If a close friend, your spouse or your child asked, “How much can I lie to you and you still trust me,” what would be your response?
“Since healthy relationships are built on the foundation of honesty and trust, I think most people would be uncomfortable with even little white lies or embellishing the truth,” said Pam Johnson, licensed clinical social worker. “People want to think that they can say and do whatever they want in a relationship and it will always be there no matter what. The reality is that is not the case. When it comes to telling the truth there is no wiggle room. If you want the relationship to remain strong, honesty is still the best policy.”
People often don’t take into consideration that you can betray trust in all kinds of ways, from talking behind a person’s back and omitting part of a story to out and out lying. Whenever you convey inconsistencies, it makes people trust you less.
Not long ago a woman who escaped from a Michigan prison more than 30 years ago was captured. She had been living in California with her husband of more than 20 years and her three children. In a jailhouse interview she said she debated telling her family until her youngest son graduated from high school. While they knew that she had a past, according to the interview they did not know the entire story. ‘I don’t know how our relationship is going to be,’ she said in the interview. ‘I worry about how they are going to take all this. I have been a strict mother who taught that honesty and integrity were important.’ Now she is going to be away from them for a long time because of something she did years ago that she knew would catch up with her one day.
“There is no question that being honest has its consequences,” said Ms. Johnson. For example, you may express what you think and how you feel and someone you love may not be able to accept your thoughts and feelings. But, which would you rather have, a relationship that is built on a subpar foundation because I only show you the person that I think you want me to be, or one where you are allowed to be your authentic self?”
Studies show that people value authentic, transparent relationships.
“Honesty has to start with you,” said Ms. Johnson. “That is the price we pay for an authentic relationship. The degree to which we are able to accept ourselves, our strengths as well as our weaknesses, is equal to the degree to which we are able to acceptance differences in others. Ask yourself, do you possess the skills that allow you to listen so others can talk and talk so others can listen? It isn’t about being perfect or bright. It is about striving to always speak truth.”
Johnson points out that the consequence of dishonesty is never being able to have the intimacy and trust in the relationship that you could have had had you chosen not to act in ways that compromised your integrity.
“I see a lot of people who are struggling with trust issues in their relationship,” said Ms. Johnson. “When I ask them if there were trust issues while they were dating, what usually surfaces is the fact that it was a whirlwind romance. Many people are so afraid of being alone that they rush to the altar instead of taking the time to really get to know someone. In the end they are disappointed. They compromised integrity in order to appease the need to be in relationship.”
Real, rich relationships are never void of honesty. If this is a character trait you value, there are no shortcuts for determining the integrity of another person. Knowing them over an extended period of time through a variety of experiences involving many different people will be your best trust indicator.
“Being perceived as trustworthy to someone you love is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself or another person, and it creates an environment in the relationship that will grow intimacy and companionship in a most satisfying way,” said Ms. Johnson. “Don’t sell yourself short when it comes to your relationships. Authentic, meaningful relationships are something money can’t buy.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
