In Dr. Judith Wallerstein’s latest book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, she tells about the effects of divorce on children based on 25 years of research. For years experts have suggested that if parents are unhappy it would be in the best interest of the children for the parents to divorce and get on with their lives.
Now, 25 years later, Dr. Wallerstein is telling the world that even though parents may divorce and find happiness, the effects of divorce on children last much longer than anyone thought.
“Divorce is a life-transforming experience,” says Wallerstein. “After divorce, childhood is different. Adolescence is different. Adulthood – with the decision to marry or not and have children or not- is different.”
One child said, “When my parents divorced my childhood ended.”
According to Wallerstein, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. It occurs in adulthood with the emergence of potentially serious romantic relationships. Wallerstein contends that the effects of divorce on children is cumulative and crescendos in adulthood when it is time to choose a life mate. Many of the adults Wallerstein interviewed stated that they were afraid of making the same mistake their parents made, or that they didn’t know what to look for in a mate.
“I’m afraid to use the word love, you can hope for it, but you can’t expect it,” said one young adult. Wallerstein says that children of divorce often don’t know where to start when it comes to looking for a life mate. Despair leads children of divorce to look for love in strange places. They will do anything to avoid loneliness."
Wallerstein says that the reason these young people do not know how to manage relationships is because the stage is bare of usable images as to what healthy marriage looks like.
Twenty-four percent of adults who had been divorced in Hamilton County said their parents had divorced, according to the Hamilton County Marriage Report commissioned by First Things First. In the same report, more than 44 percent of young adults age 18-24 say they have parents who are divorced.
Dr. Wallerstein believes that there are ways to combat the effects of divorce on children beginning with efforts to strengthen marriage.
“We need to fully understand the nature of contemporary man-woman relationships,” says Wallerstein. “We need to appreciate the difficulties modern couples confront in balancing work and family, separateness and togetherness, conflict and cooperation.”
Many companies give lip service to being family friendly, but when it comes down to it employees are often penalized for trying to balance work and family needs.
Wallerstein suggests that young people delay marriage or commitment until they have learned more about themselves and what they want in a partner.
“A good relationship cannot be created if you’re expecting to fail,” she said.
According to Wallerstein, children of divorce are eager to rewrite history, not to repeat it. As a society, we can help these children by teaching them healthy relationship skills and working at keeping our own marriages strong.
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
