The pressures of fatherhood are great. On any given day, balancing work and family, finances, and discipline are usually three issues that rank at the top of the list. Our culture has been telling men that if they are good providers that equates to being a good dad. However, research is now sending a newsflash to men…. and women that it isn’t all about the money. Children need father presence in their lives.
Many men have heard that they need to involved in the lives of their children, but the definition of what it means to be involved can differ from one man to the next.
First Things First encourages men to ask themselves the question, ‘Why do I father my children the way I do?’
So many men are really trying to be great fathers, but they struggle because nobody was there for them growing up and they aren’t sure what it means to be a good dad. A lot of men promise they are going to be more involved with their children because of the lack of involvement of their own father. Unfortunately, they find themselves hard pressed because they don’t know what to do. They have spent a lot of time talking about what they aren’t going to do and little if any time discussing what they are going to do. So they amble along doing the best they know how with limited knowledge.
In an analysis of nearly 100 studies on parent-child relationships, father love (measured by children’s perceptions of paternal acceptance/rejection, affection/indifference) was as important as mother love in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.
Specifically, the studies showed that:
- Having a loving and nurturing father was as important for a child’s happiness, well-being, and social and academic success as having a loving and nurturing mother.
- Withdrawal of love by either the father or the mother was equally influential in predicting a child’s emotional instability, lack of self-esteem, depression, social withdrawal and level of aggression.
- In some studies, father love was actually a better predictor than mother love for certain outcomes, including delinquency and conduct problems, substance abuse, and overall mental health and well-being.
Men have to learn how to strike a balance between providing for their family and nurturing their family. Many men don’t feel comfortable connecting with their children emotionally so they spend most of their waking hours away from home.
Our message to men is ‘Don’t spend all your time away from your family trying to make something happen for your family or you defeat the purpose. In many instances, just the mere presence of a father is better than tons of things and planned activities.”
Here are some tips for dads who want to be more connected to their children:
- Ask your children thought provoking questions and then listen so you can hear what they are thinking.
- Some of the best things in life are free. Walking on the riverfront across the bridge, horseplay, tumbling on the floor, fishing, riding bikes, and flying kites are great ways to connect with your children and they don’t cost a thing. Many times children will not remember things you bought them, but they will remember things you have done with them.
So what is the payoff for being an engaged father?
The benefits are significant for both father and child. Children with an involved, loving father are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity. Even though 18 years may seem like an eternity, children grow up really quickly so maximize precious moments with them.
