“The truth is, marriage is hard work,” said Ms. Weiner Davis. “Long-term marriage isn't for sissies. There are times you think about giving up rather than giving in. Not all arguments have happy endings. Marriage experts may have an advantage because of their knowledge, but emotions often make knowledge irrelevant. Creating a lasting marriage is a humbling experience. It is part skill, part luck, elbow grease and blind determination. It isn't always pretty.”
As a long-time observer of relationships, Ms. Weiner Davis can tell you that marriages go through developmental stages and predictable crises. But because people are unfamiliar with the normal hills and valleys of marriage, these predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses.
There are five predictable stages that most marriages experience. During the first stage, passion prevails. You are head over heals in love with your mate. This is when you finish each other’s sentences and when annoying things pop-up, they are usually overlooked. At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other as intense as during this period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality. While in this state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of your lives together.
At some point your joy gives way to an earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn't at all what you expected it to be hence the beginning of stage two. This stage tends to be the most difficult because this is when couples experience the greatest fall. Reality sets in. Little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, forgets to pay the bills, and the list goes on. You're confused. You argue about everything. When you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the real meaning of eternity.
“Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions,” said Ms. Weiner Davis. “Whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, dealing with in-laws, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would come in handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to get their partners to change.”
In the third stage of marriage, most people believe there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse's way and your way, also known as the Right Way. Couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. Every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper.
“This is the stage where you couples are convinced they've tried everything and where some even give up,” said Ms. Weiner Davis. “They tell themselves they've fallen out of love or married the wrong person and they divorce. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. But there are still others who decide that it's time to begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. The latter option requires a major leap of faith. Those who take it are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.”
In stage four, couples come to terms with the fact that they are never going to see eye-to-eye about everything and they have to figure out how to live more peaceably. They look to others for suggestions; religious counsel, close friends and family, marriage seminars, self-help books, or marital therapy. Couples more readily forgive hardheadedness, and recognize that neither party is exactly easy to live with. When disagreements occur, they make more of an effort to put themselves in each other’s shoes. They recognize they have to accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they're not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of marriage.
Finally, you reach the fifth stage.
“Tragically, half of all couples who wed never get to this stage,” said Ms. Weiner Davis. “Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. You start "liking" your spouse again. You have a shared history. While you'd both agree that marriage hasn't been easy, you feel proud that you've weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner's sense of commitment to making your marriage last. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don't appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. If you have children, they're older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. You realize you have come full circle.”
