Brandon and Heather Wilson have been married 10 years. Six of those years were childless which made it pretty easy to find time to nurture their relationship. Then children entered the picture and they have become like two ships passing in the night.
“Sometimes I look at my husband and think, ‘Oh yeah, you’re that other person who lives here,’ said Mrs. Wilson. “The kids take so much of our energy and love sometimes it is hard to have anything left for each other.”
While research does indicate that marital satisfaction decreases when you have children, it doesn’t mean couples should throw in the towel. Many people assume that after children come along the kids should be the main focus of your attention, but studies show that child centered marriages are the ones that are most at risk for distress. Focusing on building a strong marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children….and yourself.
But, anyone who has had children can tell you that is easier said than done.
“While both of us are juggling the kids, work, household duties and taking care of our marriage, we really have to make a conscious effort not to drop the marriage ball,” said Mrs. Wilson. “It's really easy to slip into the habit of saying, ‘yeah, we'll get together later,’ but most of the time, ‘later’ doesn't happen unless we are really intentional.”
Between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. are the "witching hours" at the Wilson home. The kids are really fired up and mom has had her fill of being the only one over 5 years old in the house all day.
“This just happens to be the time my husband comes home from work - poor guy,” said Mrs. Wilson. “There are days when I have to keep my stressed out self from taking out my aggression on him, after all his only crime was going to work during the day to provide for us.”
“If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you'll be a better parent, and you'll, quite simply, have more fun in your life,” said Elizabeth Pantley, mother, author and parenting expert.
Being intentional about taking care of your marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. Ms. Pantley offers some helpful tips that don’t require extra hours in your day or a lot of money.
- Look for the good and overlook the bad. When you are tired and stressed it is easy to focus on the negative. Train your mind to look for the good qualities in your spouse.
- Give two compliments every day. Life often gets so crazy that you might think something like, “She sure looks pretty in that outfit,” or “I really appreciate the ways he engages our children,” but those thoughts never actually come out of your mouth. Think about how you feel when you receive a compliment. They aren’t hard to give and they don’t cost a dime.
- Pick your battles. It is easy to fall into the trap of fighting over silly things that truly will not matter 24 hours from now. Before you gear up for battle, ask yourself if this is really a big deal. In many instances the answer is no.
- Be intentional about spending time with your spouse. It might be early in the morning or in the evening after you have put the children to bed or even better – a date night. This is the hardest part because the tyranny of the urgent typically reigns. Some parents have formed a co-op where they take turns taking care of each other’s children in order to allow for couple time.
While the Wilsons love their children they understand that making time for each other needs to be at the top of the list.
“Don't get me wrong we love to be together as a family and do things with the kids, but the heart of our family is our marriage and it is really important for us not to lose that focus,” said Mrs. Wilson. “After all, this family began with just the two of us and as the kids grow up and start their own families we will be left with just the two of us.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
