“My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled,” said Mrs. Kuebler. “We ended up not speaking to each other for several days.”
“In the last 20 years, I have worked with thousands of people to help them learn how to appropriately deal with their anger,” said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D. Founder of Life Skills International, which was developed to teach hurting people the skills they should have learned in a balanced, loving home from birth to 18 years of age.
All of us have experienced the emotion of anger. Because most people have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, people are often confused about what to do with their anger. According to many of the latest movies, if a person is angry the appropriate response is to seek revenge, which usually equates to violence.
Interestingly, research validates that 96 to 98 percent of what people get angry about is rooted in childhood.
“When people have been wounded they tend to gravitate toward and marry a person that they believe can fulfill the losses in their childhood,” said Dr. Hegstrom. “For instance, a woman who grew up without a father might gravitate toward someone older and seemingly wiser whom she believes can help fill the void she is feeling. Or a man who was never listened to as a child might choose a mate that appears to be a good listener.
“When their mate innocently does something to trigger emotions about those childhood losses, instead of understanding what is at the heart of their anger they become angry at their mate. For example, a wife becomes angry at her husband for arriving home 30 minutes late. She is irate and he doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal. Looking back at this lady’s childhood we find out that her parents divorced because her father was having an affair and would frequently come in late. Her anger stems from fear that her husband might do the same thing to her BUT – this is never discussed. Anger is always a secondary reaction to a primary feeling.”
In order to get control over anger, Dr. Hegstrom encourages individuals to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger. What kind of losses did you experience during childhood?
The next step is to identify what anger is and where it is coming from. Is it rooted in feelings of hurt, invalidation, frustration, fear, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, etc.? These are trigger points.
Once a person knows their trigger points, instead of always reacting with anger they can step back, take a time out and say, “This is how I responded to what you said. Is that what you meant?” When couples stop to discuss the little things, they are resolving conflict versus reacting.
“When individuals begin to deal with childhood issues they begin to grow and heal in these areas,” said Dr. Hegstrom. “This process takes time. Many couples expect too much, too quick without any work. The value of a relationship is always greater than the conflict of the moment. If a person is teachable the issues are fixable.”
A couple of weeks ago the Kueblers went on a trip with some friends. Mark and Lori ended up having a disagreement. The kids went swimming and Mark and Lori stayed in the room. After a period of silence both of them looked at each other and said, “We need to settle this and move on.”
“We actually talked without raising our voices and without getting angry,” said Mrs. Kuebler. “Once you realize you have come to that point where you can talk without yelling at each other it feels so good. When you are yelling you are not going to get anything settled, you are just going to make yourself even more angry. When you recognize we need to do things differently you realize you have accomplished something in your marriage.”
