can be hurried and stressful, creating anxiety for parents as well as children. Determine ahead of time what you expect. Will you eat breakfast together? What time do you expect your children to be out of bed and getting ready? Who packs lunches? What time should everybody be ready to leave the house? You might want to do a couple of practice runs prior to the start of school. Evening routines might include: setting out the clothes for the next day, putting all of the school gear in one place, and touching base as a family before going to bed. This can really help the morning be a more pleasant experience.
- Make sure your child gets adequate rest. Whether you have young children or teens, research shows that they need around 10 hours of sleep.
- Know your child. Be in touch with your child’s needs. When making decisions about homework, chores, television, etc., consider these questions: Is your child an early riser or a night owl? Do little things tend to stress them out? Consider different options for accomplishing tasks.
When children see you taking their concerns about school seriously, they are more likely to be more excited and less anxious about the experience. Investing your time and effort will give your children the best chance for success.
Other blogs:
4 Ways Having a Routine Contributes to a Happy, Healthy Family
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Imagine walking out of your bedroom on the second floor and seeing your 2-year-old climbing the outside of the staircase. That’s happened to Hal Runkel, marriage and family therapist and bestselling author of ScreamFree Parenting.
“My son looked up at me with a smile and said, ‘Hi, Daddy!’” says Runkel. “He was over five feet off the ground. My anxiety level was off the charts, but I knew if I gave in to that anxiety, if I yelled or lunged for him, it would increase his chances of falling.”
From biting or refusing to eat to asking about sex or learning to drive, our kids are constantly testing our anxiety. More often than not, Runkel says, parents fail those tests by “screaming.”
Anxiety says we need to control our kids.
“If you’re like me, the more you try to control your kids, the more out of control they become, and the more out of control I become,” Runkel says. “If you are yelling at your kids, you are saying, ‘Calm me down. I need you to change your behavior so I can change mine.’ When parents learn to manage their anxiety and teach children tools to manage their own behavior, more young people will be prepared to launch into the real world. We have to remember: the goal is not to protect our kids to calm our anxiety; our goal as parents is to prepare our kids to live a productive life without us.”
Who’s In Control?
Runkel believes that good parenting is about learning how to take back our emotional remote control. He says that when we scream, we’ve lost control of the situation and handed the emotional remote control to the least mature person in the household.
“When parents focus on becoming ‘ScreamFree,’ calming their own emotional reactivity, they begin to make parenting decisions out of their highest principles instead of reacting out of their deepest fears,” Runkel says. “There are specific ways parents can do this, such as:
- See children as individuals with their own lives, decisions and futures.
- Don’t preach or threaten. Let the consequences of a child’s choices do the screaming.
- Change your vocabulary. Avoid labeling children or pigeonholing how they see themselves. Labels can be very destructive.
- See yourself as being responsible to your children – not for them. When your child throws a temper tantrum in Walmart, you’re not responsible for it. You ARE responsible for how you handle it.
What do kids want?
According to Runkel, they want parents who can keep their cool, even when things get heated… parents who are less prone to knee-jerk reactions and more level-headed.
Runkel’s message is making a difference. For example, when Runkel and his family were eating out once, a young waitress recognized him from an appearance on The Today Show. Through tears, she said, “Thank you for giving me my parents back. They heard you on television, bought your book, and now we just don’t fight as much. They respect me, and I respect them.”
Ready for more on how to stop yelling at your kids? Go to screamfree.com!
Other blogs:
My Spouse and I Disagree About Parenting
How a Parent’s Emotions Can Affect Their Child
5 Ways Positive Parenting Creates a Lifelong Connection With Your Child
Brooke Womack was sure there was an intruder in their house when she heard noises coming from their family room at two in the morning. In reality, it was just their toddler, Marshall, who had escaped from his bedroom and came downstairs to watch Veggie Tales.
“After nearly having heart failure, we told him to go back to bed,” said Womack. “It is funny now, but it was not funny at the time.”
Walking through toddlerhood with your child can feel like a never-ending roller coaster ride. One moment you are laughing hysterically at something they say or do and the next moment you are ready to pull your hair out as you round the corner to find them playing in the potty. How is it possible for a tiny little being to absolutely get the best of us as parents?
Toddler Behavior is Normal.
Does it help at all to know that being in perpetual motion, throwing food on the floor, being curious and constantly saying the word “no” are all part of normal child development? The very behaviors that drive you crazy are what a child needs to do in order to advance to the next developmental stage. The stubbornness that keeps your child from minding you is the same quality that helps him or her get up after a fall and keep trying.
There is no question that parenting is tiring and often very frustrating, even more so when you lose your cool and find yourself throwing your own temper tantrum.
Coping Tips for Parents
Here are a few suggestions to help you regain your composure.
- Learn the developmental stages. It is easy to take the behavior personally when you think your child is intentionally pushing your buttons, but when you know the behavior is developmentally appropriate, it’s easier to deal with the behavior without getting emotional.
- Pay attention to the environment. Provide safe surroundings. Taking away things that require you to constantly say “no” encourages your child to explore and learn in safety. And, it sets the stage for desirable outcomes.
- Be the parent your child needs you to be. Your child is counting on you to keep them safe, which means constant supervision. They also need you to be the adult. Constantly screaming at a child rarely accomplishes anything. The way you talk to and discipline your child teaches them about relationships.
- The purpose of discipline is to teach. When giving your child direction, get on eye level with him. Use your child’s name and keep your instructions simple. Tell him what you want him to do versus what you don’t want him to do. For example, “Jimmy, please put your blocks away.” Avoid asking your toddler, “Why did you do that?” Instead, talk with them about what they did in the simplest of terms. You’ll defeat the purpose of your conversation if you are long-winded.
Surviving the toddler stage may seem daunting, but these years actually go by very quickly.
Before you know it, your little one won’t be so little anymore. Take the time now to learn and apply good parenting/relationship skills with your children. You’ll find those toddler tailspins really can turn into treasured memories.
Other blogs:
5 Ways Positive Parenting Creates a Lifelong Connection
7 Things Your Toddler Wishes You Knew
6 Fun Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Toddler
Looking for more? Check out this episode of JulieB TV on this topic.
A Parents’ Holiday Survival Guide
The song says it’s the most wonderful time of the year. And, in a lot of ways, it is wonderful. Something about the season seems to bring out the best in many folks. However, too much of a good thing can lead to serious meltdowns for children and parents alike.
As you prepare to enjoy a wonderful season with your family ahead of time, here is your “parents’ holiday survival guide.”
- When it comes to your children, keep your expectations realistic. During the holidays, everything they are used to in the way of bedtime, the food they eat, who they spend time with and more gets thrown to the wind. While it is tons of fun, children can only take so much before they move into overload – and we all know that never ends well. Everyone will be happier if you can keep some semblance of routine and structure.
- Talk with your children about your plans for each day. Just like adults, it’s helpful if kids know what to expect. Keep it simple. Share the highlights.
- Keep your cool. When your child has a meltdown, it can be a challenge for you not to have one, too. Yelling and getting angry will only make matters worse, so stop and take a deep breath. Then, if possible, take your child to a quiet place where they can regain control.
- If you can, try to spread out the celebrations instead of doing everything in a 48-hour period. While it’s hard to say no to the grandparents, putting boundaries in place can make the celebrations more enjoyable for everyone, even if you celebrate on a different day. A note to grandparents: Your adult children often find it difficult to tell you no without feeling guilty. Asking your grown children what works best for them could really help them as they plan to celebrate.
Survival guide for co-parenting during the holidays:
- Talk about the fact that transitions are difficult. Sometimes just saying, “I don’t have a choice and you don’t have a choice; now how are we going to make the best of this situation?” can make things better for your child.
- Make a plan. Discuss how to make the transition easier. Then use your time together to make it a special celebration.
- Be prepared. Help them understand the possibility of a last-minute change in plans. Ask them what they would like to do instead and acknowledge the pain they may feel.
- Stay in the parent role. While it might be tempting to be your child’s buddy, that is not what they need from you. It is very difficult to go back to being the parent once you have crossed that line. Before you make or change plans, think about how it will affect your child.
- Children will follow your lead. If you have a bad attitude about the holidays, your children will probably follow suit. Set a positive mood for a holiday to remember.
Planning for bumps in the road beforehand can reduce holiday stress in your family and increase the chances for a joyful holiday. Wherever you find yourself, choose now to make the best of the days ahead.
Other blogs:
How to Navigate the Holidays as a Divorced Parent
5 Tips to Help Your Marriage Survive the Holidays
Fun Ways for Families to Connect During the Holidays
Looking for more? Watch this episode of JulieB TV on this topic!
Give Kids Hope After Tragedy
When tragedy strikes, it seems to bring out the best and the worst in people. One tragedy after another has left people reeling in pain and raw with emotion.
While some experience personal loss and/or injury, traumatic events can impact everyone in some way. In most cases, adults have words and the mental ability to process what just happened, but it is a different story for children.
“Children watch their parents’ or caregivers’ response,” says psychologist Dr. Gary Oliver with the Center for Healthy Relationships. “Even if their parents didn’t say a word about the anxiety they felt, their children could feel it. Anxiety and fear are contagious. Children are very good at reading facial expressions and noticing a change in the tone of voice used by their parents.”
Situations like this are an opportunity for parents to teach their children how to handle tragedy.
What do you do in the midst of crisis? How do you practice good self-care? How do you move forward even when it’s painful?
“In many instances adults can make a difficult situation worse by our own lack of self-awareness,” Oliver says. “Thinking about your own fears is important. Listening to your children and what they are thinking can be very helpful. Tragedies like the bus accident, a death in the family or the loss of a home can become a great opportunity to build trust and communication, and to increase a child’s sense of security, continuity and stability.”
Oliver has these suggestions for walking through tragedy with your children:
- Listen to your kids. Let them talk. Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers. Extroverted children will usually tell you what they are thinking. Introverted children probably won’t, so it is important for you to understand the nuances of your child’s personality. Help them to share their thoughts by sharing your own thoughts and feelings appropriately. Comfort them and remind them that they are safe, secure and loved.
- Be honest. For example, it is okay to say something like, “I’m not sure where we are going to live for a while.” Or, “Our lifestyle is going to change a bit.” Being honest can be very healing and therapeutic.
- Seek to respond with patience instead of react. Children may ask lots of questions and become clingy. Model the steps that will move them toward hope and recovery. Reacting creates panic, often results in poor decision-making and tends to make things worse over time. Responding is more of a process where you acknowledge that what is happening is awful. In other words, you feel the loss, but have hope for tomorrow.
- Focus on what you can do. In the midst of the greatest tragedy, we always have choices. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the grieving and rebuilding process, but remember that the process is unique for everyone. Don’t be afraid to seek help for you and/or your children when you feel it is necessary.
In demonstrating these steps for your children, you will give them skills for the future. Instead of feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed in the midst of tragedy, chaos or uncertainty, your example can guide them to keep perspective and continue to put one foot in front of the other with hope for the future.
How to Help Kids Handle Rejection
When Sara left home on the first day of sixth grade, she was super-excited about starting middle school. She was anything but excited when she got in the car at the end of the day.
Sara told her mom that her friends since kindergarten had decided to end their friendship. The leader of the group had told them, “We don’t like her anymore,” a statement that launched Sara and her family into a year of chaos.
Every impulse in Sara’s mom wanted to hunt down those girls, but she knew better than to do that. In conversations with other moms, she asked, “Why all the meanness?” Many of the women had not only experienced this with their children, they had gone through it themselves. In fact, they could still recall the interactions in painstaking detail.
“Peer pressure and rejection hurt so much because it hits a youngster’s self-esteem, which is still wobbly at best during the preteen and early teen years,” says psychologist Dr. Susan Hickman from the Mental Fitness Institute in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
“To make it worse, children at this age have not yet developed good filters to distinguish that this type of experience may be more about the other person than about them. They immediately translate the bad behavior of others into seeing themselves as unworthy. In reality, these two are not connected at all.”
Whether young or old, everyone has the need to belong. So the feeling of rejection hits a person right in the gut.
“If children can’t get a good sense of belonging from a peer group at school, parents have to help them work a little harder to develop a sense of belonging elsewhere, such as through team sports, extracurricular hobbies, neighborhood peers or community groups,” Hickman says. “Once they establish a group with which they can identify, it’s much easier to teach them how to dismiss their peers’ bad behavior and grasp the fact that it is really not about them.”
Hickman believes teaching children mental fitness skills is the key to navigating these tough situations and evaluating their own feelings. Learning how to challenge and confront false ideas can keep them steady for the rest of their lives.
Fortunately, you can help your child with these steps:
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Develop healthy self-esteem that is not affected by hurtful people’s negative opinions. Help them solidify an appropriate sense of self-approval – regardless of others’ bad behavior.
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Learn healthy coping skills in the midst of negative circumstances. Self-talk is a key component to this. It’s important for them to cope positively with emotional upheaval instead of harming themselves or flocking to unsavory peers. Walk them through identifying healthy ways they can cope.
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Keep perspective. Teach them to assess how much the situation has to do with themselves versus the bully. Get them to ask: Why might this person act this way? This teaches them to identify with the other person and separate themselves from the event. It also helps them look at their own behavior and make necessary changes.
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Find alternative strategies and resources for fitting in. Trying a new hobby, joining a sports team or even finding another friend group may help. A busy mind is far less likely to think negative thoughts.
So, how exactly do you teach them these crucial skills?
“Think of it as you would any other skill, such as tying your shoes,” Hickman says. “Know what you want to teach them and show them the steps to reach their goal. Gently correct any missteps and model the next step for them. Then, have them practice the behavior until it comes naturally.”
This will take some time and probably patience. But in the end, you will have taught them how to handle life situations and their own emotions with dignity.
How to Help Children Handle Their Emotions
How do you feel when your child has a meltdown? You probably do everything you can think of to help them, but absolutely nothing works. It could be in the store checkout line, at bedtime, the second you walk in your friend’s house or at a birthday party. You may find yourself at wits’ end and literally on the verge of having your own meltdown.
There probably isn’t a parent on the planet who can’t relate to this experience. Your blood pressure goes up and you can feel everyone watching you. So, you reach into the recesses of all you know about good parenting in an attempt to use something you’ve learned, but absolutely nothing will console your child.
What now?
Before you judge yourself too harshly, know that you are not alone. There’s nothing worse than feeling out of control. Children have meltdowns. But guess what? Sometimes adults do, too.
Christie Burnett, editor of Childhood 101, encourages parents to consider developing a “Calm Down Plan” to help children handle their emotions. These steps can help them when they are upset or feel out of control.
5 Steps to Managing Big Emotions
- Remember that it’s never OK to hurt others. Set clear guidelines about what is acceptable and what isn’t. For example, physically hurting others or destroying things is not acceptable, nor is it OK to say hurtful things.
- Take three deep breaths or count slowly to 10. Breathing deeply or slowly counting to 10 gives your child time to recognize their body’s warning signs, such as a tense body, clenched teeth or a racing heart. Talk with your child about how their body feels when they are angry or frustrated. Then introduce the idea of taking a few breaths to compose themselves and choose a better course of action than striking out at another person.
- Use words to express feelings and hopes. Acknowledging their feelings gives them legitimacy. Saying what they wish would take place helps to open a problem-solving conversation. Sometimes what they wish would happen is not acceptable, but this is part of the learning process. It’s also a great opportunity to help them think of other options.
- Ask for help to solve the problem. Talking through a problem helps to process the situation, even for adults. Let your child know it is OK to ask for help solving a problem, and keep channels of communication open so they feel they can always come to you for help. One day, they’ll be working on much bigger problems than a spat with a sibling or frustration with a friend.
- Take the time needed to calm down. Teach your child that sometimes the proposed solution may not seem to be enough. They may still feel angry or upset after working through each of the steps. In these situations, it’s often better to walk away or find another safe way to defuse those feelings.
Whether you’re younger or older, it isn’t easy when you feel out of control. These steps can provide a sense of security and help you develop a plan of attack for those moments when big emotions try to take over.
