There was a little boy who went to school with great expectations about what it would be like. He loved to draw so when it was time for art he was ecstatic. He drew trees in many different colors and loved what he had created. When the teacher saw his drawing, she said, “Don’t you know, leaves are green, bark is brown and apples are red.” The little boy walked away wondering what was wrong with the picture he had drawn.

Unfortunately, while the teacher may have had good intentions, according to child experts, this is not helpful. Many parenting experts believe that if parents want their children to grow up being confident in who they are and what they are capable of achieving, they need to let the child draw without critiquing his work.

“If parents are seeking to raise people who don’t have to look to others to determine how they feel or what they think, it is critical that nurture their children’s innate ability to trust themselves,” said Dr. Naomi Aldort, Parent and Family Counselor and author of Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent child relationships from reaction and struggle toFreedom,Power and Joy. “When we teach children they can’t trust what they feel or think, they will grow up dependent and insecure.”

For example, when a child says “I am sleepy” and the parents responds, “No you aren’t, you just got up,” or the child says “I don’t want to play soccer,” and the parent says, “Yes, you do it is good for you,” this is teaching children they can’t rely on their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. They have to look to their mother, father or someone else to confirm that what they are thinking or feeling is correct or for affirmation and approval.

“The truth is, parents know their children better than anyone else, yet in many instances they are willing to sacrifice what is best for the child is order to please their own parent or to look good in front of their peers,” said Dr. Aldort. “Many of the parents who come for my advice are seeking ways to free themselves from seeking their parents’ approval. When we talk about situations with their children, 70 percent of parents will ask things like, ‘what will my mother think?’ or ‘what will my mother-in-law say?’ Instead of following through with a loving and kind response to their child, they try to live up to expectations of others.”

In one instance, an aunt visiting her niece and her child decided to take potty training upon herself. She told the children that if he would use the potty, she would take him to the Zoo and other wonderful places. Because the niece wanted the approval of her aunt, instead of supporting her child in his self-knowing, the mother looked at her sond and said, “Well, I think you could try it.” The little boy burst out crying saying, “You are my Mom, not hers?!” The mother then realized her error and resolved the situation respecting him.

If you want to raise children to be confident, strong and secure in who they are as a person, Dr. Aldort suggests the following:

• Love unconditionally
  
  •  Give hugs and kisses anytime especially when they lose control and behave in inconsiderate ways. We all are sometimes out of control. You want your child to know that your love cannot be lost.
• Self expression
  • Allow for emotional self expression. It is important to understand that a feeling if it is stopped doesn’t go away, only the expression of it is stopped. The feeling that is not expressed hurts inside. Holding in feelings is like an emotional constipation. Holding in negative feelings is the root cause of aggression, tantrums, ticks, sleep problems and many other difficulties. 
• Children need to feel emotionally safe in order to fully express themselves
  • Parents should validate their children’s feelings. Dr. Aldort’s son is a twelve-year-old, accomplished musician. He often plays on stage in front of huge crowds. Sometimes, right before he goes on stage, he will ask his mother, “What if I play badly?” Her response to him is, “Who cares, I love you just the same.” Or she will ask him, “Can you play badly?” to which he responds, “No.” Her job as a parent is to remind him who he is and what he is passionate about, and to help him feel emotionally safe to let any disturbing feeling out of his system.
• Honor your child’s autonomy and dignity.
  
  • When you honor the child’s freedom to feel, to express, to choose a direction, you heal your own wounds and regain your freedom from needing approval. It allows you to let go of the burden to please others. It is important for parents to understand that they take power out of their children’s hand by taking their agenda out of their hands. I often see teenagers who are so full of rage because their parents have set the agenda for their lives. They see themselves as living through the expectations of adults who are still trying to please their own parents. Children need the freedom to question, make choices, to fail and to succeed.

“I love this quote from Mary Haskell so much I put it in the front page of my book,” said Dr. Aldort. “I think it sums up what I am trying to say. ‘Nothing you become will disappoint me. I have no preconception that I would like to see you be or do. I have no desire to foresee you, only to discover you. You cannot disappoint me.’ Celebrate your children’s uniqueness and love who they are and who you are.”