First time parents often find themselves in the position of being highly motivated to do a good job bringing up their child. Since their child does not come with an “owners manual” they rely on friends, family and their own ideas about what is appropriate and what they should expect from their child.

    “As first-time parents, we read everything we could get our hands on to prepare for parenting our baby,” said Robin Grant.  “When Brody arrived, we realized that the resources were helpful, but there was no cookie cutter approach to raising our child.”

Dr. Kevin Leman, author of First-Time Mom contends that many first timers who are trying to be great parents push their first born far too hard.  The tendency is to approach parenting from an adult perspective to try and raise the perfect child.  Unfortunately, the child often gets buried underneath those high expectations.

    “Your first born child is already going to be highly motivated,” said Dr. Leman.  “Instead of using conditional love and asking them to continually jump through new hoops, choose to be a nurturing, encouraging presence.”

 Dr. Leman identifies 10 traps first time parents often fall into:

• A critical eye
  
  • Be aware of your standard of behavior.  When is the last time you had a perfect day?  Children are the same way.  Training takes time and the standard is not perfection.  Accept your child as he is and recognize that he is not going to excel at everything.
• Overcommitment
  
  • Children want to be a part of a family and they want to identify with their home.  When you choose to live an over-committed life, you are training your child to identify her heart with what is outside the home. "This is a good lesson for us,” said Mrs. Grant.  “Our lifestyle has always been on the go.  The centering and grounding of being at home is something we have really had to work on.”

• Not enough Vitamin N
  
  • First-time parents often fall into the trap of thinking that they can make their child happier and better adjusted by what they give to their child and the experiences they provide for their child.  Vitamin N stands for No!  Too often giving our child things becomes a substitute for being their parents. 
• Lack of Vitamin E
  
  • One of the biggest myths today is the concern over self-esteem.  Instead of telling your child how wonderful she is just for being a child, you want to teach your child to think in a constructive, positive manner.  Esteem comes from accomplishing something and from giving something back.  If a child learns how to do something and her parents comment about what a great job she did she recognizes that the most significant people in my life – my mom and dad notice what I’ve done and what I’ve accomplished and recognize that I have a role to play.
• Getting caught up in the competition game
  
  • Human development is not a race.  Early development does not guarantee that a child will be above average her entire life.  Instead of comparing your child, enjoy him. “We made an intentional decision not to compare Brody to our friend’s children,” said Mrs. Grant.  “He’s going to do his thing when he is ready, it makes no sense for us to push him.”

• Getting overexcited
  
  •  As a first-time parent, you will go through many trials and anxieties for the first time.  Babies do best with calm, confident parents.  It gives them a sense of security, serenity and peace.  Your baby will take his cues from you.  Don’t treat minor instances like they are life and death occurrences. 
• Over-discipline
  
  •  As a first-time parent you may not be as familiar with age-appropriate behavior.  As a result, you’re more likely to over-discipline your child.  Your goal is not to control your child; your goal is to be in authority in a healthy way.  One mother told how her nine-month-old walked up to the couch and grabbed some decorative pillows.  The mom said she told her daughter not to throw them on the floor.  The child looked her straight in the eyes and threw them on the floor.  Instead of recognizing this as age appropriate behavior, the mother viewed it as intentionally defiant behavior on the part of her child.
• Under-disciplinary
  
  • The flip side of over-discipline is letting your child do whatever they want without any consequences.  With first-borns in particular, you need to lay out exactly what the age-appropriate rules are and follow up.  Since first borns don’t have an older sibling to model behavior, you have to be specific about what you want them to do.
• Letting other people raise your child 
  • It is too easy to give into your parents or in-laws advice.  As a first time parent it may take you awhile to assume your role as a full-fledged adult.  You are the parent.  No one knows your child better than you.  Be responsible for the decisions you make in raising your child. 
• Allowing your child to be the center of the universe
  
  • Up until age two a child’s favorite word is “mine,” which is totally appropriate.  Past this age, children need to be taught how to share and interact with a variety of other children.  Teach your child to be aware of other people and not just selfishly barge ahead. 

     “Taking all of these potential traps into consideration is good for any first-time parent,” said Mrs. Grant.  “Before your child gets here, you tend to focus on the future, but when the baby arrives you realize the best thing you can do for you and your child is take it one day at a time.”

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