Kindness: The Superpower Everyone Can Use
“What if you don’t respect or appreciate your spouse?”
That’s the question a woman asked social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn after she spoke at a conference on the topic of kindness.
Feldhahn encouraged her to take a 30-day Kindness Challenge. The steps are:
- Say nothing negative about that person – either to them or about them.
- Each day, find one positive thing to praise or affirm about that person. Then tell them and tell someone else.
- Each day, do one small act of kindness or generosity for them.
- You may or may not choose to tell the person you chose about the challenge.
Three years later, the same woman approached Feldhahn and said, “You won’t remember me, but I asked you a question three years ago about what to do if you don’t respect or appreciate your spouse. I decided to take you up on the Kindness Challenge and I learned a lot about myself. I had no idea how unkind I was to my husband, and I thought it was all him. As I was kind to him, his defenses lowered. Three years later, we have a great marriage.”
“What I have found based on my research is that when kindness starts to flow, it is really incredible,” says Feldhahn. “It’s actually a real-life superpower. For years, I’ve been studying what makes people thrive. And I’ve seen that whether or not we thrive in relationships is far more related to how we treat others than how we ourselves are treated.”
Feldhahn believes kindness is the answer in any difficult situation.
“This means being kind when you are super-irritated and you really don’t want to be,” Feldhahn shares. “Even in situations where you need boundaries, that is usually the kindest thing you can do. If someone is being abusive, for example, it is not kind to allow that person to continue to destroy their own emotional state by being that way.”
For her book, The Kindness Challenge, Feldhahn surveyed study participants extensively before and after the 30-day period.
After completing the challenge, 89 percent of all relationships had improved, 74 percent felt more love and affection for their romantic partner, and 66 percent felt more love and appreciation by their romantic partner.
“One of the biggest surprises from the research was that most of us already think we are kind,” Feldhahn says. “In fact, most of us are totally delusional. We have no idea how often we are unkind without even realizing it. In the book, we identify seven patterns of unkindness and negativity – and every one of us has at least one of them! We encourage everyone to identify their own pattern of negativity – because in most cases it is a pattern across all relationships, not just that one.”
The Challenge opened participants’ eyes very quickly to that reality, and it showed them that they also weren’t as affirming to the other person as they thought. It also changed their feelings, to appreciate the person more.
As Feldhahn put it, “That only makes sense, right? After all, if you’re irritated with someone, and you tell them that you’re irritated, and you tell someone else that you’re irritated, are you doing to be more or less irritated?”
We all know the answer to that. Just as we know that we’ll simply notice the positive more if we’re looking for it. And while being kind doesn’t take away problems, it often makes them easier to solve.
Feldhahn wants the Challenge to transform relationships.
“It’s really life-changing,” Feldhahn suggests. “It is a training ground to become a truly kind person. You have to designate one person to do the challenge for. But it can be anyone – your spouse, child, friend, in-law, co-worker, anybody.”
Like the woman who didn’t respect or appreciate her spouse, the outcome is a pleasant surprise for many Challenge-takers after 30 days.
If you’d like to try it for yourself, you can find out more at jointhekindnesschallenge.com. The outcome just might surprise you, too.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Adult Children of Divorce Speak Out
In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: 25 Years of Research, Dr. Judith Wallerstein contends that the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Instead, the effects of divorce on children are cumulative. They crescendo in adulthood with the emergence of potentially serious romantic relationships, like when it is time to choose a life mate.
Seventeen years after Wallerstein released her book, Lelia Miller posed a question on social media to adult children of divorce.
She was intrigued by a friend whose parents’ divorce still affected her, even though she is married and has children. So, she asked her Facebook community if anyone would be willing to share about growing up in the shadow of their parents’ divorce.
“Over the course of a few days, more than 100 people said they were willing,” says Miller. “I asked questions such as: What effect has your parents’ divorce had on you, and what is the difference in how you felt about the divorce as a child and how you feel about it as an adult? What do you want to say to people who say children are resilient? What do you want adults in our culture to know about how divorce affects children, and what would you want to say to children?
“Seventy people out of the 100 answered the questions,” Miller says. “Most of them wanted to remain anonymous. The youngest was 22 and the oldest was in her 60s. I was shocked at my ignorance about the complex effects of divorce on children. I never knew that world existed. Their simple yet poignant responses are difficult to read, but not hopeless.”
While Miller does not claim to be a scholar or a researcher, many of the stories in her book, Primal Loss: The Now Adult Children of Divorce Speak, are very similar to what Wallerstein’s research found.
Divorce is a life-transforming experience, even for adults.
After divorce, childhood is different. Adolescence is different. Adulthood – with the decision to marry or not and have children or not – is different.
Miller only identifies the storytellers by number. When reading the book, many contributors read someone else’s story thinking it was their own.
“They were shocked to find out that many others had similar issues and circumstances,” Miller says. “One participant in her 50s shared that her parents divorced when she was 9. She said, ‘I still don’t know who I am supposed to be. I am one way with my mom and her side of the family and another way with my father and his side of the family. How do you maintain that?’
“Another shared about being ‘that girl on the soccer field.’ She always had to think about who she would hug first when she came off the field for fear of making someone angry or upset. She recalled a time when she had to get an X-ray after a game. Only one person could go with her. She almost had a panic attack trying to decide who to ask. Her stepmother was offended when she asked her mother to go.”
After reading the book, one lady asked her 35-year-old male friend how he felt about his parents’ divorce. Stunned, he said nobody had ever asked him how he felt about it.
“That was a common theme for most of the respondents,” Miller asserts. “Many were told ‘it was for the best.’ In fact, one woman recalled jumping up and down in the front yard saying, ‘We’re getting a divorce!’ honestly believing it was something good. I was actually shocked at the number of adults who were scared their parents would learn they had participated in the book. Many of the 70 are still in turmoil even after being in a really good marriage for 20 years.”
Miller does not imply that someone should remain in an abusive situation, nor is she saying that if your parents divorced you’re automatically going to have issues. She knows that many who found themselves divorced did not want it and were doing their best to cope. That doesn’t negate the impact on the children, however.
“So many adults desperately want to believe their child will come through a divorce unscathed,” Miller shares. “Nobody who answered my questions was unscathed. They felt like they had to go along with the narrative or be silent. That was the unnerving part.”
Miller’s work is not a scholarly research piece, but it is an honest representation of personal stories from adult children of divorce. Readers will definitely get a sense of divorce’s impact on kids. These men and women have much to say about their experience after years of reflecting on a question no one ever thought to ask them – until now.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
3 Skills for Managing Conflict in Marriage
Just weeks into their marriage, Sam and Ellen* were caught a bit off guard as their different perspectives about certain things became very real. While they had discussed many of the big potential areas of conflict – money, career, children and how they wanted to deal with their in-laws – the impact of the more “trivial” matters on their marriage surprised them.
For example, things like socks on the floor, how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, how to do household chores, how to spend their downtime and even how to get to a certain location had become frequently intense conversations.
It baffled the couple that these seemingly little things could have such a stranglehold on their marriage. The conflicts were affecting their relationship and neither one of them liked what they were experiencing.
In reality, it is nearly impossible for two people with different upbringings to not have differences in perspective about many things. Truth be told, we are creatures of habit. In most instances, it is far less likely that a spouse intentionally leaves socks on the floor or squeezes the middle of the toothpaste tube just to get on your nerves. It’s far more likely to be what they have always done.
So, how can you manage this stuff and keep these seemingly minor issues from becoming major areas of conflict in your marriage?
Parents teach their kids to stop, look and listen before crossing the street. But believe it or not, this is a really useful skill for managing conflict.
- Stop. Before launching into a lecture or hissy fit, consider these things. Ask yourself if what you are about to say or do will be helpful to your relationship. What is your current state of mind – are you stressed, tired or hungry? These things can impact how intensely you feel about something at any given moment.
- Look. First, look at your spouse and remember you are on the same team, not rivals. Then, examine the situation at hand and ask yourself if this is truly a big deal or really a matter of different preferences. Whether it is folding towels, loading the dishwasher or the current condition of your car’s interior, some things boil down to personal preference. Is pursuing a conversation about these things worth the cost? And, in looking at the big picture of living life together, will you choose to place your focus on these areas?
- Listen. Instead of assuming your spouse couldn’t possibly have a reasonable explanation for why they do something a certain way, seek to understand their perspective before telling them why your way makes the most sense. It could help you avoid a lot of unnecessary drama. Even when you truly believe you are right, is it really necessary to prove it?
Undoubtedly, there are legitimate times for some hard discussions.
Moving past those little irritations, however, will require you to think carefully about how you manage those conflicts. After you have walked through stop, look and listen, think about these things:
- Considering how much time we have together, is this matter worthy of our precious time and energy?
- Why does this particular issue get under my skin?
- Am I willing to sacrifice our relationship for this issue?
Most couples say their relationship is what matters most to them. What tends to trip them up is mistakenly making the minor things the major ones. In many instances, it’s better for your marriage if you agree to disagree and get on with enjoying life together.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
J.J. and Beverly Jerman were dating when they decided to venture into working together as a couple.
“I was working as a nurse in a GI Lab at the time and developed an allergy to cleaning chemicals so I had to find a different job,” says Beverly. “J.J. suggested that I come work with him, which scared me to death. We had been dating 2 ½ years at that point and I sure didn’t want to mess anything up. That was in 2010.”
J.J. and Beverly married in 2011. For the past seven years, they have run Office Furniture Warehouse and have learned many valuable lessons about working together as a couple.
“One thing we would for sure tell couples who are thinking about working together is it’s important to have defined roles and to discover each other’s strengths,” Beverly says.
Both J.J. and Beverly agree they didn’t have clearly defined roles when they started this venture.
“We weren’t clear about the lanes either of us should be running in within the organization,” says J.J. “I knew she was a great people person. I am definitely more focused on the business side of things and not as in tune with how people are thinking or feeling. After a few months of trying to figure things out, we decided Beverly would make a great ambassador for the company working in human relations and I would focus on tasks, goals and strategy. Knowing our lanes helped tremendously.”
The Jermans also learned that if they didn’t determine their priorities and create some boundaries, the business could consume them.
If you are considering starting a business as a couple, the Jermans suggest the following tips for working together:
- Have your priorities straight. For the Jermans, it was faith first, then family, with their business coming in third. They quickly learned that misplaced priorities caused things to not go well at home or at work.
- Make a conscious effort to turn off work at home. “There are times when we are so busy going in different directions, we don’t get to connect until we get home,” Beverly says. “However, we determined that both of us need the freedom to say I don’t feel like talking about anything work-related right now and your spouse won’t hold that over your head.”
- Start your day doing something that sets a positive tone. The Jermans start their day by reading. They read a business book, a spiritual book and a book about some type of self-improvement.
- When you are away from the office, focus on self-care. “We think it is really important to give our brains a rest,” Beverly says. “We hike, bike ride, connect with our kids, care for aging parents and go on weekly date nights. All of this is crucial to us functioning well at work and at home.”
- If you find yourself in trouble at work due to the relationship, ask for help. The Jermans found a coach to help them navigate through uncharted waters. They believe this saved them from a lot of drama both at home and at work.
- Have a sense of humor. Both J.J. and Beverly agree that being able to laugh definitely helps when the going gets tough.
- Have an exit strategy. Going into business together is a huge commitment of time and energy. Having an agreed-upon plan in case change is necessary will help protect your relationship and the business.
The Jermans are among approximately 2 million couples who choose to work together.
The lessons they have learned through the years have helped them grow a very successful business.
“While the business is important, the most important thing is the relationship we have,” Beverly says. “We have learned when to ask for help and have surrounded ourselves with people who believe in us. We are strong, and we enjoy what we have built together.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
The Wholehearted Marriage
Greg Smalley first met his bride-to-be during a rather embarrassing moment. Greg had fallen asleep in class. Erin, who sat behind him, decided to have a little fun. She shook his arm and said, “Stand up.” Greg looked at her with a dazed look. Again she said, “Stand up; the professor asked you to pray. Stand up!”
Greg stood up and proceeded to pray. Then he realized that everybody in the class seemed to be laughing at him. When he finally sat down, the professor said, “Greg, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but could you wait to close us in prayer until I have finished lecturing?” When Greg looked at Erin, her face was red from laughing so hard.
“At that moment I thought to myself, this girl has real potential,” says Dr. Smalley, co-author of The Wholehearted Marriage. “I figured marriage with her would be quite the adventure.”
Erin and Greg have been married since 1992, and the practical jokes continue to this day.
“My motto for our marriage is, ‘expect the unexpected,’ because I never know when Erin is up to something,” Smalley says. “We have had a lot of laughs, but we have also learned some very valuable lessons throughout our marriage. I would have to say that one of the most important things we have learned is that the state of our hearts is foundational for a healthy marriage.”
Smalley contends there are a lot of people who live life with a closed heart. The impact of that on a marriage can be devastating.
When people feel emotionally unsafe in a relationship, they will close their hearts and disconnect. People usually describe them as self-centered, insensitive and mean.
“I believe couples should strive to make their marriage the safest place on earth,” Smalley states. “When people feel safe, they naturally open their hearts and intimacy occurs almost effortlessly. When a spouse feels emotionally safe, he knows he can open up and reveal his true thoughts and feelings and his wife will still love, understand, accept and value him.”
One of the ways to create safety in a wholehearted marriage is to recognize your mate’s value.
“I often ask couples what they value about each other and encourage them to write it down,” Smalley shares. “When you are really angry, you can pull out that list and remind yourself of why you value your mate.”
Another key to creating safety is to understand there will be times when your spouse irritates you somehow.
How you respond can either create or destroy safety in your marriage.
“When couples refuse to discuss sensitive issues until they both have had time to calm down and think about their own contribution and expectations in the particular situation, the outcome is usually much better,” Smalley says. “Most people think along the lines of win/lose. If one person loses, the whole team loses. In safe marriages, the goal is to find a solution where both people feel good about the outcome.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
On the Verge of Divorce?
You started out with such great intentions, but today your marriage is floundering. The emotional pain runs deep, and both of you struggle with a sense of bewilderment. How can your relationship be in such turmoil and on the verge of divorce when it started out so strong?
“I encounter many couples who find themselves in this exact place,” says Pam Johnson, a licensed clinical social worker. “They think that sex, children, money or who took the garbage out last are the issues creating obstacles in their relationship. In reality, 80 to 95 percent of what couples argue about has its origins in the first 12 years of life.”
Research shows that people learn many things about marriage during their early years of life, and they carry these perceptions into adulthood.
Johnson says that every child is born with three questions: Am I lovable? Am I worthy? Do I belong?
“We arrive into adulthood with these questions answered,” Johnson asserts. “Many people have no idea how much these questions, and what they learned about marriage early on, impact their relationship right now.”
Johnson is quick to say that couples who find themselves in what appears to be a hopeless marriage need to slow down and work to gain insight and learn skills through counseling or classes.
“Abuse, addiction, and/or chronic infidelity could make a marriage unviable,” Johnson says. “Short of those dire conditions, there is hope.”
Having unmet needs is one of the most common struggles for couples who are on the verge of divorce.
For example, a husband has played golf five Saturdays in a row while his wife is caring for their children. He walks in the door and she says, “I can’t believe you played golf again today. All you do is play. Some of us have to take care of the children.”
What if, instead of getting defensive, the husband could hear past the blast to the need behind it?
“His wife needs time for herself,” Johnson says. “If the husband can hear the need and help address the need, it becomes a win. It doesn’t mean ‘no golf,’ it means figuring out together a way for his wife to have time away, and for him to get in a round of golf.
“One of the greatest keys to moving your marriage from hopeless to hopeful is learning how to communicate.
This does not mean talking more effectively. It means listening to hear the need being expressed so you can work on meeting the need. When one spouse attacks and the other gets defensive, both alienate the very person who can help change the situation.”
According to Johnson, it’s easy for both husbands and wives to get stuck in “attack and blame” mode. Moving to a healthier place in your marriage has everything to do with your attitude when approaching the issue. When you both feel you’re on the same team, that a sense of fairness exists and you want the best for each other and your marriage, it is very empowering. People don’t walk away from a marriage that’s meeting their needs.
If your marriage is in crisis, there are resources to help you get your marriage back on track. Don’t throw in the towel on a perfectly good marriage. Ask for help.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Holding Out Hope for Marriage
Believe it or not, many couples are just trying to make it through the holidays before filing for divorce. Nothing they have tried is working, so they assume divorce is the answer.
Most people believe it takes two dedicated partners to salvage a troubled marriage. Michele Weiner-Davis, internationally-known relationship expert and author of the best-selling book Divorce Busting, disagrees. If just one partner is willing to change, she believes there is hope for the marriage.
“Many marriages currently headed down the road to divorce can be saved,” says Weiner-Davis. “Even marriages where only one person is really invested in saving the marriage and the other person is out the door, having an affair or emotionally gone, there is hope.
“Research shows that the primary complaints leading to divorce are not physical abuse or addiction, but rather, lack of communication, lack of affection, and nagging. I’ve grown increasingly convinced that most marriages are worth saving simply because most problems are solvable.”
Weiner-Davis explains that many individuals want their spouse to change but don’t realize that changing their own actions can transform the relationship.
“Based on what I have experienced with couples on the verge of divorce, if just one person in the relationship will work on recognizing and changing their behavior, the dynamics surrounding the relationship change and there is a good chance the relationship can work,” she says.
If you want hope for your marriage, Weiner-Davis advises:
- Describe your goal without focusing on what your spouse is doing wrong. When problem-solving efforts fail, stop and reassess the situation. Instead of recognizing that a particular problem-solving method isn’t working, spouses often assume they were unclear and intensify the same strategy. In a heated situation, ask yourself, “What is the goal here?” Then ask, “Will what I am about to do bring me closer to the goal?” If not, change your strategy. For example, instead of talking, try writing it down.
- Identify what works and focus on that. While you may not agree with or be exactly like your spouse, you should understand your spouse’s needs. Give what he/she needs whether you like it or not.
- Celebrate small changes in behavior and attitude.
- Don’t be afraid to seek help. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest for the trees. Choose a marriage-friendly counselor.
- Forgive and try to laugh. Harboring anger leads to bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness and laughter can encourage healing in individuals and couples.
“If things are truly on the brink, one of the most common things people who want to save their marriages do is to beg, plead, cry, argue, threaten – all of which is doomed to fail,” Weiner-Davis says. “The first thing you have to do to increase the odds that your marriage will last beyond New Year’s is to STOP CHASING. Stop debating. Stop begging. Take a deep breath and focus on ways to calm yourself. The more you chase, the more your spouse will withdraw.”
Marriage is not always easy, but don’t lose hope. Many despondent marriages have survived because of one partner’s commitment. It may take a long time, but studies show that the benefits are worth the wait – even if one partner has to work a little harder to save the relationship.
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
Retirement and Marriage
Neal and Pat Smith had a pretty consistent routine for 38 of their 50-plus years of marriage. Mr. Smith went to work and Mrs. Smith took care of the household chores and the children. Twelve years ago, Mr. Smith asked his wife what she thought about him retiring. She told him that was his decision and then promptly sought advice from a friend whose husband had been retired for a number of years.
“She gave me some wise advice,” says Mrs. Smith. “She said that since I was an only child and my husband was an only as well that we needed to give each other plenty of space to do our own thing. I think that has made a huge difference. We are together almost every evening, but during the day we can be in the house together, but not see each other for several hours as we pursue our own interests.”
Even though people say they look forward to the retirement years, experts know that the changes that accompany retirement can wreak havoc on a marriage.
If one person is used to giving orders at work, he/she might inadvertently start giving out orders at home, or if a spouse sees his/her identity as what they do for a living, when that is no longer the case it can be a very challenging time.
“Neal retired the first of January,” Mrs. Smith says. “I think those first two weeks were really hard. I remember one morning when I was headed to the mall, and I asked him if he wanted to go along. He grumbled and got in the car. When we arrived at the mall, we had to wait on some stores to open. There were all these people walking the mall. Neal was still grumpy. I looked at him and said, ‘You are such a grump – look at all these people that are happy.’ To which he replied, ‘I did not retire to walk these d–n malls.’ I realized that while he thought he was ready to retire, maybe he was having some doubts.”
In spite of a bit of a rocky start, the Smiths will tell you that the last 19 years have been a lot of fun.
“If I had the opportunity to talk with couples before they retire, I would definitely tell them that having a plan, not just a financial plan, but a plan for your marriage is very important,” says Mr. Smith. “If you retire and sit at home with no idea what to do or you think that you have to do everything together, odds are nobody is going to be happy. We have taken trips with friends, we both have our separate interests and the things we enjoy doing as a couple.”
Mr. Smith meets every week with a group of retired men. They call themselves ROMEO (Retired Old Men Eating Out). They meet at 8:30 for breakfast, discuss the problems of the world and in their words, solve none of them. Then they finish around 9:30 and go on about their day.
“It took us a little while to get acclimated to retirement,” Mrs. Smith says. “The first week of retirement was traumatic. Sometimes it was the little things that created a bit of tension. Neal had always pulled his car in right behind mine because he was the first one to leave. I told him he would have to find another place to park his car because three mornings a week I left before him. I also said that the last person out of bed had to make the bed. One of the most fun changes is that Neal does most of the cooking now!”
If you are considering retirement, make sure your plan includes how you will deal with this transition in order to keep your marriage on track.
The Smiths made the following suggestions to help couples prepare for this time of transition:
- Make a plan for how you will live within your means. The Smiths talked ahead of time about how retirement would impact their lifestyle. When the time came, they were ready to make the necessary changes.
- Talk about how things will be different. Keeping the lines of communication open is critical during this time of uncertainty.
- Connect with other retired folks. Spending time with people who have already been through the transition can help make your passage to retirement easier.
- Find some hobbies or expand the ones you already have. Mr. Smith is an avid fisherman and loves woodworking and gardening. No matter what time of year it is, he has a project going – whether it is preparing for the next fishing trip or planning his garden.
- Have a sense of humor. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself because crazy things will happen!
“Even though it took us a while to adjust, retirement has been great,” the Smiths say. “It has allowed us time for leisurely visits with our grandchildren without having to worry about rushing back for work. We have made some great friendships and have taken some fun trips. Best of all, we still enjoy each other’s company.”
***If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse. At this link, you can access a private chat with someone who can help you 24/7. If you fear that someone is monitoring your computer or device, call the hotline 24/7 at: 1−800−799−7233. For a clear understanding of what defines an abusive relationship, click here.***
