Would they tell about two people trying to make their marriage work in the midst of parenting challenges, spontaneous adventures, unexpected job loss, laughter over the children, moments of conflict and comforting hugs while making up? Would we hear the adventures of children learning about the real world, their innocent laughter, the spilled milk, the rolling of eyes when asked to help out with chores, the times they broke curfew just to see if you were really paying attention, “I’m going to tell!” or slamming doors?
The reality is, most walls have seen all the above and more. Unfortunately, while we all know that it is practically impossible to bring individuals with different personalities, likes and dislikes together and have no conflict, we have a hard time admitting the struggles that go on behind closed doors at home for any number of reasons. People worry about what their friends will think of them. Will they be considered “bad” parents? Will they lose their status in the community? The bottom line is everyone, even the strongest marriages and families, struggle at one time or another.
As a result of feeling like they can’t share about the things going on at home, couples and parents often end up feeling isolated and alone.
For example, Kris Nash, mother of two, ages 22 months and 4, was totally frustrated because she was spending the last two hours of her evening trying to get her girls to sleep. While Ms. Nash was rocking her youngest to sleep, her oldest would yell from the bedroom, “I love you mommy.” Ms. Nash would respond, “ I love you too,” and of course, Anna had to respond with something else. Frazzled by the whole situation, she had reached the end of her rope, but didn’t know how to fix the problem.
Experts know that there is actually great value in parents and couples sharing information. Groups of parents or couples exchanging information in a safe, encouraging environment allows people to connect with others who have had similar experiences and opens the door for people to find out they aren’t the only ones who struggle with issues.
A couple of weeks ago, Ms. Nash and her husband went on a date. When they arrived home at 9:30 p.m. the house was completely dark. Ms Nash looked at her husband and said, “There’s no way she has them in bed?!”
When they walked through the door, Anna was laying quietly on the couch and Caroline was in bed asleep. Wondering what had taken place, Ms. Nash asked their friend what she had done. The experienced grandmother said,
“I took Caroline to her bed, covered her up and told her it was time to go to sleep.”
The next night, with renewed confidence, Ms. Nash tried this different tactic and to her surprise, it worked. What had started out as something they would do “just this one time” ended up becoming a nightly occurrence. They were in a rut and didn’t know how to get out of it. A simple suggestion from a friend helped them break free.
Wonder what would happen if more parents could get out of their ruts? What if more struggling couples heard from long-term married couples that it may be bad now, but more than likely things will get better. Support like this helps to reduce stress and isolation and increases confidence levels. It also helps when people have done all they know to do and they are pulling their hair out. There is wisdom in understanding you don’t know what you don’t know and when you have done all that you know seeking new information is a good thing. Other parents and couples who have been through similar experiences often bring new ideas to the table that can be very helpful.
We were never intended to live in isolation from each other. The next time you find yourself in a complicated situation instead of not talking about it and praying it will just go away, consider seeking the wise counsel of a friend who has already been down the road and may be able to offer support, encouragement and new perspectives.
