Over the last few decades there has been a lot of discussion about marriage as a soul-mate relationship, but not necessarily as an economic partnership.
“I think we have forgotten that how well couples are able to manage their economic partnership has a lot to do with trust and intimacy in marriage,” said Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, director of the Generosity and Thrift Center at the Institute for American Values, former co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University and author of The Divorce Culture: Rethinking our Commitment to Marriage and the Family. “Decisions about how we use our resources are a part of daily married life. When I use the word intimacy, I’m not just talking about sex and emotional closeness. I am referring to the intimacy that comes from dealing with money issues.”
Families who used to take luxurious vacations are now holding yard sales to try and make their house payment. Parents are telling their children that paying for their college education is not an option at this time and couples who purchased high-end homes or condos with no money down are trying to unload them just to stay financially afloat.
“We have become a credit card addicted, get it now, pay it later society,” said Dr. Dafoe Whitehead. “Plastic has replaced cash and instant gratification has replaced delayed gratification. Our homes have become investments that we can trade up or borrow money against – at least until last year, and instead of practicing the value of thrift we thought it was something that had gone out of style.”
Whitehead suggests that perhaps now is a good time to examine some of the values of the greatest generation and consider exactly what thrift has to do with marriage.
What is thrift?
“Thrift is an ethic of wise use that comes from the religious tradition of stewardship,” said Dr. Dafoe Whitehead. “Thrift is the wise use of resources in order to enjoy life and share all the good things we have with others. It is gracious and grateful. When we are thrifty we are more appreciative of what we have and less envious of what others have. Thrift is good stewardship of resources for future generations. It is not something you are all of the sudden good at doing. It is a discipline that takes practice and skill.”
What is the connection between thrift and healthy marriage?
“A thrift ethic gives couples a discipline that enables them to do practical things that require transparency about money, which in turn can create an environment of trust and intimacy,” said Dr. Dafoe Whitehead. “Putting together a budget is like making a statement about what is important in your marriage and life. Deciding things like shared goals for saving, how much money you will share in common, how much you will give away, etc., significantly decreases the chance of couples debating or arguing constantly about finances.”
Whitehead contends that the norms of marriage such as accountability, fidelity, mutuality, permanence, and trust also transmit to our values about money. How couples build their economic partnership lays a foundation for trust and intimacy in marriage that is at least as important as the soul-mate relationship people say they desire.
“I believe we must begin to think and work on the economic partnership of Marriage,” said Dr. Dafoe Whitehead. “The instant gratification debt problem will not go away magically.”
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