One afternoon Frank Abagnale was pulled out of his 10th grade classroom by his headmaster and taken to the courthouse where he was told his parents would be waiting for him. He was directed into a very large courtroom where he saw his parents standing in front of the judge. When Frank walked to the front of the courtroom, the judge, without looking up, told him his parents were getting a divorce and he needed to state whether he wanted to live with his mother or father. Frank started crying. Embarrased, he ran out of the courtroom. He did not see his parents again for 7 years. This experience catapulted him into a life of deception at the young age of 16. He posed as a PanAm pilot, a physician and an attorney, not to mention passing in excess of $4 million in bad checks and spending time in prison.

In her book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Dr. Judith Wallerstein states, “Divorce is a life-transforming experience. For children, divorce is a watershed that permanently alters their lives. The world is newly perceived as a far less reliable, more dangerous place because the closest relationships in their lives can no longer be expected to hold firm.”

For years experts have suggested that if parents are unhappy it would be in the best interest of the children for the parents to divorce and get on with their lives.

Now, more than 25 years later, Dr. Wallerstein is telling the world that even though parents may divorce and find happiness, the effects of divorce on children last much longer than anyone thought.

Some people, like Frank, run away, others are fearful of ever having a healthy long lasting relationship and some go on with life looking as if everything is okay while on the inside they deal with the devastation of the divorce on a daily basis.
Of the thousands of children that Dr. Wallerstein and her colleagues interviewed, most of whom were from moderately unhappy marriages that ended in divorce, one message is clear, the children do not say they are happier. They flatly say, “The day my parents divorced is the day my childhood ended.”

When Frank found out his parents were getting a divorce he was shocked. He had no idea the marriage was in trouble. Dr. Wallerstein and her colleagues have found this to be the case more often than not with children of divorce. Most of them are totally unaware that their parent’s marriage is in crisis.

According to Dr. Wallerstein, people assume that the child of divorce experiences one huge loss of the intact family and a second loss when a happier marriage comes along, but the truth is children of divorce often experience numerous losses as parents search for new lovers. National studies show that the more transitions there are from one relationship to another, the more the child is harmed because the impact of the repeated loss is cumulative.

Perhaps your marriage isn’t everything you imagined it was going to be. Maybe you are even considering divorce. If you had children, Dr. Wallerstein advises that you seriously consider staying together for the sake of your children. Many of the people she has interviewed stated that their marriage was not so explosive or chaotic or unsafe that the husband and wife felt living together was intolerable.

Instead of resigning yourselves to the idea that you are stuck in a miserable marriage, consider counseling from a marriage friendly counselor or taking a class to learn skills that can help you make your marriage better. Plenty of couples have been where you are and have figured out how to get their relationship back on track for the sake of the children as well as themselves.