Thanksgiving is a time for gratitude, family, and pumpkin pie—but let’s not forget it’s also a time when differences can simmer hotter than the gravy on the stove. With loved ones gathering around the table, each bringing their unique perspectives, opinions, and life experiences, it’s no wonder that tensions can occasionally bubble up. However, the holiday doesn’t have to be a battleground of opinions. In fact, managing differences well can deepen connections and strengthen family bonds.
Dr. Jeanne Safer, a psychotherapist and author, suggests that family conflicts often arise because we come to the table with deeply ingrained roles and expectations. “Families are where we are the most vulnerable and where our unresolved issues often play out,” she explains. Whether it’s the sibling who feels overshadowed, the parent-child dynamic that resurfaces, or the clashing political views, unresolved feelings can create friction.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, known for his research on relationships, points out that it’s not conflict itself that’s harmful, but how we handle it. Families that manage differences with respect and empathy often emerge closer, while those that let arguments spiral into personal attacks create lasting rifts.
Consider following these guidelines if you’d like your Thanksgiving feast to be rich in connection rather than contention:
Set clear intentions for yourself for the day.
Before you gather, set a personal intention to approach differences with curiosity rather than judgment. Dr. Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist, advises, “You don’t have to agree with someone to listen to them. The goal is understanding, not winning.”
Avoid hot-button topics, or approach them mindfully.
Some families thrive on debate, while others crumble under the pressure of political or personal disagreements. If your family falls into the latter category, it’s okay to gently steer the conversation away from topics that historically lead to arguments. Try, “Let’s save that for another time. How’s the garden this year?”
Practice the power of pause.
If you feel your blood pressure rising during a heated exchange, take a breath. Research from the University of California, Berkeley, shows that even a brief pause can reduce emotional intensity and improve communication. A simple “Let me think about that for a second” can diffuse tension and keep the conversation constructive.
Lean into gratitude.
Thanksgiving is literally about giving thanks. A study from the University of Southern California found that gratitude fosters greater empathy and reduces the likelihood of conflict. Make gratitude a family tradition—whether it’s sharing what you’re thankful for before the meal or writing down your blessings and reading them aloud.
Teach (and model) emotional regulation.
If you have young children, like my five-year-old son or one-year-old daughter, you know holidays are teachable moments. Kids often model what they see. If you handle disagreements calmly, you’re teaching them invaluable skills for managing their future relationships. Adults are never too old to learn and practice new skills. The more we use emotional regulation techniques, the more commonplace they will become in our day-to-day lives.
Family differences don’t have to be divisive. They can be a source of growth.
Dr. Daniel Siegel, a neuroscientist and family therapist, explains that healthy conflict, when navigated respectfully, strengthens neural pathways that build resilience. In other words, working through differences makes us emotionally stronger and better equipped to handle life’s challenges.
This Thanksgiving, embrace the quirks and complexities that make your family uniquely yours. Because at the end of the day, it’s not the disagreements that matter—it’s how we show up for each other, year after year, despite them.
And if all else fails, remember: pie can silence almost any argument.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!
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