The Real You: Authenticity, Genuineness, and the “Why” Behind How We Show Up

These days, “be authentic” gets tossed around like seasoning. A pinch here, a dash there, suddenly everyone’s an expert. But if authenticity is just “saying whatever I want whenever I want,” then we’ve reinvented rudeness with better branding.

Real authenticity is deeper than unfiltered opinions. Psychologists who study it describe authenticity as a meaningful, complicated human experience with real benefits and real drawbacks. At its core, it’s about alignment: what’s going on inside you matches what you understand about yourself and how you behave. One well-known research model breaks authenticity into pieces like awareness (knowing what you feel), unbiased processing (being honest with yourself), behavior (acting in line with your values), and a relational orientation (valuing openness and truth in close relationships). That last part matters, because authenticity isn’t just a personal journey, it shows up most clearly in how we treat other people.

This is where I like to separate two words we use interchangeably: authenticity and genuineness. Authenticity is that inside-to-outside alignment. Genuineness is the relational version, what other people experience when they’re with you. It’s the sense of, “This person isn’t putting on a show,” and, “I don’t have to guess which version of them is showing up today.” And let’s be honest: most of us aren’t craving a friend, spouse, coworker, or neighbor who is constantly “real.” We’re craving someone who is safe.

At First Things First, this isn’t just a nice idea we admire from afar, being genuine is one of our core values. It’s one of the ways we evaluate our performance, both internally with each other and externally in the community: Are our words and actions aligned? Are we showing up with integrity, follow-through, and real care, not just good optics?

One reason authenticity sometimes gets muddled is because authenticity and honesty aren’t identical twins. They’re more like cousins who can get into arguments at family gatherings. Research suggests authenticity (“true to yourself”) and honesty (“truthful”) are related but not the same, and depending on the situation, blunt “honesty” can actually reduce authenticity, or “dishonesty” can increase it, depending on what value you’re prioritizing (belonging, protection, loyalty, and so on). Translation: you can be “honest” in a way that’s really about ego (“I want to feel powerful”), or “authentic” in a way that’s really about fear (“I don’t want to be rejected”). That’s why the most important question isn’t only, “Am I being real?” It’s also, “Why am I doing this?”

If you want a simple gut-check, try this: am I trying to connect, or am I trying to control? If you’re trying to connect, honesty sounds like, “I want to name what’s true because I care about us,” or “I want to show up as myself so you can know me.” If  you’re trying to control, honesty usually hides behind phrases like, “I’m just being real,” “That’s just how I am,” or “If you can’t handle me…” Same vibe as slamming a door and calling it “communication.”

When authenticity is paired with connection, though, it’s powerful. In romantic relationship research, perceiving a partner as authentic is linked with greater trust and better relationship outcomes. That tracks with real life: trust grows when someone’s words and actions line up over time. When I don’t have to decode you, manage you, or brace for the plot twist, my nervous system can unclench. (Honestly, unclenching is one of the great underrated gifts of being human.)

Researchers have even developed measures of “relationship authenticity” that involve things like being willing to take appropriate intimate risks, or to be known, and rejecting deception, and those qualities predict relationship satisfaction even when you control for other relationship factors. So authenticity isn’t just self-expression. It’s relational integrity. It’s being the same kind of person in the living room, in the group chat, and in the parking lot after church.

That integrity matters in community-building too, friend circles, neighborhoods, workplaces, volunteer teams. But here’s what surprises people: authenticity in community often isn’t about oversharing. It’s about being steady. Following through. Not flattering someone to their face and shredding them later. Being able to disagree without demeaning. Research reviews note authenticity can support interpersonal functioning, but it can also create conflict when “being real” turns into off-putting self-presentation or stubbornness. In other words: truth is important, but so are tact and timing. You can be authentic and still have manners. That’s not hypocrisy, that’s maturity.

One more fascinating piece from the research: inauthenticity doesn’t just make people feel awkward; it can make them feel morally “off,” even “impure,” and they may try to compensate by doing good for others. That’s a wild finding, but it rings true. When we feel like we’re performing or pretending, something in us wants to cleanse it, either by confessing, fixing, apologizing, or trying to do better. Many of us crave authenticity not only because it feels good, but because it feels right.

So what does this look like on a Tuesday? It can be smaller than you think. It’s telling the “small truth” instead of defaulting to people-pleasing: “I can’t commit to that,” “I’m overwhelmed today,” “I need a minute.” It’s pairing hard honesty with clear care: “I’m saying this because I value us.” It’s choosing consistency, doing what you said you’d do, owning what you did, repairing quickly when you miss it: “I was sharp earlier. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.” Authentic people still mess up. The difference is they don’t defend the mess; they clean it up.

If authenticity is alignment, maybe the goal isn’t to be raw. Maybe it’s to be real in a way that builds trust. You can be honest without being harsh. You can be yourself without making everyone else pay the emotional tax. You can self-reflect on your intentions and choose connection over control.

Or, in the most practical definition I know: be real, be kind, be consistent. That kind of authenticity doesn’t just express the self, it strengthens relationships and communities, one honest, intentional moment at a time.

Lauren Hall is the President and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at [email protected].