A few years ago therapist and author Michele Weiner Davis was facilitating a group of women who wanted to improve their marriages.  As the evening progressed she noted that it started to feel like a male-bashing session.  Wives were saying things like, ‘Husbands are always preoccupied.’ ‘I feel like I have another child.’  ‘My husband never does anything to help.’  After listening for a few minutes she asked these ladies this question, “If your husband were here and you weren’t, would he say you were more complimentary or critical of him?”

At that moment it was as if a light bulb went on for many of the wives.  One woman said she recently returned home to see that her husband had mowed their 3 acre spread and her only comment was, ‘You missed a spot under the tree.’

“I think women are likely to notice so much more easily the things that aren’t getting done,” said Ms. Weiner Davis.  “If they happen to notice what does get done, since women are often perfectionists, the only thing husbands hear is what they aren’t doing right.  Who wants that?”

There seems to be a cultural phenomenon these days where women complain to other women about their husbands as a means of connection.  There is a sense of camaraderie when you discover other people feel the exact same way you do. Plus, since there is a consensus among women about their complaints, it leads to one and only one conclusion- men must be to blame.  But there are problems with the blame game.

 “I think what women don’t realize is that the more you complain about your husband the more fuel it adds to the fire,” said Ms. Weiner Davis.  “It doesn’t make you want to go home and be more loving toward your husband.  It reinforces the idea that you are stuck and you don’t know what to do, which leads to a sense of helplessness and isn’t a very good feeling. And while it may feel good at the moment to complain, it is also disrespectful to your husband, who isn’t there to tell his side of the story.  In short, it isn’t productive to the relationship.”

Weiner Davis contends that all the complaining does is reinforce the idea that men are bad and there is nothing wives can do about it.

“That simply is not the case,” said Ms. Weiner Davis.  “Each of us as women needs to be more conscientious about the energy we are generating, the kind of stories we are telling about our relationships and the way these stories make us feel.  Although it might help to know that you’re not the only woman in the world experiencing a certain emotion, you only have to talk to your girlfriend one time to make that determination.  After that, you’re just wallowing in your helplessness.

 
What if girlfriends were agents of change instead of just shoulders to lean on when the going gets tough?  Instead of saying, “What’s your husband thinking?” “Why is he acting that way?” could you imagine yourself saying, “Girlfriend, I know it’s hard for you, but how could you handle things differently in your marriage?”  “What could you say or do that might lead to a better outcome?”

According to Weiner Davis, people often understand the danger in talking with a person of the opposite sex about these problems.  But, what they sometimes don’t get is that talking negatively about your marriage to anybody on a regular basis can be a very slippery slope.  

“If you are going to open up and talk about your most intimate relationship you better make sure you are talking to marriage-friendly people and that they have weathered many marital storms and come out the other side,” said Ms. Weiner Davis.  


If you have been talking badly about your husband, Ms Weiner Davis would encourage you to do the following:

• Don’t look at exiting your marriage as the solution to the problem.
• Find someone to confide in who truly understands the trials and tribulations of marriage.
• Notice the positive in your relationship and verbalize it to your spouse.
• Talk productively with your husband about your feelings and what you would like to do differently rather than what you are unhappy about.
• Don’t expect your husband to read your mind.  If you need something done ask instead of being angry because he didn’t figure it out on his own.
• When you go to sleep at night think about those things for which you can be grateful.  
• Recognize and acknowledge that sometimes your expectations of your husband are unrealistic.
• Don’t participate in negative conversations either actively or passively.
• Be a positive influence with your girlfriends.  Help your friends do all the above.

As the saying goes, it takes two people to tango, but it only takes one person to change how
you dance.  The next time you find yourself in the midst of a husband trashing session resist the urge to jump in with the best of them.  Who knows, you might find that others will follow your lead and the conversation can move from tearing down marriage to a constructive conversation about what you can do differently to move your marriage from good to great.

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