Articles for Married Couples

Everything listed under: wife

  • Post Featured Image

    What Husbands Need From Their Wives

    During the 2019 Chattanooga Women’s Leadership Institute’s IMPACT dinner in February, Katty Kay, a British journalist, author and broadcaster, spoke about the importance of confidence and competence, specifically in women.

    Kay shared that both she and her husband travel a lot. Whenever she was headed out of town, she lined up extra babysitters, made sure the refrigerator was stocked and made lists: lots of lists of all the kids’ activities and such to ensure that her husband didn’t forget anything. At some point she realized that she was going to all of this extra effort in preparation for leaving town, but that when her husband went out of town, he just left. This irritated her a bit.

    She had a conversation with him about it that went something along the lines of, “Whenever I am going out of town, I take the time to do all of this pre-prep for you to make sure everything gets taken care of. Yet when you go out of town, you do nothing.” 

    His response to her was, “Yes you do, but I did not ask you to do that.” 

    So the next time she went out of town, she did nothing. And, lo and behold, the house was still standing and the kids were taken care of when she returned home.

    Katty Kay is definitely not the only woman to fall into the trap of believing that if she doesn’t map everything out, things will fall apart while she is away. In fact, more than likely, a majority of women do the very same thing. 

    Here’s the deal. According to research, men want to know: Am I adequate? Am I able? Am I any good at what I do on the outside? 

    Despite all the well-meaning intention behind the pre-prep, the message men receive isn’t, “I love you so much that I am doing all of this for you before I leave town.” The inadvertent message is, “I’m not confident you have the bandwidth to remember everything that needs to be done so I will put a safety net in place to make sure none of the balls get dropped.”

    Research conducted by Harvard-educated analyst, Shaunti Feldhahn, found that three-quarters of the men surveyed, if forced to choose, would give up feeling loved by their wife if they could just feel respected by her.

    In an effort to try and better understand this, Feldhahn was speaking with a friend who stated: “I love my wife, but nothing I do is ever good enough.” When she asked what he meant, he said that they recently had friends over for dinner. Afterward, his wife needed to run to a meeting so he cleaned up the kitchen. Upon returning home, the wife kissed his cheek,  looked over his shoulder and sighed. She then went into the kitchen and started cleaning the countertops. Feldhahn asked the husband if there was anything his wife could have done differently and he said, “Yes, she could have said thanks.”

    Feldhahn explains that when women are thinking about something, they usually process out loud so there’s no question what they’re thinking. On the other hand, when men think and process, they almost do an internal chess match before they ever talk about it. Her research showed that in most cases, instead of questioning the husband’s decision, saying, “Help me understand,” will result in a long, well-thought out explanation.

    For example, one wife went out to a birthday party, leaving Dad with the kids. When she returned, she asked her husband why he had given the kids juice for dinner instead of milk. He got mad. She got defensive, and things went downhill from there.

    Feldhahn asked the husband to help his wife understand what happened. He explained that when he went to the fridge to get the milk, he realized if he gave the kids milk for dinner there wouldn't be enough for breakfast. He was going to go get more milk, but the baby was already asleep. They had been having a terrible time with her sleep cycle, so he didn't want to wake her up just to go get milk. He decided to give the kids juice, which he diluted by half with water so they wouldn't have as much sugar. After the explanation, the look on his wife's face said it all. This was a perfect example of assuming there was no thinking behind the behavior.

    Katty Kay’s message to the women in the room was this: The need for perfection is often the very thing that holds us back at work, home and in life in general. Just because you may not have it down perfectly doesn’t mean you aren’t qualified to do the job. Just because your spouse doesn’t clean the kitchen just like you would doesn’t mean you have to go behind them and “fix it.” Women have to be willing to step out of their comfort zone and try. She also said that learning how to fail and still move forward is important. And finally, as women grow in their confidence and competence, they should pass it on.

    Ironically, the very things women don’t want people doing to them, such as pigeonholing them, penalizing them for taking risks and questioning their competence, is the exact thing women often do to their husbands.

    Feldhahn believes it's important to let your husband be the dad he wants to be, not the dad you want him to be. Just like Kay pointed out that women don’t like feeling or being seen as incompetent or lacking in confidence, neither do men. Feldhahn encourages women to stop sending signals or telling your man he is inadequate and doesn't measure up. Instead of questioning his decisions, assume he has thought about it and seek to understand.

    This article was originally published in the Chattanooga Times Free Press on March 3, 2019.


  • Post Featured Image

    For the Guys: Tips for Putting Your Wife First (Without Hurting Mom's Feelings)

    When you tie the knot, family relationships change. 

    Your mom was probably your first teacher, encourager and biggest cheerleader. And chances are, she's one of the first people you've gone to for advice since... well, as long as you can remember. 

    But now things are different, and while your mom is still there for you, your wife takes the top spot.

    Think of it this way: You've added an all-star player to your team who wants to be there for you in every way possible, and she is at the top of your priority list.

    Adapting to marriage and navigating the changing road with Mom will take skill and finesse, especially since you don't want to hurt Mom's feelings, but these tips can help.

    • Do your best to speak positively to your mom about your wife. If your mom starts to criticize her, honor your wife in the conversation. And let Mom know that although you value her opinion, you don't want to hear her speak badly of your bride. 

    • When you and your wife make decisions together, present your decisions as a united front. You should be the one to tell your mother about the choice you made. Don't make it sound like it you only went along with it to avoid rocking the boat--that will only create problems.

    • Check with your wife before making plans with your mom. Never, EVER commit to something with your mother (like bringing her to live with you) without completely talking it over as a couple first.

    • Got problems in your marriage? DO NOT talk about them with Mom unless your bride says she's ok with it. (Hint: Make sure she's REALLY ok with it!)

    • Remember, you're no longer single. Turning to your parents for emotional support is not a bad thing, but turning to them BEFORE you reach out to your wife is not the best idea for your marriage. Your wife is now your number one support system - make sure she knows that.

  • Post Featured Image

    What Women Need to Know About Men

    Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-educated analyst who wants to enable men and women to have healthy, long-lasting marriages.

    "I travel a lot," says Feldhahn. "People frequently ask me what I do, and my usual response is: 'I help women understand men.' The men usually laugh and say, 'You know, we really aren't that complicated.'"

    Feldhahn's research found that in most cases, relationship problems happen when a husband and wife care deeply for each other and are trying really hard, but often in the wrong areas.

    "I ended up writing For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men to help open people's eyes so they start trying hard in the areas that will help them avoid hurting each other unnecessarily," Feldhahn says. "We asked men and women ages 15-75 to tell us: 'What are your fears, what are the things that light you up, and what makes you feel really bad?'"

    Women wanted to know: Am I lovable? Am I special? Am I worth loving for who I am on the inside? 

    Guys wanted to know: Am I adequate? Am I able? Am I any good at what I do on the outside?

    "These responses were significant," Feldhahn says. " 'Am I adequate?' leads to an entirely different set of primary needs than, 'Am I lovable?' A solid three-quarters of the men surveyed said, if they were forced to choose, they would choose giving up feeling loved by their wife if they could just feel respected by her."

    Feldhahn realized that women could tell their husbands they love them and be critical at the same time. It happens by questioning his decision-making skills and constantly telling him what to do and how to do it.

    "Trying to gain a greater understanding of this, I was speaking with a friend who made the statement to me, 'I love my wife, but nothing I do is ever good enough,'" Feldhahn says. "I asked what he meant. He told me that they recently had friends over for dinner. When the friends left, his wife needed to run to a meeting so he cleaned up the kitchen. When she returned home she kissed his cheek and looked over his shoulder into the kitchen and sighed. She then went into the kitchen and started cleaning the countertops. I asked the husband if there was anything his wife could have done differently. He said, 'Yes, she could have said thanks.'"

    Feldhahn contends that many women make men feel that what they do isn't good enough and that they are idiots. In fact, women often say it is their job to keep their husband humble. In reality, underneath the mask of confidence, most men want to do a good job in whatever role, but they aren't sure they know what they are doing. And they hope nobody finds out.

    "When we as women are thinking about something you know it because we process out loud," Feldhahn says. "When men are thinking, they almost do an internal chess match before they ever talk about it. Our research showed that in most cases, if you see a decision, instead of asking 'Why did you do that?' if you will ask, 'Help me understand,' in most cases you will hear a long explanation."

    For example, a wife went out to a birthday party, leaving Dad with the kids. When she returned, she asked her husband why he had given the kids juice for dinner instead of milk. He got mad. She got defensive, and things went downhill from there.

    "I asked the husband to help us understand. He said, 'I went to the fridge to get the milk and realized if I gave them milk for dinner there wouldn't be enough for breakfast. I was going to go get more milk, but the baby was already asleep, and we've been having a terrible time with her sleep cycle, so I didn't want to wake her up just to go get milk. I decided to give the kids juice, which I diluted by half with water so they wouldn't have as much sugar.' The look on his wife's face said it all. This was a perfect example of assuming there was no thinking behind the behavior."

    Feldhahn believes it's important to let your husband be the dad he wants to be, not the dad you want him to be. Feldhahn encourages women to stop sending signals or telling your man he is inadequate and doesn't measure up. Instead of questioning his decisions, assume he has thought about it and seek to understand.

  • Post Featured Image

    How to Choose a Christmas Gift for Your Wife

    'Twas four days before Christmas when all through the house, no one was stirring, not even your spouse. Stockings were hung by the chimney with care. What should you get her? Buyer beware!

    Your wife all nestled snug in your bed while visions of diamonds danced in her head. The dog had his bone in front of the fire while you shopped online before you retired. So many choices. What do you see? "A blender, a vacuum or something for me!"

    On Christmas morn, you’ll awake to a clatter and spring from your bed to see what’s the matter. When what to your wondering eyes will appear, your wife with a look that is very clear...

    We’ve all heard horror stories of gift-giving gone bad. One newlywed, recalling the look on her mother’s face when she received an appliance for Christmas, told her husband if she could use it in the kitchen or for cleaning the house, it did not qualify as a Christmas present.

    Believe it or not, she is not alone. Most women say if it’s practical, it isn’t something that should be given as a gift.

    December 25 will be here before you know it, but it’s not too late for you to find a great gift.

    Remember, men and women think differently.

    When choosing a gift for your mate, consider how she will interpret the meaning behind your gift. When in doubt, ask one of her friends or don’t run the risk. What men often don’t understand about gift buying is this: Women see the creativity, effort and gift itself as a direct reflection of how much her husband loves her. Men see a gift as a gift.

    Whether you think it makes sense or not, there is a lot riding on gifts in general. So if you aren’t planning on taking up residence on the family room couch, you might want to take your gift buying seriously.

    Be a good understudy to your wife. Listen carefully to what she says. Pay attention to the things she enjoys and the way she spends her time. Does she like to cook, garden, sew, read, run, knit, go to the movies or ride bikes? You might even ask her for a list of things she would like for Christmas. With a little investigative work, you can uncover some helpful hints to guide you in your gift-buying.

    When some women were asked what they would like for Christmas from their husbands, here's what they said:

    • Buy a gift certificate for a massage, manicure or pedicure.

    • Make plans to take the children out for the evening, allowing your wife to stay at home in peace and quiet.

    • Purchase a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant for a date night.

    • Plan a romantic getaway and take care of all the details. Give her hints about where she will be going and what she needs to bring for your getaway.

    In case you are still struggling a bit, here are some more helpful hints:

    • Purchase some of her favorite “go-to” items like special lotion, fragrance, candles, books, tea, and/or coffee.

    • Plan a surprise date night to see a play or concert. (Don’t forget to line up the babysitter. It’s not a real date if the person receiving the gift has to do the work to make it happen.)

    • Do you have a crafty skill like woodworking or making stained glass? She might enjoy something you made specifically with her in mind.

    • If finances are an issue, believe it or not, a handwritten letter expressing your love for her and how she makes your life rich is a priceless gift.

    • Throw practical out the window. This is the time you give something that you know your wife would never purchase for herself.

    • Take her on a window shopping date and pay attention to what catches her eye.

    • If all else fails and you are still at a loss, ask her to accompany you on a shopping spree to find the perfect gift.

    If you already have her gift, you could start having a little fun now and leave clues in unusual places where you know she will find them. Creating anticipation can make the gift seem even more special.

    So...with a gleam in your eye and a plan in your head, you know that you have nothing to dread. Your wife will proclaim with a smile shining bright, "Merry Christmas, honey. You got it just right!"