When is the last time you had an argument in front of the children? Did you “take it outside” to finish the discussion or did your children see the whole scene?
In a recent three-year study of more than 300 families, researchers at Cardiff University showed children films of adults arguing in differing ways. The study found that even though parents may be arguing over something that has nothing to do with the children, if they fight in the wrong way it threatens the emotional stability of the children.
“There is real benefit when children see their parents argue in an appropriate manner,” said Dr. Don Gordon, Founder of Parenting Wisely. “If a child never sees conflict dealt with in a healthy manner, where does he/she learn how to deal with these types of situations? I encourage parents to think ahead about what they want their children to learn about dealing with conflict so they can model those qualities when they argue. Specific ground rules need to be in place such as: treating each other with respect, no hitting, pushing or shoving, no character assaults, no door slamming and agreement about topics that are not up for debate in front of the children.”
According to the Cardiff study, it is these ground rules that seem to impact children the most, not the number of fights. In other words, whether the fighting affects the children depends on how nasty it gets and whether the parents make up. Arguments that are dealt with calmly and effectively and show clear messages of negotiation and resolution have positive implications for children.
Dr. Gordon makes these suggestions for parents:
- Be respectful.
- Listen to the other person’s point of view and show them that you have heard what they said through active listening.
- State your point of view with an “I” statement. “I am frustrated because…”
- Work together to explore different options for resolving the argument.
- Look for ways to compromise.
- Let your children see you resolve the conflict.
- Kiss and make up when the argument is over.
- Tell your children that disagreements are not necessarily bad. It is how we handle them that makes the difference.
“Conflict is a part of life,” said Dr. Gordon. “If you want your children to fight the good fight, make sure you are teaching them the correct techniques.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
