Not too long ago people tended to marry in their early twenties. Now the average marrying age is 27 for males and 25 for females. Why is this? Why are people waiting so long to marry? And is it helping or hurting their chances of success in marriage?
“It is interesting because today’s young singles (emerging adults) want to have a great marriage yet they keep putting it off,” said Dr. John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (or Jerkette). “This is occurring across almost all subcultures, races and the socio-economic spectrum in both the U.S. and most European countries.”
For instance, researcher Katherine Edin found that marriage was a dream that most in poverty still longed for, a luxury they hoped to indulge in someday when the time was right, but generally not something they saw happening in the near or even the foreseeable future.
“To understand what is happening with singles we can’t just look at their behavior—we have to ask what they are thinking,” said Dr. Van Epp. “There seems to be three prevalent myths that emerging adults buy into when it comes to marriage: first, marrying later results in marrying better; second, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; and finally, marriage takes more than it gives.”
In some ways, it is true that later ages have better results in marriage. However, in a 2002 study of 10,000 women it was found that marrying after the age of 21 did contribute to improved marital stability; however, there wasn’t much difference inbetween the ages of 21and 30. On the other hand, it was also found that premarital sex, premarital cohabitation and unwed childbearing contributed to marital instability. As a result, researchers suggest that as people wait to get married after their early twenties the risks may actually grow due to becoming set in their ways and an increased likelihood of engaging in these higher risk activities.
The second myth – what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—is used to compartmentalize risky activities apart from their effects on a future marriage.
“Many singles operate under the premise that sowing their wild oats before they get married will not impact their marriage relationship,” said Dr. Van Epp. “However, this is a myth. Research has provided indisputable evidence that the number of sexual partners women had before they married were directly related to their chances of divorce. In a 2003 study it was found that involvement with just one partner other than the one you married raised the risk of divorce three times higher than those who had only had sex with their husband.”
For emerging adults, there seems to be a marital horizon, the ideal age one would like to be married. Those who have a more distant marital horizon are much more likely to participate in risky premarital activities that research has identified will put them at greater risk for divorce.
“Clearly we are seeing that it isn’t just the experience of marriage… it is the mindset of marriage,” said Dr. Van Epp. “For instance, my daughter remembers a friend she had in high school who told her that when she dated she always kept in mind her future husband.” Do not be fooled, what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas.”
The third myth, marriage takes more than it gives, comes from messages that Dr. Van Epp believes society sends to our young people. Too many well-meaning parents are counseling their kids to slow down, delay settling down, experience and enjoy life, and not to marry until they have to.
“The implication for the emerging adult is that when you finally get married it’s as if you stepped into a life sentence of limited options” said Dr. Van Epp. “The truth is just the opposite: marriage creates a framework that gives you something more than what you can gain and be by yourself.
So what can we do to keep young singles from falling prey to the three myths? First, parents and other caring adults must become educated on these issues so they can pass along accurate information to their children. Parents must help their children better understand that what they do now programs them for future behavior. Encourage them to keep marriage close on the horizon versus a distant goal. Discourage premarital cohabitation and premarital sex.
“We have intentionally raised our daughters to think of marriage as a wonderful experience that could be just around the corner after they entered their 20’s,” said Dr. Van Epp. “Our oldest is getting married soon. Throughout her high school and college years she dated with her future marriage in mind. Many parents are cultivating a narcissistic and compartmentalized view of dating and the 20’s. I would encourage an emerging adult to move marriage closer on the horizon, to consciously work at a better attitude toward marriage and to live in a way that would not jeopardize marriage in the future.”
