Where did I come from?  What are the birds and the bees?  What is sex?  

Sooner or later, if you are a parent, you will have at least one of these questions or a similar one posed to you by your child.    The mere thought of that makes some parents turn red in the face and get sick to their stomach and sends others over the edge.  

Isn’t it interesting that we don’t hesitate to talk to our children about looking both ways before they cross the street and the dangers of playing with fire, but the thought of talking to them about sex – something equally as dangerous – send shivers up the spine?  Why?

Many parents have concerns about talking with their children about sex. They fear the discussion will promote sex instead of discourage it or that the child might ask them about their sex life as a teen.  Others are concerned about the questions that might be asked that they can’t answer and some say that it is just too darn embarrassing.

These are legitimate concerns; however, there is no evidence to suggest that talking about sex encourages the act. 

Consider the Facts:

• By their 18th birthday, 6 in 10 teenage women and nearly 7 in 10 teenage men have had sexual intercourse. Alan Guttmacher Institute
• 18 percent said they had had four or more sexual partners. Centers for Disease Control  
• 38 percent said they had had sexual intercourse in the past three months. Centers for Disease Control
• 9 percent of U.S. teens said they had had sexual intercourse for the first time before age 13. Centers for Disease Control 
• Each year roughly 4 million new sexually transmitted disease infections occur among teenagers in the U.S. Alan Guttmacher Institute 

The Information Highway 

If children aren’t learning about sex from their parents, where do they turn to find out the answers?  When Barna Research group posed the question, “Who should be responsible for teaching young people about sex?” respondents overwhelmingly said that parents should be the ones to teach their children about sex.  What many parents may be surprised to learn is that numerous surveys of teens and young adults indicate that television is one of their top sources for information and ideas about sex, usually followed by schools, parents and peers.

Today’s children are hearing about sex much earlier and are exposed to sexuality at virtually every turn in our society.  Recent research has shown that by the time a child turns 18 he/she has witnessed 250,000 sexual acts on television.  Interestingly, more than 75 percent of the videos on MTV show some sort of sexual act in which the woman is a sexual object.

Can Parents Really Make a Difference?

Studies show that parents can have the most dramatic impact on their children’s behavior if they clearly define what they expect their children to do and not do within the context of close family connectedness.  According to the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, parents’ disapproval of their teen being sexually active and using contraception are significant factors that influence the delay of sexual activity in teenagers.

October is Let’s Talk month.  It is a nationally celebrated month where parents are encouraged to begin an on-going discussion with their children about sex.  This is a chance to honor parents as the first and best educators of their children in all matters, especially about human sexuality, growth and development, and healthy attitudes and values about relationships.  Although young people tend to act embarrassed, research has shown that teens do want accurate information and they prefer getting the information from their parents.     

New information released by The University of Minnesota and The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health found that teenagers are less likely to start having sex when their mothers are involved in their lives, have a close relationship with them and successfully communicate their values on sex to them.  The research also showed that parents can do many things that make a difference in whether their teens start having sex.  For example, teens are less likely to become sexually active if their parents know their friends and speak with their friends’ parents.  Most importantly, teens, and especially younger teens, who feel close to their mothers are less likely to start having sex.  Other findings from Add Health research have shown that teens whose parents value education are less likely to have sex.

The best time to start talking with children about sex is when they are young.  Look for teachable moments such as a pregnant woman or a friend of your child that has recently had a new brother or sister as a natural way to begin this discussion.  

A Real Teachable Moment

One evening I was giving my daughter a bath when she shared with me that she had a boyfriend.  Keep in mind she was eight.  I told her she was too young to have a boyfriend and she should have lots of boys as friends.  She replied, “I know, but when I turn 14 I will be old enough to date.”  I thought to myself, no, I don’t think so, but I was interested in where this was going so I let her continue by asking her what you do on a date.  Without hesitation she said, “You have sex.”  Imagine my surprise, but what a great opportunity to talk with her about sex and the purpose of dating and that in our household dating and sex do not go together.  I wanted to encourage her to be abstinent until marriage.