Mr. Vincent Viscomi is one of thousands of fathers who loves his work and family. Trying to choose one over the other seemed like an impossible task. Although he was aware of the fact that his children would frequently go days without seeing him and his wife attended social events without him, he just couldn’t find a way to make the decisions that he knew he needed to make.
“Even after being in a horrible accident because I fell asleep at the wheel driving between hospitals, I still could not see my way clear to make changes in my life,” said Dr. Viscomi. “In my head I knew I needed to make some choices, but I didn’t feel free to make those choices. I talked with a number of my physician friends who seemed to be dealing with the same kinds of challenges. While my wife and I struggled with the issues at hand, our counselor asked me, ‘What would you rather be doing, sitting at home with your child reading a bedtime story and tucking him into bed or working up a patient in the intensive care unit?’ I could not answer her because I enjoyed doing both. After a lot of discussion with my wife, I realized I would be happier if I could spend more time with my children and less time at work. With the encouragement of friends and assistance from hospital administrators and co-workers, I began the process of change.”
“People struggle with making choices for a number of reasons,” said Dr. Tim Irwin, Industrial and Organizational Psychologist. “Often men find their identity and security in their work. Making certain choices is fraught with tremendous risk such as decreased income, and the fact that walking away from a career often implies failure or weakness. Additionally, one’s circumstances may appear to give a person greater or lesser degrees of freedom to make choices. Some people believe they are stuck and have no choice.”
According to Dr. Irwin, people make choices for one of three reasons:
Pain – people get themselves in very painful situations. Pain is a powerful motivator. For example, it took a serious automobile accident for Dr. Viscomi to realize he had to do something different.
Realization of consequences – The reality of what will happen if things don’t change sets in.
“I worked with a client who traveled and was on the road 24 days a month,” said Dr. Irwin. “He came home late one Friday afternoon and the screen door was latched. He knocked and his three-year-old daughter came to the door. She saw him standing there and yelled to her mother, ‘Mommy, that man is here again.’ This person realized at that very moment he had to make a choice. His heart was pierced with guilt. He gave up a very lucrative sales career to be with his family.”
Realization of how much better things could be – A person begins to get a picture in their mind that things could be significantly better if they pursued a certain course of action. Rather than waiting for something better to happen, they say, “I must do something different.” For instance, a spouse may quit his/her job, take a job that requires less travel, or go to school to open up better opportunities. Dr. Irwin refers to this as being on the offense.
“Now that I have made the decision to spend more time with my family I don’t want to give that up,” said Dr. Viscomi. “I don’t think I have ever been happier. I recognize that this is time I can’t get back. I recently overheard my son talking with one of his friends. The friend commented that they used to never see me at anything and now I am around all the time.My son replied, ‘He’s less of a doctor, but he sure is a better dad.’
"This choice has allowed me to meet a lot of dads, be a Cub Scout master, coach my kids’ soccer teams, attend social functions with my wife, and be home for dinner. It is a much more rewarding life. When I was trying to make some healthy choices, one of my physician partners told me I needed to get my priorities in order – faith, family and job. I believe I have finally accomplished that. I have found significance in my faith, children and wife. When my priorities are in order I can better meet the needs of everyone I serve including my patients.”
