When it comes to raising children there are many parents who want to foster self-esteem and strong self-confidence in their children, so much so that they make sure their children always win.
For example, the sports team where everybody makes the team and gets a trophy, tryouts for the spring play where everyone gets a part or games where the parents don’t keep score so nobody’s feelings get hurt.
Do these experiences foster healthy self-esteem and self-confidence or do they encourage a false sense of reality that you can do anything if you just set your mind to it?
Many experts say that we have raised a generation of young people who have been told they are brilliant, special and can do anything and they believe it. The problem is many parents left out some very important information to help these young people achieve success, specifically, that it takes effort, perseverance and taking advantage of resources to ultimately be successful. Just because you have ability doesn’t mean you don’t have to work in order to achieve success.
In her research-based book (data from 1.3 million young Americans), Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled -- And More Miserable Than Ever Before, Dr. Jean Twenge finds that many young people today are going through life with great expectations simply assuming they should feel good about themselves and they deserve to follow their dreams.
“We live in a time when high self-esteem is encouraged from childhood, when young people have more freedom and independence than ever, but also far more depression, anxiety, cynicism, and loneliness,” said Dr. Twenge. “Today's young people have been raised to aim for the stars when it is more difficult than ever to get into college, find a good job, and afford a house. Their expectations are very high as the world is becoming more competitive, so there's a huge clash between expectations and reality. The idea that everybody wins or gets what they want does not resemble real life in the least.”
Maybe we need a reality check when it comes to what parents are really trying to accomplish. Research indicates that young people are becoming frustrated because the world is not revolving around them as they have been taught.
“I think parents in this country have a theory about what motivates children and makes them strong,” said Dr. Carol Dweck, psychology professor at Stanford. “Parents praise their children for their intelligence and talent and they don’t give them things that are too hard for them. This theory is so wrong. When you praise their intelligence they become fragile because they believe their self worth is based on their intelligence. When they hit difficulty their confidence evaporates and performance goes down the drain.”
Sadly, research shows that even when parents see their children becoming fragile they increase the praise.
“I receive letters from disappointed adults who have not found success because they were waiting for it to find them,” said Dr. Dweck. “If parents really want to help, they must teach young people how to learn. I encourage parents to challenge their children and to praise them for their efforts, their perseverance and for the strategies they employed to deal with the challenge. This is truly what young people value. We have to teach them to enjoy hard work and mistakes. I don’t know anybody who is successful who isn’t working hard.”
Music teacher, Delores Berry Norwood, sees examples of these concepts play out with many of her students.
“Through the years the students who do well are those who don’t simply rely on raw talent,” said Ms. Berry Norwood. “You can have raw talent, but if you don’t work hard to learn how to use your talent, for most people all you have is something that is rough and unpolished. Success in the arts takes a combination of talent, passion and hard work, sacrifice, focus and dedication.”
Drs. Twenge and Dweck make these suggestions to help children achieve success in the real world:
· Don’t puff your children up with false praise. Building self-esteem without a solid
foundation is empty and children feel it.
· Help your children learn to delay gratification. In an experiment, children were given
one marshmallow. They were told they could eat the marshmallow or they could wait for the leader to come back from running an errand and they would get to eat two marshmallows. The researchers followed the children through school and found that those who were able to wait did better in school. With a toddler it is about the marshmallow, for a 16-year-old it is the $50,000 car they want for their birthday.
The goal of a parent is not to just make your child feel good. More importantly, it is teaching your child how to do something well. Then you will truly be preparing your child for success in life.
