Does it seem like you are on opposite sides of EVERY issue?
Do you feel unappreciated, unheard and undervalued in your marriage?
Are you all super busy and seem to spend no time together at all?
Do you find yourself asking the question, “Does my husband love me?”
Ways We Experience Love
As individuals, we all experience love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, discusses the 5 ways people receive love. Below is a listing of the 5 Love Languages and how you can be loved the way that you need.
Words of Affirmation—Notes, cards, spoken words, text messages.
Acts of Service—Actions that make your spouse’s life easier. (i.e., wash dishes, dust, vacuum, etc.)
Gifts—Giving your spouse small or large tokens that have meaning to them.
Quality Time—Spending concentrated and focused time with your spouse.
Physical Touch—Hand-holding, hugging, kissing, etc.
In addition to the 5 Love Languages, understanding the definition of love can place the picture into better focus.
The dictionary definition of love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” In other words, love is what one feels. In the article, We Are Defining Love The Wrong Way, Rabbi David Wolpe expands the definition to be “an enacted emotion.” Love requires action. If you need more love from your husband, the following questions may help with a conversation.
How can my husband best show love to me?
How do I feel cherished and valued?
What does loving me look like from my perspective?
Am I not loveable right now?
What do I need from my husband?
Am I struggling with issues of the day? (COVID-19, social unrest, etc.)
How can I talk to my husband about what I am feeling?
How do I get him to understand what is going on inside of me?
Share your emotions with him.
Our husbands are not mind readers. Being clear and concise about feeling lonely or disconnected is the way to go. It takes vulnerability to share your insecurities and fears with him, but it can be a bridge to a better and closer relationship.
Recognize that you each receive love differently.
Most husbands have a different love language than their wives. We most often seek to love our spouse in the language we know rather than the love language they speak. Additionally, husbands often want to make sure they provide for their wives and families. This may mean working overtime to get that special gift or go on that special trip for YOU, while you would be fine with him being at home with him. There is nothing wrong with either way. It is JUST different.
Understand his need to fix it.
We often communicate to share details or process what we think or feel about a situation. While we are processing, he is thinking of a way to fix it in order to make your life easier. His intention is to help what he perceives as a problem, while you see him as not hearing or listening to you. When you share with him how you are feeling, try telling him you just want him to listen and when you feel like he “gets you,” then you can talk about possible solutions.
In the midst of the chaos and distractions of today’s society, it seems easy to get off-kilter in our marriages. Frustration and mixed signals can lead us down a path of feeling unloved, insecure and disconnected. Remembering that how we feel/give love looks different for each of us will allow us to ask for and receive the love that we need.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
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