“Every time Mark and I would fight we would always say we were sorry,” said Mrs. Lori Kuebler. “Not that we really meant it. A lot of times I think we would say we forgive, but whatever happened was still in the back of our minds.”
According to relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis, the Kueblers struggle to forgive is something many couples grapple with.

“I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships, but struggle with being able to forgive each other,” said Ms. Weiner-Davis. “When they are offered tools to help them get past hurtful incidents, they can’t seem to move forward. They refuse to let go of grudges or give up score keeping. They replay these grievances over and over. They are so busy rehashing that they don’t take in the information about forgiveness because they are so intent on being right. Their negative thoughts dominate their thinking. No matter what they are doing, the scoreboard is never too far from the surface. This type of behavior is extremely destructive to a marriage relationship. Lack of forgiveness casts a shadow over everything. When you view life through the lense of unforgiveness, your life becomes in essence like a black and white photo instead of living color.”

The usual objections Ms. Weiner-Davis hears about forgiveness are, “If I forgive it will send a message that I condone the behavior.” Or “I can’t just forgive and forget.”

“When I talk with couples I emphasize the fact that forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting,” said Ms. Weiner-Davis. “What separates us from animals is the ability to think. I believe it is very important that we not forget. We can learn from mistakes. You will probably always remember the particular injustice/s that drove you into your corner. But what will happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the events begin to fade.”

If you struggle with unforgiveness in your marriage relationship Ms. Weiner-Davis suggests you consider the following:

• Start out with some self-scrutiny – If you can honestly say that you have never made a mistake then hold on to the grudge. No one is perfect. On the other end of things, some people who are very hard on themselves are hard on those around them. People need to be more loving and compassionate toward themselves and others.

• For some people, it is necessary to hear “I am sorry” from their spouse. If that is what you need, say so and graciously accept the apology. If you have to ask for the apology that doesn’t mean the apology is second rate.

• Holding on to a grudges wastes precious time and energy. It is exhausting to feel resentment day in and day out. It is bad for your health and hard on your spirit.

“Life is too short to stand around waiting for forgiveness to just happen,” said Ms. Weiner-Davis. “Decide to forgive and move on and you will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.”
For the Kuebler’s forgiveness has been the key to making their marriage work.

“The last time we separated I was involved in a bible study at my church called ‘Lord, Change Me,’” said Mrs. Kuebler. “That was when I finally realized I had to swallow my pride. Instead of looking at all of the things Mark needed to do to make our marriage better, I needed to focus on changing me. That was when I came to the conclusion that it was truly time to forgive and move on. If I change then gradually things in our marriage will change.”