Tag Archive for: inlaws

Potential Boundary Issues

Consider talking about some things with your in-laws.

Before you take that walk down the aisle, sit down with each set of in-laws and talk about potential boundary issues in your relationship.

For example, when a couple considered purchasing a house close to his mother, the mother-in-law said, “I am OK with you living close to me, but you will call before you come to visit and I will do the same.” That was one smart mother-in-law!

Things To Consider

  • If your in-laws have a key to your home, how will they use that? Are you OK with them dropping in whenever or is the key for emergencies only? AND, how do you define an emergency?

  • Is there an unspoken expectation that you would come over for dinner once a week?

  • How do you feel about your spouse talking with his/her parents about issues within your marriage?

  • Do they expect to talk with you every day?

  • How will you handle unsolicited advice?

  • What are your in-laws’ expectations surrounding holidays?

Looking for more? Go here, and check out this episode of JulieB TV!

Dealing with Difficult In-Laws

These strategies may help you out.

If you have difficult in-laws who seem to cross the line a lot, here are some constructive strategies for dealing with them.

Don’t assume they’re intentionally trying to be difficult. 

In many instances, people think they are being helpful. They don’t realize that dropping by unannounced or giving unsolicited marital or parenting advice isn’t appreciated. Get with your spouse and brainstorm things that your in-laws could do that would be helpful. Then sit down with your in-laws and talk about what you would appreciate them doing. Also, discuss things that you’d like them to stop.

What if you believe it’s truly unhealthy for your family to be around your in-laws? 

Your first responsibility is to your spouse and family. If being around your in-laws creates safety issues or requires you to put your family in an unhealthy environment, you’ll want to set limits. When you know you’ll be with your in-laws, decide as a team how much time you will spend there. Perhaps a code word or signal that the tension is mounting and it is time to wrap up the visit would be helpful.

Be careful about anticipating how things will be. 

In many instances, anticipating being around difficult in-laws can increase tension and actually make dealing with the situation worse.

Stand your ground.

Many couples experience marital distress because one spouse doesn’t want to hurt his/her parents’ feelings and doesn’t see how them “investing” in the marriage is harmful. If your spouse is uncomfortable with how the in-laws relate to you and your family, it is important to realize that the two of you are a team—not the two of you plus the in-laws.

Focus on those things over which you have control. 

You may try to do an extreme makeover on your in-laws’ behavior, but in the end you’ll probably feel frustrated and discouraged. It might be better to focus on your own behavior and the things you do have control over, like:

  • How much time you spend with them
  • Topics that are off-limits for discussion
  • How you allow their behavior to impact you

Want to read more about in-laws? Here you go!

HELP! MY IN-LAWS ARE RUINING MY MARRIAGE!

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE YOUR IN-LAWS

TIPS FOR STRENGTHENING IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU AREN’T CRAZY ABOUT YOUR FUTURE IN-LAWS

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Whether it’s your first holiday as a married couple or not, it’s helpful to have a plan for how you’re going to handle the holidays together. Setting healthy holiday boundaries is key.

  • Set a specific time to talk about how you want to spend the holidays. Remember that you are on the same team and your spouse is your first priority… not your family.

  • As negotiations proceed, keep in mind that it isn’t your job to please everybody. You may make some decisions that disappoint one family or the other. That’s OK. People will adjust.

  • Before making any decisions, make sure all your options are on the table.

  • Once the decision has been made, each spouse should call their family to pass along the information. Be sure to say, “We have decided that…” instead of, “We can’t be with you Christmas day because he/she wants to be with his/her family.” That will do nothing but create problems for you.

  • Avoid committing to any invitations before checking with your spouse, even if you are certain he/she will want to go.

  • Be respectful of each other as you navigate this territory.

  • Finally, entertain the idea of starting your own traditions and consider including the in-laws.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

3 Tips for Satisfaction in Love and Marriage

All couples can intentionally move toward a healthy, long-lasting marriage.

Engaged couples usually have a few expectations about their day-to-day roles and the amount of satisfaction they’ll have in love and marriage. Who will manage the money? Who should initiate romance? What will the arrangements be if or when children arrive? Who will be responsible for housework, laundry and such?

If someone warned you before marriage or in its early stages about some real tension-causing issues most couples face, you might have dismissed any such idea. You probably thought your relationship was different than any other.

After the wedding, things do change, but not always the way anyone thinks it will. When conflict arises, some couples may question whether they have what it takes to keep the marriage afloat. Add unmet expectations, misunderstandings and hurt feelings to the mix and things can get messy. What can couples do when this happens?

“Though people are trained from an early age to analyze problems and create solutions, we must be careful to remember that marriage is a relationship to be nurtured, not a project to complete or a problem to be solved,” says Dr. Gary Chapman, relationship counselor and author of The Five Love Languages.

Chapman wants couples to understand that love is not the only foundation for marriage.

“The tingles,” as he calls it, is that early-stage feeling of euphoric love that lasts only about two years. When that feeling is gone, couples enter the stage of marriage where they must intentionally nurture their love and grow together as a couple. Additionally, they must be prepared for common stumbling blocks that occur.

Chapman offers some guidance to help all couples intentionally move toward a healthy, long-lasting marriage.

  • Understand that allegiances change after marriage, even as you marry into a family. When two people become one, they become each other’s priority. Let the in-laws know this as you make your own decisions together, but honor them in the process. And in-laws – it’s best not to give advice unless someone asks you.

  • Learn your mate’s love language and speak it often. If you don’t know if their love language is gifts, physical touch, acts of service, quality time or words of affirmation, watch them around others or listen to their complaints and their requests for some clues. Complaining about something or asking for something repeatedly can usually indicate what they need from you.

  • Realize that all couples have conflict and struggle with selfishness. Make sure you understand what you expect from each other, before marriage if possible. Be a good listener. Try to understand your mate when you disagree, then affirm what your mate says and share with one another. Don’t try to prove you are right and he/she is wrong. The relationship loses when one person has to win. “Two people arguing goes downhill fast,” Chapman says, “But two listeners build each other up.”

According to Chapman, two selfish, demanding people cannot have a good marriage. It takes time to master the art of loving each other well and learn how to give each other pleasure in a relationship. In the end, the most satisfied couples make an effort to serve and love each other, not themselves.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

Have you “friended” an old flame on Facebook without telling your spouse?

Once you marry, is it OK to have close friends of the opposite sex?

If asked to choose between going out with your friends or staying home with your spouse, which would you prefer?

Do you discuss details about your marriage relationship with your parents?

How you answer these questions can have a dramatic impact on your current or future marriage relationship and how you can protect it.

Most people are excited about spending the rest of their life with the one they love. However, the journey gets complicated when one person wants to do something or believes they have a right to do something and their spouse doesn’t share that same viewpoint. While the questions would be great discussion topics before you marry, it’s probably safe to say that most couples don’t talk about these issues until they hit them square in the face.

“Social media, friends of the opposite sex and in-laws are part of life,” says Dr. David Banks, relationship coach. “How you handle them can either enhance your marriage relationship or hurt it, which is why boundaries are important. Most people think of boundaries in marriage as bondage. In reality, they are the key to keeping your marriage healthy. Think of a four-way stop or a railroad crossing signal. These are in place to protect you from danger.”

Dr. Banks encourages couples to talk about these issues and to put a plan in place that builds up their marriage.

“A hot topic for couples is the role that in-laws will play in their marriage so they don’t inadvertently become outlaws,” Banks says. “Some in-laws want to hover and be super-involved in the newlyweds’ lives. This is not appropriate. You can be supportive without interfering with the couple as they learn how to make their relationship work. Couples have to learn how to crawl before they can walk.”

 

Other topics you might want to discuss include:

  • How to decline an invitation from the in-laws. Never throw your mate under the bus by saying, “We’re not coming because my wife/husband doesn’t want to come over to your house.” Create ground rules that will help you build a healthy relationship with your in-laws. Just because Sunday dinner at your parents’ house has been a ritual for years does not mean you have to keep doing that after you marry.
  • The importance of working together as a team. The goal is not what is best for you, but what is best for the team. Is “friending” an old flame really worth the tension it can create in your relationship?
  • How will you be intentional about taking care of your relationship? Avoid talking outside your relationship about things you haven’t talked about together. Discussing marital issues with an opposite-sex co-worker or friend can endanger the health of your marriage.
  • When facing a decision, ask yourself, “Will this be helpful to my marriage?” If the answer is no, don’t do it.

These may be topics you didn’t discuss prior to marriage. However, there is no better time than the present to do something that will help you tighten the knot.

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***