Irreconcilable differences is the excuse many couples use for divorcing. Mark and Lori Kuebler found that they had more differences than things in common. They could have easily used irreconcilable differences as grounds for ending their marriage. Instead, they chose to take what was working against their marriage and make it work for their marriage.

“It almost became a game to see who could have the last word or end up being right,” said Mrs. Kuebler about their relationship, which was on the brink of divorce.

“A couple’s mindset about conflict and how they resolve conflict is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive,” said Janet Bales, Marriage Educator and Counselor. “What couples often don’t understand about conflict is that it is not about having the last word. It is about taking the time to understand where the other person is coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way.”

According to the 2002 Hamilton County Marriage Report, money is the number one area of conflict for couples followed by sex, children, in-laws and work.

“Although most couples usually experience conflict in the same areas, the majority of conflicts are not always about the issues that are on the table,” said Ms. Bales.

“It is usually about deeper, hidden issues such as recognition, control, commitment, respect or integrity and caring. For example, although a couple may be arguing about money, the real underlying issue might be their individual feelings about money and what it represents to them. Perhaps he/she is thinking about who is in control of the finances or if their spouse respects their opinion about where money should be spent. Until the couple understands what money means to each of them individually, they will have difficulty resolving conflicts about financial issues.

“The way in which couples attempt to resolve conflict often is based on what they have learned growing up. Techniques, such as the silent treatment or running away, are ineffective and tend to create more conflict. Couples who recognize that they have learned poor techniques can become skillful by learning new, more effective methods which will allow them to resolve the conflict at hand and move on.”

Ms Bales works to help couples understand that conflict is about trying to get needs met. If you feel like you are in constant conflict with your spouse Ms. Bales suggests the following:

• First, both parties must agree to cool off and discuss the issue in a calm manner.

• Second, make sure you are at a safe place and have agreed upon rules that will provide the structure and safety to deal with these highly emotional issues. Deal with one issue at a time.

• Third, identify the issue that is at the heart of the conflict, which means you have to be committed to listening to each other about the issue. This is not problem solving – you are LISTENING.

• Fourth, understand each other’s history about the issue. One couple argued constantly about their daughter getting her driver’s license. On the surface the issue was about the driver’s license. The deeper, hidden issue was that her father had been a policeman and insurance agent and was very concerned about the well being of his daughter.

• Finally, brainstorm ways to resolve the conflict.

Don’t expect this process to happen overnight. Sometimes issues are truly irreconcilable and couples must agree to disagree. Statistics show that 60 percent of arguments are unresolvable. It is the way that couples handle the disagreement that makes the difference in a healthy and an unhealthy relationship.

The Kuebler’s recognized that it is about being a team. A true win/win means that their marriage is going to work because they are focused on the good of the team and not individual gain.