Consider these findings from research conducted by TRU in 2008 with more than 1,600 tweens and teens.    

• 62 percent know friends who have been verbally abused (called stupid, worthless, ugly, etc.) by a boy/girlfriend.
• One in five 13-14 year olds in relationships know peers who have been struck in anger (kicked, hit, slapped) by a boy/girlfriend.
• One in four tweens say dating violence - physically hurting relationship partners – is a serious problem for people their age.
• 70 percent of parents say they haven’t talked to their tween about relationships because their child is too young.

“Findings from this research are startling,” said Dr. Jill Murray, psychologist and author of numerous books on dating violence including, But He Never Hit Me: The Devastating Cost of Non-physical Abuse to Girls and Women.  “Nobody wants to believe their child would ever be involved with an abuser.  The reality is, many young people are in abusive dating relationships.  We are dealing with harmful behavior that may likely follow them into adult dating relationships.  Parents must realize they play a critical role in helping their child know the qualities of a healthy dating relationship and the warning signs of abuse.”  

Recent incidents involving dating violence have received national attention.  While some realized their relationships weren’t healthy, they underestimated the danger they were in even after breaking up.

“We must teach children early to differentiate between a healthy versus unhealthy relationship,” said Dr. Murray.  “Two years of age is not too early to begin teaching your children that love is a behavior as is respect.  It is up to you to model what that looks like.”

Just because you don’t have a black eye or a broken arm doesn’t mean a relationship isn’t destructive.  While there has been an increase in girls abusing guys, statistics indicate that girls  are more often victims of dating abuse. 

 If your daughter makes excuses for her boyfriend’s inappropriate behavior, seems afraid of making him angry, or apologizes for things she has never done in the relationship, these are all serious warning signs.  

“Your teen should not be afraid of making her boyfriend mad, nor should she be crying or in constant angst about her relationship.” said Dr. Murray.  “Teen dating relationships should be fun and happy.  Teens need to understand that jealousy is not love, but insecurity.” 

 “The most important thing parents can do is be the parent your child needs you to be starting at birth,” said Dr. Murray.  “One of the biggest hindrances to children is parents who do not take charge because they desperately want their children to like them and think they are cool.  When your children start asking you how old is old enough to date, the logical answer is, ‘When we believe you are emotionally mature enough; when we see that you are a leader, not a follower; when we see you living out the life morals and values we have taught you, then we can have a discussion about dating.’”

Your children may think they have all the answers about relationships.  Dr. Murray would disagree.  We need to take good care of our children in the formative years to prepare them for life and relationships in the real world.