Dating Archives

The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy has reviewed research about parental influences on children’s sexual behavior and talked to many experts in the field, as well as to teens and parents. From these sources, it’s clear that there’s a lot parents and adults can do to reduce the risk of children becoming pregnant before they’ve grown up.

Presented here as “10 tips,” many of these lessons will seem familiar. They articulate what parents already know from experience – the importance of maintaining strong, close relationships with children and teens, setting clear expectations and communicating honestly and often about important matters.

Finally, although these tips are for parents, they can be used by other adults, too.

So, what can you do?

1. Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.

Communicating with your children about sex, love and relationships is often more successful when you’re sure in your own mind about these issues. To help clarify your attitudes and values, think about questions like these:

What do you really think about school-aged teenagers being sexually active – perhaps even becoming parents?
Who is responsible for setting sexual limits in a relationship and how is that done realistically?
Were you sexually active as a teenager and how do you feel about that now?
Were you sexually active before you were married?
What do such reflections lead you to say to your own children about these issues?
What do you think about encouraging teenagers to abstain from sex?
How do you feel about teenagers using contraceptives?

2. Talk with your children early and often about sex, and be specific.

Children have lots of questions about sex, and they often say that the source they’d most like to go to for answers is their parents. Start the conversation, and make sure that it is honest, open and respectful. If you can’t think of how to start the discussion, consider using situations shown on television or in the movies as conversation starters. Tell them candidly and confidently what you think and why you take these positions; if you’re not sure about some issues, tell them that, too. Be sure to have a two-way conversation, not a one-way lecture. Ask them what they think and what they know so you can correct misconceptions. Ask what, if anything, worries them.

Age-appropriate conversations about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence. Resist the idea that there should be just one conversation about all this – you know – “the talk.” The truth is that parents and children should be talking about sex and love all along. This applies to sons and daughters and to mothers and fathers, incidentally. All children need a lot of communication, guidance and information about these issues, even if they sometimes don’t appear to be interested in what you have to say. And if you have regular conversations, you won’t worry so much about making a mistake or saying something not quite right, because you’ll always be able to talk again.

Many inexpensive books and videos are available to help with any detailed information you might need, but don’t let your lack of technical information make you shy. Children need as much help in understanding the meaning of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. Tell them about love and sex, and what the difference is. And remember to talk about the reasons that children find sex interesting and enticing; discussing only the “downside” of unplanned pregnancy and disease misses many of the issues on teenagers’ minds.

Here are the kinds of questions children say they want to discuss:

How do I know if I’m in love?
Will sex bring me closer to my girlfriend/boyfriend?How will I know when I’m ready to have sex?
Should I wait until marriage?
Will having sex make me popular?
Will it make me more grown-up and open up more adult activities for me?
Can I tell my boyfriend/girlfriend that I don’t want to have sex without losing him/her or hurting his feelings?
How do I manage pressure from my boyfriend/girlfriend to have sex?
How does contraception work?
Are some methods better than others? Are they safe?
Can you get pregnant the first time?

3. In addition to being an askable parent, be a parent with a point of view. Tell your children what you think. Don’t be reluctant to say, for example:

I think kids in high school are too young to have sex, especially given today’s risk.
Our family religion says that sex should be an expression of love within marriage.
Finding yourself in a sexually-charged situation is not unusual; you need to think about how you’ll handle it in advance. Have a plan. Will you say “no?” Will you use contraception? How will you negotiate all this?
It’s okay to think about sex and to feel sexual desire. Everybody does! But it’s not okay to get pregnant /get somebody pregnant as a teenagers.
One of the many reasons I’m concerned about teens drinking is that it often leads to sex.
(For boys) Having a baby doesn’t make you a man. Being able to wait and acting responsibly does.
(For girls) You don’t have to have sex to keep a boyfriend. If sex is the price of a close relationship, find someone else.

By the way, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active. And remember that your own behavior should match your words. The “do as I say, not as I do” approach is bound to lose with children and teenagers, who are careful and constant observers of the adults in their lives.

Supervise and monitor your children and adolescents. Establish rules, curfews, and standards of expected behavior, preferably through an open process of family discussion and respectful communication. If your children get out of school at 3 p.m. and you don’t get home from work until 6 p.m., who is responsible for making certain that your children are not only safe during those hours, but also are engaged in useful activities? Where are they when they go out with friends? Are there adults around who are in charge? Supervising and monitoring your child’s whereabouts doesn’t make you a nag; it makes you a parent.

4. Know your children’s friends and their families.

Friends have a strong influence on each other, so help your children and teenagers become friends with people whose families share your values. Some parents of teens even arrange to meet with the parents of their children’s friends to establish common rules and expectations. It is easier to enforce a curfew that all your child’s friends share rather than one that makes him or her different – even if your views don’t match those of other parents. Hold fast to your convictions. Welcome your children’s friends into your home and talk to them openly.

5. Discourage early, frequent and steady dating.

Group activities among young people are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to begin steady, one-on-one dating before age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know about strong feelings about this throughout childhood – don’t wait until your young teen proposes a plan that differs from your preferences in this area; otherwise, he or she will think you just don’t like the particular person or invitation.

6. Take a strong stand against your daughter dating a boy significantly older than she is.

And don’t allow your son to develop an intense relationship with girls much younger than he is. Older guys can seem glamorous to a young girl; sometimes they even have money and a car to boot! But the risk of matters getting out of hand increases when the guy is much older than the girl is. Try setting a limit of no more than a two- (or at the most, three-) year age difference. The power differences between younger girls and older boys or men can lead girls into risky situations, including unwanted sex with no protection.

7. Help your teenagers to have options for the future that are more attractive than early pregnancy and parenthood.

The chances that your children will delay sex, pregnancy and parenthood are significantly increased if their futures appear bright. This means helping them set meaningful goals for the future, talking to them about what it takes to make future plans come true, and helping them reach their goals. Tell them for example, that if they want to be a teacher, they will need to stay in school in order to earn various degrees and pass certain exams. It also means teaching them to use free time in a constructive way, such as setting aside certain times to complete homework assignments. Explain how becoming pregnant – or causing pregnancy – can derail the best of plans; for example, childcare expenses can make it almost impossible to afford college. Community service, in particular, not only teaches job skills, but can also put teens in touch with a wide variety of committed and caring adults.

8. Let children know that you value education highly.

Encourage your children to take school seriously and set high expectations about their school performance. School failure is often the first sign of trouble that can end in teenage parenthood. Be very attentive to your children’s progress in school and intervene early if things aren’t going well. Keep track of your children’s grades and discuss them together. Meet with teachers and principals, guidance counselors and coaches. Limit the number of hours your teenager gives to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should be the maximum) so that there is enough time and energy left to focus on school. Know about homework assignments and support your child in getting them done. Volunteer at the school, if possible. Schools want more parental involvement and will often try to accommodate your work schedule, if asked.

9. Know what your children are watching, reading and listening to.

The media (television, radio, movies, music videos, magazines, and the Internet) are chock full of material sending the wrong messages. Sex rarely has meaning, unplanned pregnancy seldom happens, and few people having sex ever seem to be married or even especially committed to anyone. Is this consistent with your expectations and values? If not, it is important to talk with your children about what the media portray and what you think about it. If certain programs or movies offend you say so, and explain why. Be “media literate” – think about what you and your family are watching and reading. Encourage your children to think critically: ask them what they think about the programs they watch and the music they listen to.

You can always turn the TV off, cancel subscriptions and place certain movies off limits. You will probably not be able to fully control what children see and hear, but you can certainly make your views known and control your own home environment.

10. These first nine tips for helping your children avoid teen pregnancy work best when they occur as part of strong, close relationships with your children that are built from early age.

Strive for a relationship that is warm in tone, firm in discipline and rich in communication, and one that emphasizes mutual trust and respect. There is no single way to create such relationships, but the following habits of the heart can help:

Express love and affection clearly and often. Hug your children, and tell them how much they mean to you. Praise specific accomplishments, but remember that expressions of affection should be offered freely, not just for a particular achievement.
Listen carefully to what your children say and pay thoughtful attention to what they do.
Spend time with your children engaged in activities that suit their ages and interests, not just yours. Shared experiences build a “bank account” of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication with them about specific topics, including sexual behavior.
Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about their hobbies; be enthusiastic about their achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.
Be courteous and respectful to your children and avoid hurtful teasing or ridicule. For example, don’t compare your teenager with other family members (i.e., why can’t you be like your older sister?). Show that you expect courtesy and respect in return.
Help them build self-esteem by mastering skills; remember, self-esteem is earned, not given, and one of the best ways to earn it is by doing something well.
Try to have meals together as a family as often as possible, and use the time for conversation, not confrontation.

It’s never too late to improve a relationship with your child or teenager.

Don’t underestimate the great need that children feel at all ages for a close relationship with their parents and for their parents’ guidance, approval and support.

Taken from theNational Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

The former pro athlete sat in the therapist’s office, sobbing. He and his wife had taken away their daughter’s cellphone the day before. While watching television that night, a picture of the boy their daughter was “talking” to popped up. It wasn’t just any picture. It was a sexual pose with private parts exposed.

Shocked at what they saw, they had their daughter open up her phone. They were stunned to see many compromising pictures, not only of the boy, but of their daughter as well.

Devastated, the father asked the therapist, “How could this be? I will never be able to erase these images from my brain. What do we do now?”

Dr. Jill Murray, psychologist and author of But He Never Hit Me and Destructive Relationships, shared her experience working at a domestic violence shelter. She found that every woman she interviewed there began their abusive relationships when they were 13 or 14 years old, going from abuser to abuser.

While many parents might automatically suspect physical abuse, some don’t consider the possibility of teen dating abuse with incredibly controlling behavior using cellphones.

Consider this:

54 percent of teens say they communicate hourly with the person they are dating via cellphone between midnight and 5 a.m.
38 percent of teens receive texts 30 to 50 times an hour by their boy/girlfriend inquiring about what they are doing.
78 percent of parents are unaware their teen feels afraid in their dating relationship.
87 percent of parents are unaware their teen has been asked to have sex via their cellphone.
82 percent of parents are unaware of cellphone use through the night.

Current statistics indicate that:

1 in 5 young women will be a victim of sexual assault in college.
1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 guys will be in a physically violent relationship.
The vast majority (85 percent) of teen violence is not physical at all. Rather, it is emotional and verbal abuse.
1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner.
Gender is not a qualifier.

Teen Dating Abuse: “This is a huge epidemic,” asserts Murray.

“The reason I use the word ‘epidemic’ is because if we had a disease in this country that affected 85 percent of teens we would consider it an epidemic. This is a huge problem that we can’t overlook.

“When I speak to teens I tell them, ‘If you are ever in a relationship where you feel frightened, scared to tell the truth, scared of making them angry, scared not to keep your cellphone on all night, or you spend a lot of time crying about your relationship, you are in an abusive relationship,’” Murray says.

“It is important to remember that teens have limited life experience and perspective. Their perspective is shaped by music, video games and the Kardashians. When we tell them it is not normal to be afraid or to not answer your cell at all hours of the day and night, they are shocked.”

A typical 14-year-old has no idea that a relationship is abusive when one person makes the rules, constantly changes the rules but doesn’t follow them and causes the other person in the relationship to be afraid of breaking the rules. Murray believes adults everywhere have a responsibility to educate young people about what healthy relationships look like and how to protect themselves from abusive ones.

“Education is the key,” Murray says. “In addition to teaching teens, parents need to educate themselves about the signs and symptoms of abusive relationships.”

Your Teen Might Be in an Abusive Relationship IF:

He/she becomes physically agitated, nervous or unreasonably upset about giving up their cellphone at night.
He/she is always tired and seems like they don’t rest because of nighttime texting.
The person he/she is dating seems to try and isolate them from friends, family and their typical activities.
They cry frequently, seem nervous and have trouble making decisions.
They are constantly “reporting in” to their boy/girlfriend.

What Can You Do?

“I tell teens, love is a behavior,” Murray says. “Teens are feeling, feeling, feeling to the 10th power. Everything is big and dramatic. You can tell yourself that your feelings are anything. Then you get them to just look at behavior. Things like: He cheats on you. Is that loving behavior? She lies to you. Is that loving behavior? You’re losing sleep. Is that loving behavior?

“It gives them the opportunity to open up boxes in their head. It’s a new way of looking at their relationship that focuses on behavior. This is really important. This is the only way we can talk with them. Essentially, we are backing them into a corner where their only out is logic. Then, I tell them there are three things you have control over: your thoughts, your actions and your reactions. And hoping things will be different is not a strategy.”

Although most parents probably don’t think this could happen to their child, ignorance can be very dangerous. Despite the tension it may cause, conversations on this topic are critical. Make sure they understand what healthy and unhealthy behavior looks like in a relationship, because teen dating abuse has the potential to impact them long into adulthood.

Tag Archive for: Dating

10 Tips for Parents: Teen Pregnancy Prevention