This year was the first Thanksgiving my family celebrated without my grandmother.
Shortly before Christmas of last year, she fell and broke her hip. As the story goes with many people in their late eighties who suffer a fall, she struggled to recover and ultimately passed away from her injuries four months later.
However, being together over the Thanksgiving holiday was a much-needed balm for the soul. We laughed, we ate, we played games, danced and sang out of tune. Unprompted, my dad and his two brothers shared the same statement, “I am so grateful for my mom and dad. They gave us everything we needed and they loved each other so much. We were truly blessed.”
I spent a lot of time with my paternal grandparents when I was growing up. I can still hear them playfully bickering, loudly calling for each other using their pet names and laughing at inside jokes. I enjoyed spending time with them, and I can attest, they really did love each other. And they really did love their family.
My grandfather was tragically killed in a car accident two decades ago, a life-altering event we still grieve. And, of course, it was especially difficult for my grandmother. Until the day she passed, she told me, “Lauren, I wish I had sat with him on the front porch after dinner all those times he asked me to instead of worrying about the dishes or sweeping the floor. I wish I had cherished him more.”
My grandparents were married for 48 years when my grandfather was killed. My mom and dad have been married for nearly forty-five years. My aunts and uncles have all been married forty-plus years. And, strangely enough, they all still like each other. They hold hands. They kiss. They laugh, play, and even pat each other on the bottom every time they leave a room– a true sign of affection in my family.
Now, let me be clear, they’re not perfect, and we’ve had many family conversations and issues we’ve had to work through together concerning marriages and relationship dynamics. But at the end of the day, they all have one important thing in common: they choose each other.
Over the holiday, several members of my family took a long walk together. I decided to get the inside scoop. “Most of the couples I see who have been married a long time don’t seem to like each other very much,” I started. “How do you all still care for each other so well?”
My dad’s response was simple, yet profound. “We give each other space when we need it, we pursue each other when we need it, and we agreed a long time ago that we would always communicate and work through any problem together. We’re for each other,” he said.
Marriage is hard. That’s not exactly a groundbreaking statement, but what often gets overlooked in the grind of raising kids, juggling jobs, and managing a household is this: Resentment doesn’t grow overnight.
It’s like weeds in a garden—neglect the relationship long enough, and those little annoyances and unmet needs can choke out the love you so carefully planted.
What does it look like to use my dad’s antidote of being for each other? It’s not about grand gestures or lavish trips (though I’m not saying no to a spontaneous weekend getaway). Being for your spouse is a mindset—a commitment to having their back, cheering them on, and meeting their needs with intention.
It means you’ll show up for the little things and tune into their daily needs. Maybe it’s brewing their coffee before they wake up, folding that pile of laundry they haven’t gotten to, or simply asking, “What can I take off your plate today?”
Being for your spouse also means you celebrate them frequently.
In the busyness of life, it’s easy to focus on what your spouse isn’t doing. (I’m currently staring at the dishes that have been on my husband’s to-do list for two days.) But what about what they are doing? Did they handle a tough meeting at work? Crush their first 5K? Make it through a day of toddler tantrums with their sanity intact? Celebrate it!
When you’ve been married long enough, you’re bound to collect a few negative interactions and moments together. Maybe your spouse forgot your anniversary or snapped at you during a stressful moment. When resentment threatens to creep in, choose to be for each other by practicing forgiveness. And remember, it isn’t about condoning bad behavior—it’s about choosing peace over bitterness.
“Your dad isn’t perfect,” my Mom told me. “And sometimes he drives me insane. But, he’s very kind to me. He always considers me, and because of that, I’ve never doubted his love for me.”
Being for your spouse doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs or becoming a doormat.
It’s about building a relationship where both of you feel seen, supported, and celebrated. In our house, that looks like tag-teaming bedtime routines, surprising each other with little treats, and occasionally laughing about how far we’ve come since arguing over how to pack boxes “the right way” when we moved into our first apartment.
Next time you feel the urge to turn against your spouse and add to the laundry list of things they are or are not doing, choose to be for them instead. And if your spouse doesn’t quite get what it looks like to be for you, remember it only takes one person to lead a dance. Your example can turn the tide, maybe even for generations.
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