According to the latest census numbers, 1 in 3 children in Tennessee go to bed each night without their biological father in the home. Obviously, all of these children have fathers, but where are they? To a large extent many of these men have been accused of being deadbeat dads. Maybe the question needs to be asked: Are all these men deadbeat dads or is the term deadbolt dads more fitting?
David* has three children ranging in age from 10 to 20 and has been divorced for nine years.
“It seems as though the more time that goes by the harder it is to be involved in the lives of my children,” said David.
David has actually exceeded the national trend. Research has shown that within five years of a divorce 90 percent of fathers are completely gone from the lives of their children. Why?
“There are a number of fathers who have not stepped up to the plate when it comes to taking responsibility for their children,” said Rozario Slack, Director of Fathering at First Things First. “However, we also must recognize that there are men out there who are trying to do the right thing – to be involved with their children – and they are shut out by their child’s mother. Based on the latest research on divorce, what we recognize is that in most cases it is a lose/lose proposition. Children are used as weapons by their exs and everybody pays the price.”
“Although we are supposed to split holiday time, there are many holidays where plans are made and I am not even a part of the decision making process,” said David. “There have been times when I have been so rejected and discouraged about the situation that I just wanted to throw in the towel. I have to constantly remind myself that my children are both a gift and the most important responsibility I have. I feel my children have more allegiance and love toward their mother because she is their primary caregiver – even though I have made it possible for her not to have to work because I felt it was in the children’s best interest. I understand that this is a totally unnatural situation and that they are the victims, but it doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Although this may sound like an exceptional circumstance, more and more fathers find themselves in a situation where they want to be involved in the lives of their children, but due to the animosity between the two parents they find it impossible to unlock the deadbolt,” said Mr. Slack.
Because of the challenges that fathers face in getting the opportunity to see their children when they are together it is a real balancing act striving not to displace their frustrations by over or under disciplining – giving in to the temptation to be a “Disney Dad.”
There are some keys parents can use to help unlock the deadbolt.
Key #1 – Avoid the temptation to abandon your children.
Key #2 – Know that you are not alone – join a healthy network of dads help you to make it through the challenging times.
Key # 3- Avoid the temptation to be a “Disney Dad.” Life isn’t always fun or fair.
Key #4 - Understand (learn about) the long term affects of divorce on children.
Key # 5 – Recognize that scheduling visitation with your children may be very frustrating, but it does not compare with the frustration the children are experiencing.
Key #6 – Acknowledge that on the surface it may appear discouraging, but it is important to keep focused on the bigger picture – the emotional development of your children.
Key #7 – Know that although children are often unwilling or unable to articulate their feelings there is usually a lot more going on inside than you realize.
“Using David’s words, it is hard to persist in the face of continued rejection by the
very children you are trying to love,” said Mr. Slack. “However, never underestimate the power of your presence. Know that parental rejection is often a part of the developmental process for young people. Stay involved, be committed, be patient and your influence will pay off in the long run.”
