“Our culture has entered a time where kids are over scheduled and families are under connected,” said Dr. William Doherty, who recently led a seminar in Chattanooga for parents and professionals. “There are so many factors involved in this equation, no one entity is to blame. All of us as community citizens must do our part if we are going to stop the cycle of disconnection in families. Parents have a particularly vital leadership role in keeping families connected.”

According to Doherty, there are many well-meaning parents who want to provide the best for their children, but may be confused about how to ultimately reach that goal.

“It is not uncommon for parents to say they find it difficult to say no, set limits, show and demand respect, and keep the lines of communication open,” he said. “We have experienced a generational shift from authoritarian parents to parents who do not want their children to be unhappy. They have come to the conclusion that it is more important for their children to like them than to deal with the aftermath of setting limits - the idea of children being mad at their parents and punishing them for not doing what they want is scary. As a result, we are raising children who feel entitled, have difficulty with limits, making choices, and showing respect.”

There are ways for parents to cultivate a healthy relationship with their children that is loving and firm. Doherty suggests that if parents will focus on the following areas, the outcome will be a family where children not only like their parents, but respect them for creating an environment where everyone knows what is expected and it is safe to grow, make mistakes, learn, and share feelings appropriately.

Parents need to work together as a team. If one parent is the enforcer and the other parent is neutral it undermines the discipline process and does not serve the best interest of the child.
Set limits – When parents do not set limits with their children because they are afraid their children will not like them, it sets into motion a situation where parents become powerless with their children. Firm limits give children a sense of
boundaries.

Respond immediately to inappropriate behavior – Well meaning parents who want to keep the channels of communication open often will not respond vigorously to situations because they do not want their children to be angry with them. When a child - no matter what their age- is in an emotionally flooded state they don’t respond to calm words. With a firm voice, label the inappropriate behavior and give clear instructions as to what you expect them to do.

Show and expect respect – Many children give orders to their parents - “Take me to the mall.” “Buy me that.” “Make me dinner, I’m hungry.” – only to have the parents respond as if they are the maid. How you respond sets the stage for future experiences. Parents need to model what respect looks like and expect their children to follow suit. A clear message must be sent that disrespect will not be tolerated in this family.

Help your children understand the difference between disrespect and appropriately expressing anger. Children who are allowed to ventilate anger inappropriately are taught that this behavior toward others is acceptable.

Stop trying to convince your children of the validity of your decisions – There will be decisions that you make as a parent that your children will not like. That is okay.

There are times when parents must make it clear that some decisions are not open for debate. It is not necessary for children to like the decision that has been made by the parent; however, the family can discuss the child’s feelings with the understanding that the decision will not change.

Helping children grow into responsible young people can be challenging. Consistency and persistence are key components to meeting the challenge. Understand that there will be times that children don’t like parents or parental decisions, but that the more important thing is teaching young people the value of respect for self and respect for others in today’s society.