“Though many parents know some things are not in the best interest of their children, many struggle with the idea of setting limits and telling their children no,” said Dr. Deborah Poteet-Johnson, Director of Adolescent Health at Erlanger Hospital.

“ I have seen teens run circles around their parents after being told they can’t do something. The typical response from the teen is, ‘Why not, you did it?’ at which point the parents sink back in their chair as if they have nothing left to stand on.”
Many parents find themselves in the awkward position of wanting to tell their children they should not do certain things like drink, take drugs, have sex before marriage, etc., but think it is hypocritical if they did these things as teens.

“Parents who may have experimented with drugs and alcohol and sex as teens sometimes view this as a rite of passage for young people and if they tell their children that it is wrong, they feel guilty like they are condemning themselves,” said Dr. Johnson. “Many of them (parents) are not ready to face these issues. They look at themselves and what they have accomplished and think ‘I did all those things and turned out pretty good, what is the big deal?’ Their silence on these issues often puts children in the position of assuming that if their parents don’t tell them not to (do something) it must be okay.”

“Parents need to be honest with their teens,” said Dr. Poteet-Johnson. “They can see right through their parents’ efforts to hide the truth. Parents need to deal with the guilt and embarrassment of their past experiences and move on in order to help teens make wise choices.”

Dr. Poteet-Johnson suggests the following to parents who are struggling with this issue:
• Recognize that times have changed. The consequences of your children
participating in some of these behaviors may be significantly more devastating than when you were growing up.
• Admit that you participated in certain behaviors - Acknowledge that what you did
was unhealthy and brought unnecessary issues into your life before you were really prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions. This does not require you to go into great detail.
• Tell them the consequences you faced as a result of making certain decisions.
You want them to learn from your mistakes. Be candid and up front that the preferred method of learning is to learn from other people’s mistakes because you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
• Give your children accurate information about all of these issues and encourage
open and honest discussion frequently.
• Listen to your teen and applaud the wise decisions they make.

“In their efforts to parent differently than they were parented, many parents think they should be their child’s friend, but teens say they would rather you be a parent than a friend,” said Dr. Poteet-Johnson. “Children cannot afford for parents to be paralyzed by the guilt of their past. What they need are parents who are willing to take responsibility for their mistakes and still hold up the highest expectations for their children’s behavior. By being honest and setting expectations, you are teaching your children much more than a system of do’s and don’ts. You are helping them grow in areas like critical thinking, problem solving, and making good choices which are all essential components of healthy adulthood.”