What To Do When You Catch Your Husband Watching Porn
You’ve just found out your husband is watching porn. What do you feel? Disgust. Shock. Despair. Betrayal on par with infidelity. World-shattering confusion. Who is this man I’m married to? Heartbreak. Grief. Loneliness. Creeping insecurity about your attractiveness and your sex appeal. Why am I not enough? Is he thinking about pornographic images while we have sex? How is he looking at women? What is he looking at when we’re not together? Trust just went out the window.
These are just some of the things you might be struggling with right now. And you can’t be blamed for any of them.
In 2019 alone, people spent nearly 6 billion hours on Pornhub1, but all that matters to you is the porn your husband has been watching. What’s next?
WHAT DO YOU DO NOW THAT YOU HAVE DEFINITELY CAUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WATCHING PORN?
Educate yourself.
You don’t have to click very far to find people and/or therapists who believe that using porn is a safe way to burn off sexual energy or enhance sex. While it may not phase others, what matters is how YOU feel about it, what you and your husband may have agreed to regarding pornography, and what solid research says.
Guilt vs. Shame
Guilt says, “This behavior is wrong.” It’s healthy, changes us, and helps us become who we want to be. Shame says, “There’s something wrong with me.” Shame makes us feel broken and unworthy of love. There’s a big difference.2 Separate your husband’s behavior from your husband as a person.
So, is compulsive pornography use only wrong because of the shame that surrounds it?
Societal or religious taboos don’t explain the shame game when it comes to compulsive pornography use. Study after study3 shows that shame may make porn use worse for the porn consumer, but it doesn’t explain it. Of course, your goal isn’t to make your husband feel shame. However, guilt is a healthy response to objectifying and dehumanizing people.
Is pornography a legit addiction?
The Addiction Center recognizes that this is a controversial topic but cites numerous studies to justify identifying porn as an addiction.
Arguing about whether pornography is addictive is a little bit like two bald men fighting over a comb. What can’t be disputed is that many wives feel humiliation, insecurity, low self-esteem and report lower relationship quality when their husband is watching porn.
Fake sex affects real sex. Period. Full stop.
A PsychCentral article reports: “…regular consumption of pornography more or less wears out your reward system.” And clinicians report seeing many more young adults who experience sexual dysfunction, performance issues, and satisfaction with a real person, but not with porn.
Identify what you’re feeling.
Mentally recognize and name your emotions concerning your husband watching porn. For example, you may feel anger, rejection, betrayal, disgust, confusion, inadequacy, hurt, insecurity, etc. According to Dan Siegel, UCLA Professor of Psychiatry and executive director of Mindsight Institute, naming your emotions allows your brain to soothe and calm you down.5
Putting a name to what you’re feeling can help you communicate the pain his porn use is causing you.
Know what’s helpful to know.
Don’t spend lots of time searching for everything he’s been looking at. Keep it simple.
Knowing every site he visited and how many genres he watched will only increase your negative feelings. Your goal is to know enough to determine his willingness to be truthful.
Remember, he’s got the issue, not you. Even if there are other marital issues going on, he’s the one looking at pornography.
I know — easier said than done. Porn isn’t really about your guy wanting you to be someone different. When people start looking at porn, research shows they subconsciously begin to bond with the images they see onscreen.6,7 This causes the brain to crave more of what they are seeing. Eventually, it takes more intense visual stimulation to get the same satisfaction. That’s why porn can be as addictive (if not more addictive) as heroin and gambling.
What’s the goal of talking?
What do you want the goal of the conversation to be? This is bigger than getting him to stop looking at pornography. It’s about him, you, and your marriage. You want to understand what he’s willing to do to overcome this issue and how you can help.
Note: Researching information on sites like Fight the New Drug can help you become informed. It may also be comforting to know you are not alone.
READY FOR THE TALK:
Ask him about it.
Communication is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% the actual spoken words.8 So, for example, your demeanor and tone can say, “I’m attacking you because I can’t believe how disgusting you are,” or “I’m really hurt by this, but I want us to get through it.”
He might lie.
I wish there was a foolproof way to eliminate any possibility of him lying. People respond differently. He may even deny, minimize, or accuse you of being something you’re not.
Jay Stringer, researcher and licensed therapist, warns about the potential of hiding. Hiding happens when the user redirects the conversation when confronted or chooses to be vague about what they’re doing. He may go into self-protection mode. He may be super embarrassed he has been found out. Be mentally prepared. You can’t make a person tell the truth. But, you can create an environment for honesty and hope the other person will be truthful.
If he lies or hides, talk about your desire to work through this as a team. Remind him that you’re not going to stop loving him simply because he got caught up in pornography. Porn is more likely to destroy your marriage if you don’t address it together.
If he’s willing to talk about it, ask questions.
Get him talking. This may be the first time he has actually verbalized his thoughts about it. Ask him: How long? Have you told anyone else? Have you tried to stop? What started it? These are questions that may get him thinking and talking. You don’t need all the details about everything he’s seen. You need an acknowledgment that he’s been looking at porn and that he wants to stop.
Communicate your thoughts and emotions.
He needs to hear your heart and understand your feelings. With many husbands, sincerely expressing your thoughts and feelings is more effective than yelling and screaming. Clearly and directly, share any insecurity, betrayal, or violation you’re feeling. Don’t share through the voice of anger; instead, speak through the voice of the actual emotion itself. This gives a clearer picture of the damage this is causing you and your marriage.
Listen to understand without justifying.
Studies show that anywhere from 50-90% of husbands watch porn. It’s safe to say many of us don’t really want to. And many have tried to stop unsuccessfully. Most people don’t understand what they’re up against when they look at porn for the first time. Having said that, he’s not a victim. He’s a fighter, which leads us to…
Discuss and set boundaries and limits.
He has to be willing to discuss and even initiate the setting of boundaries. He will not overcome a compulsion to look at pornography because you want him to. It has to be because he wants to. You can be strong alongside him and hold him accountable. This may include: accountability partners, learning about the dangers of pornography, sharing passwords, and regular check-ins.
★ IF YOU TRY TO DO THE WORK FOR HIM, IT WON’T WORK.
Express love.
Time and time again, I hear men say, “My wife kept saying, I love you. We’re a team. We’ll get through this.” They express how it meant the world to hear this. You’re encouraging your man to be a fighter and you’re telling him that you love a fighter, you’ll stick with a fighter, you’ll help a fighter to train, you’ll help a fighter beat the enemy. You’re also saying that you recognize that a fighter may get punched in the face. He may slip again. Every fighter gets hit. But one hit, one slip, doesn’t mean you’ve lost. You’ve lost when you stop fighting.
Patience.
Pornography addictions are different because the brain isn’t trying to rid itself of a chemical dependency. It may take time for your husband to stop looking at porn even if he’s trying. It takes time to heal and rebuild trust. Overcoming pornography requires commitment from both of you. During the process, set some goals like “3 days of no porn” or “2 consecutive weeks of talking to an accountability partner.” Celebrate the goals when you reach them.
WHAT IF YOUR HUSBAND DOESN’T WANT TO STOP WATCHING PORN?
Some husbands don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching pornography. Drs. John and Julie Gottman outline how porn use can lead to reduced relationship satisfaction. Share how it makes you feel that he’s watching other people do the intimate things the two of you do to emotionally and physically connect. Talk to a trusted couple. Consider seeking professional help.
As a couple, you must talk and decide the role you’ll allow pornography to play in your marriage. Studies show its negative effects within committed relationships. If you can both agree that you won’t give pornography a place in your marriage, then you can work together to keep it out.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Image from Unsplash.com
SOURCES
1Pornhub’s annual report: Can you guess the most popular porn categories in 2019? (2019). https://fightthenewdrug.org/2019-pornhub-annual-report/
2Gilliland, R., et al. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2011.551182
3Reid, Stein, et al. (2011). Understanding the roles of shame and neuroticism in a patient sample of hypersexual men. https://doi.org/10.1097/NMD.0b013e3182125b96
4Voon, Mole, et al. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0102419
5Siegel. (2010). Mindsight : the new science of personal transformation. Bantam Books.
6Rizzolatti, G. et al. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.neuro.27.070203.144230
7Hilton, D. (2013). Pornography addiction – a supranormal stimulus considered in the context of neuroplasticity. https://doi.org/10.3402/snp.v3i0.20767
8Evans, V. (2020). How does communication work? Part 2: The function of verbal vs. non-verbal cues in face-to-face interaction. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/language-in-the-mind/202001/how-does-communication-work-0
This was a good article.
I enjoyed learning about porn addiction.
I really don’t understand why my husband resorted to porno instead of being with me. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces and I don’t know how to get over ir
I feel the same way so completely broken
I feel the same way. Except my husband took it farther. Dating sites, hookup sites, cam sessions and spent all of our money. One scam at a time depleted all of our future and our love.
My husband is seeking help for porn addiction however im still devastated from the effects of the past. To me, he destroyed our marriage and I am so scared I might not recover this time around
I feel the same way. This article has some good parts but there’s a disconnect in it. Encourage him to quit and have him tell you if he slips up?! My husband has lied to me before. I’m going to get counseling to figure out how I can have serenity to accept his behavior and/or courage to change the dynamics. I can’t change him. I can only work on me.
I’m in the same place as you,Miriam I don’t believe I can get through this.. I’m completely repulsed by him.😢
My husband has been “on again, off again, with porn for 25 years now. I feel beaten down after trying to help him, to the point that I have given up. I have no sexual interest in him anymore…it’s gone, never to return again. I feel betrayed to the core. I refuse to have sex with him now. I told him he can do whatever he wants now…the porn won. He can stay with me (in a non sexual relationship), or he can leave. I don’t care anymore, I have freed myself from porn…I am done with it!! How our relationship ends up remains to be seen….
I feel exactly the same totally disgusted and hurt that he thinks this is ok, still waiting for an apology yet again.
Im crying now. This is the fifth time i had caught my husband watching porn.he keeps apologizing and told me not to do it again but he keeps doing it. I tried to help him. But now I started to lost interest in him.
I need advice from someone. Pese help.
Same here!! 💔💔💔Just caught my husband watching gay porn! I have been married for 29 years. We have two kids in their 20s. He’s 86 year old and I am 54! I am so hurt, betray!! I don’t know what to do?
Same here naomi. This is 3rd time ive caught him and its hit me hardest this time. I cant be in same room as him
For many years my husband was watching porn and I had no idea until I was pregnant with our second child and he was not affectionate with me anymore so I checked his phone and he was watching porn and had an onlyfans account. Honestly I don’t know how I’m still with him. I still feel betrayed and heartbroken even though he’s more affectionate and loving towards me now.. he still watches porn once in a while so I know it’s not going to stop. Idk what to do anymore! 🙁
So glad you are working on the “elephant in the room.” So many struggle with the secret problem of porn. Just to get on my email, scantly clad women are popping up. What are some specific ways to block it on the computer? Thank you.
how long you can wait for any hugging or sex? ?days weeks months years of NOTHING
this is not hear breaking? Working all aspects of life and not getting anything related to sex, even worst. Every touch is considered “you weirdo”.
Anyway my home broke, and I become a cam boy. I will never find anthing I was looking in real life. I have everyting like n dscount shop. Its illusion but lil pure and shallow love. But working and accessible. You have eerything you want but in real you have nothing. Still better than waiting 10 years and having LITERALLLY NOTHING except broken heart.
I’d like to know myself how to block porn on a phone
I don’t know what to do. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. He looks at blonde, thin, young girls. I’m not young anymore and I’m getting older. I’m scared
You should not have to feel afraid about something as natural as growing older. Be kind to yourself. I hope it works out for you.
I struggle with the same thing kathie. My self esteem is shot
I have the same feelings. And mine looks at the same girls. I’m afraid because now I have a phobia that happens everyday. Anytime we’re out I think he is looking at every pretty woman in site. I feel like we can’t go to the beach together anymore. I feel like I’m going crazy and need psychological help.
I feel disgusted, failure, not loved and broken, We only been married going on 2yrs in May and he rather watch this behind my back be on Facebook and stare at other skinny female’s and hardly any clothes and not be Affectionate with me!
Don’t know what to do anymore!
Makes me sick!💔😭
Totally agreee I feel betrayed and lost, feeling I’m not good enough kills me inside. They don’t realize the damage there doing to their wives and relationships. I’m to the point where I stay fully clothed because I feel my body not good enough and as long as your looking at that garbage you don’t deserve to look at my body.
I was happy but then i did something stupid and he used it as a gateway to feed his porn addiction and fall into sex chats with females on dating apps. Once i found out it was blamed on me for my actions in our marriage 5 years ago and yet he continued to masturbate and bring home tools to make it easier. I told him i have a problem with the porn and why and all he does is say I can still have sex with you don’t worry. It’s not about the sex it demeans me that he prefers to watch porn. He doesnt just squeeze one out but goes as far as to compare me to his porn actresses and fantasize about me being some kind of porn freak for him like these girls. He has placed unreal expectations on me as a female and his wife. I know im not those girls and to me its cheap when he compares me to them. He spends a lot of time talking to other girls at work and the way he talks to him is different than how he talks to me. At this rate I’ve realized my husband’s attention is not the same for me as it is for every other female and porn. I am severely bothered by that, disgusted and angry at myself for everything although i know i shouldn’t be but I’m just a mess. I feel very gaslit that I’m being the jerk and over dramatizing but at same time i know this is how i feel. >,>
Hi I think I’m kind of in the same boat as you. I messed up before and cheated on my husband 20 yrs ago when we were talking about possibly getting a divorce and throughout those years he has watched porn. I just recently caught him again. I kind of feel like I let him continue because I cheated but I think he used to watch it before that. So I feel like it’s my fault he is watching it but then when do I say enough is enough?