“Contrary to popular belief, most people do not set out to have an affair,” said Dr. Shirley Glass, Infidelity Expert and author of Not “Just Friends.” “Eric’s situation is all too common. It is faulty thinking to believe that if you are attracted to someone else there must be something wrong at home. It is possible to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. The single most important protector against an affair is appropriate boundaries. In a culture where men and women are working so closely you must make sure you are not creating opportunities for an affair to occur, especially at a time when you might be vulnerable – like right after a fight with your spouse. One of the most common doorways into an affair is where a man and woman who are ‘just friends’ innocently begin to discuss problems in their primary relationship. They are doing their marriage work with someone who might not be a friend to the marriage.”
According to research, 25 percent of women and 40 percent of men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. According to Dr. Glass, intimacy in marriage is defined by openness, honesty and self-disclosure. Anything that interferes with that creates walls of secrecy in a marriage and should be a signal that danger is looming. For example, if you meet the same person every morning for breakfast in a public place, but you don’t tell your spouse that you are doing it, you are creating a wall of secrecy in your marriage. If you aren’t comfortable talking with your spouse about what you are doing that should be a warning sign to you.
Interestingly, only 10 percent of people who leave a marriage to pursue a relationship with their affair partner actually end up with them. Many say they wish the affair had never happened and they had worked on their marriage.
How can a couple guard against an affair?
Establish clear boundaries.
Stay connected to each other by keeping the lines of communication open. Instead of creating walls of secrecy, talk with your spouse. Eric came home to his wife and told her about what happened with his co-worker. They were able to talk openly about strategies for clearer boundaries. This made their relationship stronger.
If you feel attracted to someone else never let them know it.
Watch out for outside influences that encourage infidelity. For example, steer clear of an environment where other people are fooling around. Be on your guard at business socials where drinking and dancing happen and spouses aren’t present.
If you have experienced infidelity in your marriage, the good news is it can survive and be stronger than before. The bad news is, it will take time for the wounds of betrayal to heal and both parties must be willing to work together to move the marriage forward.
Dr. Glass recommends the following to couples working through infidelity:
The first step is to stop the affair. The person who has been betrayed cannot begin to heal until the affair is finished.
Second, the person who had the affair has to agree to be accountable and create a safe and open environment by letting their partner know where they are. You must replace deception with honesty.
Thirdly, because trust has been violated, the story of the affair has to be told. The only way to tear down the wall of deception is to have an open window – no secrets. Usually, partners will want all of the details. They will need to put all of the missing pieces together and ask questions. The partner who had the affair must be patient and willing to share information understanding that this is one way to rebuild intimacy.
Fourth, figure out where vulnerabilities are in your relationship and begin to work on them.
Fifth, discuss what being faithful and committed in your marriage means to you. Just because a relationship is not sexual does not mean you are not having an emotional affair.
Finally, understand that this is a very difficult process and you may need to seek the help of a professional to work through your issues.
Eric was able to take a situation that had the potential to harm his marriage and turn it into one that fostered more open communication and trust with his spouse. It is the window of openness and the sharing of uncomfortable situations that actually build a marriage up rather than tear it down.
