If someone were to describe you, would they say you live life whole-heartedly, half-heartedly or with no heart at all?
Drs. Shawn Stoever and Greg Smalley, authors of, The Whole-Hearted Marriage: Fully Engaging your Most Important Relationship, scheduled for release in June, both found themselves encountering people who were just going through the motions of life without ever engaging their heart.
“I don’t think this is something that people necessarily make a conscious decision to do,” said Dr. Stoever. “It can be the result of many different life circumstances. When I was 9-years-old, my mother died. Even though my dad was a wonderful father, he didn’t really know how to talk with me about my feelings and emotions surrounding the death of my mother. My response was to stuff everything and kick into survival mode.”
It wasn’t until Dr. Stoever met Christina, who is now his wife, that he realized how disconnected he was.
“We had been dating for a while and were actually discussing marriage when Christina looked at me and said, ‘If we are going to take this relationship any further I want your heart, not just your intellect, ACT score and GPA. I want feelings, emotion and passion, the stuff that comes from your heart.’ I loved her, but I had to think long and hard about whether I was going to engage my heart and risk being hurt again.”
Dr. Stoever did make the decision to open up his heart again, but what he realized over time was that most folks are not wholehearted about life in general. Whether in work, marriage, parenting, sports or something else, instead of fully embracing these opportunities, they put in the least amount of effort necessary in order to collect a paycheck, keep a marriage together or deal with their children.
“Living life half-heartedly is like hitting a ground ball and jogging to first base because you know you’re going to be out anyway,” said Dr. Stoever. “There are a lot of things that can cause people to live life without engaging their heart. The trick is figuring out how to get your heart to open back up in a world that is designed to shut it down.”
The first step is recognizing that your heart is important not just to keep the blood flowing, but to experience joy, laughter, hurt, enthusiasm and other emotions.
Second, you need to identify those things that rob you of the opportunity to engage your heart, like the death of a parent, lies from the past, fear, friends who have said hurtful things, or compromises you have made. There are literally thousands of reasons people close down emotionally to protect themselves.
The next step is making a conscious effort to re-engage your heart. When your heart is open you can freely give and receive love which leads to the blessing of experiencing life wholeheartedly. If you have no idea how to begin to reconnect with your heart, consider these ideas:
- Watch children play or even play with them. Kids naturally live life with their hearts fully engaged.
- Intentionally choose a movie that you know will touch your heart and bring forth emotion.
- Grab a journal and keep track of your feelings for a week.
- Intentionally hang out with people who live life wholeheartedly. Their energy and passion for life is contagious.
“Regardless of the path you choose to re-engage your heart, the benefits will be obvious,” said Dr. Stoever. “Relationships, particularly marriage, will have more meaning, feelings will be more accessible, and work may even be more fulfilling. In general, life is more satisfying and enjoyable when your heart is fully engaged.”
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
