What to Teach Kids About Marriage
In a Wall Street Journal article called The Divorce Generation, Susan Gregory Thomas tells the story of her marriage. She met a guy, and they fell in love. Then, they moved in together. His parents warned them that being roommates and pals was totally different than being husband and wife, but they paid no attention. Instead, she and her boyfriend opposed their parents’ advice. They thought it was old-fashioned and sexist.
“Like many of my cohort, the circumstances of my upbringing led me to believe that I had made exactly the right choices by doing everything differently from my parents,” says Thomas.
Thomas thought her marriage would last forever. But nine years later, she found herself in the midst of an unwanted divorce.
A Generation of Divorce
“Gen X children witnessed the beginning of a divorce epidemic. This led to a divorce culture, which led to the conclusion that marriage can be a source of pain and loss,” says Dr. John Van Epp, clinical counselor and author. “These failed relationships convinced people to believe that relationships are good, but relationship definition is risky.”
According to a 2004 study by Generational Differences, Gen Xers were one of the least-parented and least-nurtured generations in U.S. history. Census data shows that almost half of them come from broken homes and that 40 percent were latchkey kids.
In the Journal of Sociology, Kate Hughes states, “Adult children of divorced parents’ failed marriages and broken families brought a fragility that led to risk-diminishing strategies.”
“Many parents sent messages to their children like, ‘Don’t marry young. Establish yourself first. Be sure. Be REALLY sure. The goal is to minimize your risks,’” Van Epp says. “Consequently, Gen Xers took the messages of apprehension a step further to avoidance. Can we form relationships without defining what they really are?”
Family Structure Matters
Van Epp believes it’s a myth that a lack of structure in a relationship is safe. Compared to children living with their own married parents, children 12-17 living with cohabitors are:
- Six times more likely to exhibit emotional and behavioral problems,
- 122 percent more likely to be expelled from school, and
- 90 percent more likely to have a lower GPA.
Additionally, the rates of serious abuse are:
- Lowest in intact families,
- Six times higher in stepfamilies,
- 14 times higher in always single-mother families,
- 20 times higher in a biological cohabiting family, and
- 33 times higher when the mother is cohabiting with a boyfriend who is not the biological father.
“Structure gives a framework to the relationship and defines the roles,” Van Epp says.
“People don’t understand that relationship dynamics without relationship structure increases their risk for experiencing exactly what they want to avoid in relationships. Whether married, single or divorced, you can teach your children about dating, partner selection and how to build healthy relationships that don’t create risks.”
The answer is not to avoid marriage but to teach kids about how to do it well. This begins when parents build their child’s confidence (not apprehension and avoidance) about how to successfully navigate romantic relationships and establish a secure and lasting marriage.
What Americans Think About Marriage
A January 2017 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair poll asked Americans about their views about marriage, and what they found may surprise you.
In 1960, 78 percent of American households were married. Compare that to 48 percent of today’s households. Why such a dramatic drop?
These days, many factors contribute to a decreasing marriage rate. Some say the stigma of divorce is not what it used to be. More women are working and are more independent. The number of couples living together outside of marriage has increased by more than 1000 percent. And, 40 percent of 18- to 34-year-old Americans are moving back in with their parents.
Despite all of these factors, this poll shows that marriage remains a goal and a dream for many.
For starters, the majority of respondents say the main purpose of marriage is to mark a commitment between two people in love. Nearly 1 in 4 sees it as providing the best environment for raising children. Interestingly, 1 in 5 does not think marriage has much purpose today.
A U.S. Census Bureau study found that only 6 percent of married couples make it to their 50th wedding anniversary. However, more than 90 percent of Americans say it’s an inspiring accomplishment to stay the course together for more than half a century. Those who reach this milestone cite good communication, supporting each other no matter what, having a sense of humor, and loving, respecting and being kind to each other as the keys to their success.
Threats to Marriage?
One out of 4 says jealousy poses the greatest threat to marriage. Other perceived threats are poverty (19 percent), boredom (18 percent), narcissism (15 percent) and the internet (15 percent).
Does being an adult child of divorce make people more likely to work harder at their marriage?
This poll found that 28 percent of Americans think that children of divorce generally work harder on their own marriages than most other people do. And, only 12 percent felt they tended not to work as hard. But get this – a full 52 percent from every walk of life felt that being a child of divorce makes no real difference when it comes to working on your marriage.
We’ve all heard that sex sells. But only 17 percent of those surveyed say they would be more entertained by an affair than by a beautiful love story that ends in marriage.
When it comes to monogamy, 2 out of 3 Americans feel that monogamous relationships are still essential for most of today’s romantic relationships. However, 1 out of 4 believes that monogamy is not realistic.
If you’re considering marriage, respondents definitely have some advice.
Their top three items on the list are to:
- Make sure you are compatible,
- Communicate, listen well and be committed to your marriage, and
- Don’t give up.
Other suggestions are to:
- Be honest and truthful,
- Make sure you are ready for marriage,
- Trust and support each other,
- Work out your issues,
- Show your love,
- Work hard at it,
- Hope for good luck.
Even though many believe marriage is out of style, it’s interesting to see how many Americans still hope to marry and want to do married well.
Retirement and Marriage
Neal and Pat Smith had a pretty consistent routine for 38 of their 50-plus years of marriage. Mr. Smith went to work and Mrs. Smith took care of the household chores and the children. Twelve years ago, Mr. Smith asked his wife what she thought about him retiring. She told him that was his decision and then promptly sought advice from a friend whose husband had been retired for a number of years.
“She gave me some wise advice,” says Mrs. Smith. “She said that since I was an only child and my husband was an only as well that we needed to give each other plenty of space to do our own thing. I think that has made a huge difference. We are together almost every evening, but during the day we can be in the house together, but not see each other for several hours as we pursue our own interests.”
Even though people say they look forward to the retirement years, experts know that the changes that accompany retirement can wreak havoc on a marriage.
If one person is used to giving orders at work, he/she might inadvertently start giving out orders at home, or if a spouse sees his/her identity as what they do for a living, when that is no longer the case it can be a very challenging time.
“Neal retired the first of January,” Mrs. Smith says. “I think those first two weeks were really hard. I remember one morning when I was headed to the mall, and I asked him if he wanted to go along. He grumbled and got in the car. When we arrived at the mall, we had to wait on some stores to open. There were all these people walking the mall. Neal was still grumpy. I looked at him and said, ‘You are such a grump – look at all these people that are happy.’ To which he replied, ‘I did not retire to walk these d–n malls.’ I realized that while he thought he was ready to retire, maybe he was having some doubts.”
In spite of a bit of a rocky start, the Smiths will tell you that the last 19 years have been a lot of fun.
“If I had the opportunity to talk with couples before they retire, I would definitely tell them that having a plan, not just a financial plan, but a plan for your marriage is very important,” says Mr. Smith. “If you retire and sit at home with no idea what to do or you think that you have to do everything together, odds are nobody is going to be happy. We have taken trips with friends, we both have our separate interests and the things we enjoy doing as a couple.”
Mr. Smith meets every week with a group of retired men. They call themselves ROMEO (Retired Old Men Eating Out). They meet at 8:30 for breakfast, discuss the problems of the world and in their words, solve none of them. Then they finish around 9:30 and go on about their day.
“It took us a little while to get acclimated to retirement,” Mrs. Smith says. “The first week of retirement was traumatic. Sometimes it was the little things that created a bit of tension. Neal had always pulled his car in right behind mine because he was the first one to leave. I told him he would have to find another place to park his car because three mornings a week I left before him. I also said that the last person out of bed had to make the bed. One of the most fun changes is that Neal does most of the cooking now!”
If you are considering retirement, make sure your plan includes how you will deal with this transition in order to keep your marriage on track.
The Smiths made the following suggestions to help couples prepare for this time of transition:
- Make a plan for how you will live within your means. The Smiths talked ahead of time about how retirement would impact their lifestyle. When the time came, they were ready to make the necessary changes.
- Talk about how things will be different. Keeping the lines of communication open is critical during this time of uncertainty.
- Connect with other retired folks. Spending time with people who have already been through the transition can help make your passage to retirement easier.
- Find some hobbies or expand the ones you already have. Mr. Smith is an avid fisherman and loves woodworking and gardening. No matter what time of year it is, he has a project going – whether it is preparing for the next fishing trip or planning his garden.
- Have a sense of humor. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself because crazy things will happen!
“Even though it took us a while to adjust, retirement has been great,” the Smiths say. “It has allowed us time for leisurely visits with our grandchildren without having to worry about rushing back for work. We have made some great friendships and have taken some fun trips. Best of all, we still enjoy each other’s company.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
4 Ways You Can Protect Your Marriage From Social Media
Does media use really impact marital quality? And what can you do to protect your marriage from social media if it does?
These questions have been swirling around for years now. According to attorneys, social media use impacts divorce cases now more than ever before. Counselors also say it’s increasingly common for couples to argue about media use in counseling sessions.
You only have to look around to see how media use impacts marriages.
Next time you eat out, watch as couples sit together at a table. Chances are, both of them will on their device instead of talking to each other.
Jeffery Dew and Sarah Tulane, colleagues at Utah State University, studied more than 1,300 randomly selected married couples. Then, they measured their use of television, video games and social networking websites such as Facebook and Twitter. The couples rated their marital quality in terms of happiness in different areas, how often they fought and how likely they thought they were to get divorced.
The findings showed that the more husbands used social media, the worse they both felt about their marriage – and both spouses reported more conflict. Women whose husbands spent more time on social media reported lower levels of marital happiness, and they both perceived higher levels of divorce likelihood.
It is interesting that the husband’s use of social media appeared to impact marital quality more than the wife’s. Dew and Tulane speculated that, since women use communication to build their relationships more than men do, they see it as just another tool to communicate and connect. However, men’s use of social networking sites may violate social norms and expectations about their behavior, which could lead to marital issues.
How can you protect your marriage from social media?
- Make time for face-to-face conversation. Focusing on your phone, television, Facebook, etc. takes away from focusing on each other. While you can use media to communicate with your spouse, there’s no substitute for face-to-face conversation.
- Pay attention to how much time you spend playing video games individually. When spouses disagreed about how much time the other was spending gaming, marital quality decreased.
- Ask each other about how media use affects your relationship. You may need to take a break from media. Invest that time elsewhere.
- Establish media-free zones. Too much of anything can be a bad thing. Decide together if certain times or places in your home (like the bedroom) are off-limits for media use. Hold each other accountable.
Sitting beside each other doesn’t mean you are spending quality time together, especially if you both are in your own worlds on media. Take steps to ensure that media doesn’t distract you from the most important relationship in your life.
Looking for more resources? Watch this episode of JulieB TV for an in-depth look on this topic!
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
What’s The Point of Marriage?
Popular shows like Married by America or The Bachelor might lead you to believe that marriage, which has been declining for 30 years, is making a comeback. But look closely at these shows: their focus is more on romantic relationships and lavish weddings. Is the point of marriage only about fulfilling our emotional needs, or is it something more?
According to Dr. David Popenoe, co-director of Rutgers’ National Marriage Project, marriage means much more than that.
“What people seem to have forgotten is one very important element or purpose of marriage,” said Popenoe. “Throughout history, marriage has been viewed as a child-rearing institution. As a society, we, like other modern societies, are drifting ever further from that understanding. While Americans aspire to marriage, they are evermore inclined to see it as an intimate relationship between adults rather than as a necessary social arrangement for rearing children.
“There is a robust body of research that indicates that children raised with their two, married biological parents (mother and father), who are in a low-conflict relationship, on the whole do much better in life than children raised in other family forms. To the degree that we as a society want our children to do well in life, we should be very concerned with what is happening to marriage.”
Popenoe believes that the stakes are high, and that it’s worth a good fight to correct the current situation. He says the weakening of marriage has contributed to a new kind of child poverty: a poverty of connectedness.
Four decades of persistently high levels of marital disruption and non-marriage have taken a toll on children’s primary sources of emotional nurturance and security. Parent-child, especially father-child ties, have become more fragile, inconsistent and distant. Children’s emotional lives have become more turbulent, insecure and anxiety-filled as a result.
In the midst of materially abundant society, signs of emotional want and deprivation are growing – even among the most economically privileged young. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders and other psychosocial difficulties are on the rise. Overall, a child’s quality of life was no better in 1998 than in 1975. Children have borne more than their fair share of the burdens associated with the weakening of marriage.
American society today requires ever-higher levels of individual competence and educational achievement for a successful adult life.
To meet these demands, children need strong character, healthy bodies and able minds. Warm, consistent and firm parental attachments help children defer gratification, set and stick to goals, and resist harmful peer pressures. Close parent-child bonds protect teens from emotional distress. But they also protect them from risky behaviors such as early sexual activity, smoking, drinking and drug use. Young adults’ ability to form strong, lasting marriages enhances their own emotional well-being. It also confers psychological benefits on their children as well.
“One of the best things that the society can do for children is to create the conditions for healthy marriages,” Popenoe said. “This does not mean pushing marriage at any cost on everyone. But it does mean increasing the proportion of parental marriages that are low in conflict and high in mutual respect, cooperation and duration. It also means reducing the economic and social obstacles that stand in the way of successful and long-term commitment to marriage.”
The research is encouraging. For the first time in 40 years, the percentage of two-married parent families has slightly increased. Through conflict resolution, mediation, premarital education and communication skills, couples are learning how to have a healthy, long-lasting marriage. While marriage is a covenant between two adults, research shows it is not just for their benefit; it benefits children and society as a whole.
“We go to great lengths to educate our children in hopes that they will have a bright future,” Popenoe said. “Certainly, having a strong marriage and family is every bit as important as having a good education.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
How Boundaries Can Protect Your Marriage
Have you “friended” an old flame on Facebook without telling your spouse?
Once you marry, is it OK to have close friends of the opposite sex?
If asked to choose between going out with your friends or staying home with your spouse, which would you prefer?
Do you discuss details about your marriage relationship with your parents?
How you answer these questions can have a dramatic impact on your current or future marriage relationship and how you can protect it.
Most people are excited about spending the rest of their life with the one they love. However, the journey gets complicated when one person wants to do something or believes they have a right to do something and their spouse doesn’t share that same viewpoint. While the questions would be great discussion topics before you marry, it’s probably safe to say that most couples don’t talk about these issues until they hit them square in the face.
“Social media, friends of the opposite sex and in-laws are part of life,” says Dr. David Banks, relationship coach. “How you handle them can either enhance your marriage relationship or hurt it, which is why boundaries are important. Most people think of boundaries in marriage as bondage. In reality, they are the key to keeping your marriage healthy. Think of a four-way stop or a railroad crossing signal. These are in place to protect you from danger.”
Dr. Banks encourages couples to talk about these issues and to put a plan in place that builds up their marriage.
“A hot topic for couples is the role that in-laws will play in their marriage so they don’t inadvertently become outlaws,” Banks says. “Some in-laws want to hover and be super-involved in the newlyweds’ lives. This is not appropriate. You can be supportive without interfering with the couple as they learn how to make their relationship work. Couples have to learn how to crawl before they can walk.”
Other topics you might want to discuss include:
- How to decline an invitation from the in-laws. Never throw your mate under the bus by saying, “We’re not coming because my wife/husband doesn’t want to come over to your house.” Create ground rules that will help you build a healthy relationship with your in-laws. Just because Sunday dinner at your parents’ house has been a ritual for years does not mean you have to keep doing that after you marry.
- The importance of working together as a team. The goal is not what is best for you, but what is best for the team. Is “friending” an old flame really worth the tension it can create in your relationship?
- How will you be intentional about taking care of your relationship? Avoid talking outside your relationship about things you haven’t talked about together. Discussing marital issues with an opposite-sex co-worker or friend can endanger the health of your marriage.
- When facing a decision, ask yourself, “Will this be helpful to my marriage?” If the answer is no, don’t do it.
These may be topics you didn’t discuss prior to marriage. However, there is no better time than the present to do something that will help you tighten the knot.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage
What are the keys to effective communication? Well, research on what makes marriage work shows that happy and healthy couples have a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative behaviors in their relationship.1This means there are five times as many positive interactions between happy couples (i.e., listening, validating the other person, using soft words, expressing appreciation, affirmation, physical affection, compliments, etc.) as there are negative (i.e., raising one’s voice, stating a complaint, or expressing one’s anger).
Tips for improving the effectiveness of communication in your relationship:
Be intentional about spending time together.
Couples often spend very little time in meaningful conversation throughout the week. To change this, turn off the technology and make it a point to spend 20-30 minutes a day catching up with each other.
Use more “I” statements and less “You” statements.2
This decreases the chances of your spouse feeling like they need to defend themselves. For example, “I wish you would acknowledge more often how much work I do at home to take care of you and the children.”
Be specific.
When issues arise, be specific. Broad generalizations like, “You do it all the time!” are not helpful.
Avoid mind-reading.
It is very frustrating when someone else acts like they know better than you what you were really thinking.
Express negative feelings constructively.
There will be times when you feel bitterness, resentment, disappointment or disapproval. These feelings need to be communicated in order for change to occur. But how you express these thoughts is critical. It’s one thing to say, “I am really disappointed that you are working late again tonight.” But if you say, “You clearly do not care one whit about me or the kids. If you did, you would not work late every night,” will convey something entirely different.
You’ve had conversations with your spouse, even arguments, and maybe straight-up fights about this issue or that problem, BUT those interactions often don’t lead to any solutions. But why is that exactly?
Join us for this 20-minute webinar to find out!
Listen without being defensive.
For a marriage to succeed, both spouses must be able to hear each other’s complaints without getting defensive. This is much harder than learning how to express negative feelings effectively.
Freely express positive feelings.
Most people are quicker to express negative feelings than positive ones. It is vital to the health of your marriage that you affirm your spouse. Positive feelings such as appreciation, affection, respect, admiration, and approval are like making deposits into your love account. You should have five positive deposits for every one negative. If your compliments exceed your complaints, your spouse will pay attention to your grievances. If your complaints exceed your compliments, your criticism will fall on deaf ears.
Sources:
1Gottman, J.M., & Levenson, R.W. (1999). What Predicts Change in Marital Interaction Over Time? A Study of Alternative Models. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00143.x
2Rogers, S. L., et al. (2018). I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. https://doi.org/10.7717/peerj.4831
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Seasons of a Marriage
Marriage expert and creator of divorcebusting.com, Michele Weiner-Davis, and her husband, Jim, have been married for more than 30 years. Since Weiner-Davis is an expert, you might assume that marriage would be easy.
“Expert or not, marriage is hard work,” says Weiner-Davis. “At times you consider quitting. Creating a lasting marriage is a humbling experience. It is part skill, part luck, elbow grease and blind determination.”
Having devoted her life work to helping couples, Weiner-Davis knows that all marriages go through stages and predictable crises.
“All couples experience hills and valleys, yet predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing overreactions,” Weiner-Davis says. “Those who weather these universal stormy periods usually end up with greater love and commitment to their spouses.”
Though all marriages are unique, most marriages experience five predictable stages/seasons.
Passion typically fills the first stage of marriage.
Starry-eyed in love with your mate, you finish each other’s sentences and usually overlook annoying things. At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other as intense. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes, heighten sexuality and sensuality.
Joy ultimately gives way to an awakening; marriage isn’t what you expected.
Enter stage two.
This is when reality sets in. Little things start to bother you like stinky breath in the morning, toilet seats left up, stuff strewn on the counter and forgetting to pay bills. You argue a lot. Reminding yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the real meaning of eternity.
“While feeling at odds with your once-kindred spirit, you are faced with making life-altering decisions,” Weiner-Davis shares. “Should we have children, where to live, who will support the family, who pays the bills and who will do the cooking? Spouses often start to feel like members of opposing teams.”
Then comes stage three.
At this point, most people believe there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse’s way and your way. Couples battle to get their partner to admit they are wrong. Every disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Both partners dig in their heels.
“Convinced they’ve tried everything, many couples give up, telling themselves they’ve fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Other people resign themselves to the situation and lead separate lives together. Still others decide it’s time to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Requiring a major leap of faith, those who take it are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.”
During stage four, couples realize seeing eye-to-eye on everything is unlikely.
They work to live more peaceably. They seek wise counsel from close friends and family, and marriage seminars or counseling. Hardheadedness is easier to forgive as each person recognizes that neither party is exactly easy to live with. When disagreements occur, couples try to put themselves in each other’s shoes more often. They recognize they have to accept the good and the bad. Fights happen less frequently and are not as intense or emotional as before.
Finally, stage five.
“Many couples never get to this stage,” Weiner-Davis states. “No longer struggling to define what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. You start ‘liking’ your spouse again. While both agree marriage hasn’t been easy, there is shared history and you feel proud you’ve weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner’s sense of commitment to making your marriage last. You begin to appreciate differences between you and your spouse. What you don’t appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. You realize you have come full circle.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
