Contrary to popular belief, this is not a one-time talk; it should be an ongoing dialogue that begins early in life and continues throughout the teenage years. Discussions should be open and honest, not giving more information than the maturity level of the child can handle, and always being careful to use the correct names for body parts. Preferably, both parents should sit down with the child to discuss this important issue and to answer questions. Parents can help normalize discussion of this topic by offering matter of fact answers and taking advantage of life experiences to highlight what they want their children to learn about this topic.
Children hear about sex in many different places, and much of the information they receive is incorrect. As a parent, you can insure that your child is getting correct information by talking with them. Knowledge is power. Even if you don’t know the answer to a question, that is okay. Suggest that you go find the answer together. It is critical that parents speak honestly with their children. If your child asks you a question about your sex life that you are uncomfortable answering, never tell a lie. You can state that you are not comfortable answering that question or you can use it as an opportunity to honestly share why you care so much about how they conduct themselves sexually.
When talking with elementary age children the focus of your conversations should be: the correct names of sexual organs and body parts, explaining sex and reproduction, personal boundaries, pregnancy and building healthy relationships. If they are old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to receive correct answers. Make sure you clarify your child’s question. When you understand the question, answer it briefly and simply. If they want to know more, they will ask additional questions. You might want to practice talking in private with your spouse or another adult.
Middle school students need to talk about sexually transmitted diseases, emotions, the consequences of sexual relationships and the benefits of abstinence. Parents, as embarrassing as it may be, it is imperative that you talk with your teen about all aspects of sex including oral sex. This is also a good time to begin talking about why people date and what healthy dating relationships look like.
Discussions with high school students should continue to be about sexually transmitted diseases, healthy dating relationships, wise decision making when it comes to sex, setting a standard and living by it, and self-discipline in addition to everything listed above.
Food for Thought
There are some parents who substitute talking with their child about sex with a visit to the doctor when she turns 14 to put her on birth control. Parents have shared with me their fear of their child becoming pregnant and believe that the best protection against it is to automatically put their child on birth control.
Ron Johnson, founder of the National Family Life Education Center, spent his life working with young people and had this to say about parental expectations.
“We have to teach our children self-discipline. They are not animals and they need to understand that they have the ability to think, reason and make intelligent decisions. Many parents may as well hang a banner that says ‘We don’t think you can do it’ so we are going to put a stopgap in place. This is a dangerous message to send our teens if we ultimately want them to learn how to be responsible and accountable for their behavior. If we can teach boys how to control their sex drive, which is their second strongest drive, we can teach them to accomplish anything they set out to do in life.”
A summary of findings from two national representative surveys of teenagers conducted by International Communications Research found that 93 percent of teens surveyed said that it is important for teens to be given a strong message from society that they should abstain from sex until they are at least out of high school. The vast majority of teens surveyed (87 percent) do not think it is embarrassing for teens to admit they are virgins. More than one-third (36 percent) of teens say they have not had even a single helpful conversation with their parents about sex.
