On a recent visit to Chattanooga, Weiner-Davis spent the day with local clinicians talking with them about why so many marriages are ending in divorce and how they can help couples stay together.
“Ninety percent of the marriages that are headed down the road to divorce can be saved,” said Weiner-Davis. “Even marriages where only one person is really interested in saving the marriage and the other person is out the door, having an affair or emotionally gone, there is hope.”
“Research shows that the primary complaints leading to divorce are not physical abuse or addiction, but rather, lack of communication, lack of affection, and nagging,” said Weiner-Davis. “I’ve grown increasingly convinced that most marriages are worth saving simply because most problems are solvable.”
Weiner-Davis explains that many individuals focus on how their spouse needs to change and don’t realize that by changing their own actions, they can change the relationship.
“Based on what I have experienced with couples on the verge of divorce, if just one person in the relationship will work on recognizing and changing their behavior the dynamics surrounding the relationship change and there is a good chance the relationship can work,” she said.
Weiner-Davis offers this advice:
- Describe what you want to accomplish rather than what your spouse is doing wrong.
- When problem-solving efforts don’t work stop and reassess the situation. In many cases, instead of recognizing that a particular method of problem solving isn’t working, spouses will assume that they did not get their message across and employ the same strategy with more intensity. Next time you are in the heat of the moment ask yourself, “What is the goal here?” Then ask yourself, “Will what I am about to do bring me closer to the goal?” If not, stop and do something different. For example, instead of delivering the message verbally, try writing it down.
- Identify what works and focus on that.
- Recognize that you don’t have to agree with or be exactly like your spouse BUT you do need to understand what your spouse needs. Real giving is when you give that which your spouse needs whether you like it or not.
- Celebrate the little changes in behavior and attitude.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. In many cases it is difficult to see the forest for the trees. Make sure you choose a counselor that will help you keep the marriage together.
- Forgive. Harboring anger leads to bitterness and resentment. Forgiving your spouse can lead to internal healing as well as healing in your relationship.
