deepen-relationship-with-spouse

Let’s just say for the sake of argument that your marriage is doing just fine under “Shelter-In-Place” orders. You’ve managed to weather the storm of COVID-19 and quarantine without any relationship issues or problems. Awesome! But just because you are under the same roof and you aren’t fighting doesn’t mean you are connecting. Our goal is for our relationships to come out on the other side of this chaos even stronger and for us to be even more deeply connected. This blog is all about how to deepen your relationship with your spouse during COVID-19.

If this whole thing has been a struggle for you and your spouse—you are taking stress out on each other, you are driving each other crazy, or you are just plain bored of each other—this is for you too.

Remember

You may be talking, but that doesn’t mean you’re sharing.

You may be hearing, but that doesn’t mean you’re listening.

What follows are some conversation starters to keep you both talking and diving deeper into new levels of intimacy during this… this. Why waste this unique time? Connect, and deepen your relationship with your spouse!

A Few Ground Rules:

  • Make sure BOTH of you get to answer the question. One person talking at a time.
  • Practice “active listening” skills. Body language-—look like you are listening. Turn off the television and put the phones and game controllers down. Ask good follow up questions to probe deeper. Ask “Why?” Listen between the lines. If need be, see if you can put your spouse’s answer in your own accurate words to avoid miscommunication.
  • Go where the conversation leads. Let conversations evolve organically.
  • Take the questions a couple at a time. Don’t try to blow through the list in one night.
  • Find a time that is conducive to conversation. It might be when you first get up or right before bed. It might work best somewhere in between.
  • Cultivate some relational space where you and your spouse feel safe to be honest, transparent, and vulnerable. (If one or both of you don’t feel that, here’s your first question: “Why not?” Get talking!)

Questions About This Specific COVID-19/Quarantine Time:

For Couples:

  • Is there anything you’re struggling with? How can I help?
  • What do you want to do first when we get out of here?
  • How is your (extended) family doing right now?
  • Are there any ways we’ve been neglecting our relationship during this time? 
  • Do we have a plan in place if one of us gets sick? If not, what kind of arrangements should we be thinking about?
  • What do you miss the most about normalcy?
  • What have you enjoyed during this time when we are limited in what we can do? And how can we make that a priority down the road?
  • How do you think the world will be different when this is all done?
  • How do you think WE will be different when this is all done? Individually/Couple?
  • What is one project we have been putting off that you would like to tackle?
  • What is a fun “in-house” date we could pull off?

For Parents:

  • How do you think the kids are processing all this? How do we “tune in to them?”
  • Are there ways we have been too strict? Too lenient?
  • Do our kids have talents, passions, or interests we could be encouraging? How?
  • How can we encourage our kids to help others during this time?
  • What are some creative, crazy, fun things we can do to relieve some stress?
  • Should we have family meetings, talk to kids one on one, or both? How do we make sure communication is happening?
  • What has been the hardest/easiest part of the quarantine for our children?

Questions About The Fun Stuff (And Some Serious Stuff, Too.)

  • Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?
  • Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  • Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
  • What would constitute a perfect day for you?
  • When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
  • Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
  • Name three things we appear to have in common.
  • For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
  • If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  • Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  • If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?
  • What do you remember thinking to yourself the first time you saw me?
  • When did you know you were in love with me?
  • What are three qualities about me that you were first attracted to?
  • What are three of your happiest memories of our early days together?
  • If our love story was a movie, what movie does it most closely resemble?
  • What was your favorite date that we ever had? What made it so special for you?
  • How and when did you know we’d make it as a couple?
  • What are three strengths you see between us that we possess as a team?
  • What’s your very favorite memory of me?
  • How did you know you wanted to be with me? Did it happen in a moment or overtime?
  • How do I make you feel especially loved in our relationship?
  • What are some of the little things I do that kind of drive you nuts but also that you secretly like about me?
  • What’s your favorite sexual memory of us?
  • Make three true “we” statements. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear your computer or device is being monitored, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***

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