If you are a person of faith you probably believe that prayer impacts your marriage, but can you prove it? While scientists have been known to keep their distance from religion and spirituality, a group of researchers recently set out to determine whether prayer does indeed make a difference in a marriage relationship.
What we know based on research is this: more than 90 percent of Americans experience marriage by age 55 and ninety percent of Americans say they pray at least occasionally. A whopping three-quarters of them say they pray at least weekly.
Dr. Frank Fincham, Eminent Scholar and Director of the FSU Family Institute, wondered about the impact of prayer on marriage.
“We recruited people to participate in a four-week study where they were randomly assigned to either pray for their partner, engage in general prayer or set aside time to think about the positive things in life and about their partner,” said Dr. Fincham. “Twice a week they were asked to record online what they had done.”
Fincham’s research showed that those who prayed for their partner showed a greater willingness to forgive their partner for a transgression, and other surveys of couples married 25 years or longer found that forgiveness was one of the top three most important characteristics of their relationship that allowed them to stay married.
As Robert Quillan once said, “A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.”
“Based on our research, prayer clearly impacts marriage relationships in a positive way,” said Dr. Fincham. “Our next question was whether or not prayer can protect a marriage partner from risk factors? Specifically, does talking to God make college students less inclined to drink?”
To answer this question, researchers took a group of college students and randomly assigned them to either keep a daily journal or pray for their partners. For those students who prayed for their partners, alcohol consumption was reduced by 50 percent. Lest you wonder if this was a one-time outcome, the study has been replicated.
“This is an important finding because alcohol is associated with bad things in relationships such as intimate partner violence and unfaithfulness,” said Dr. Fincham. “We even found that college students who were in committed dating relationships who prayed for their partner saw a decrease in infidelity. But what about marriage?”
It is basically inevitable that conflict will occur when two people come together in marriage. Initially, the couple is focused on shared goals such as – building a life together, but as time goes by those goals may fall to the wayside as individual opportunities arise for each person. This creates stress on the relationship.
Focusing on being grateful is one way to relieve that stress, and studies similar to Fincham’s have shown that prayer increases gratitude. Being more grateful in life is associated with better mental health and better mental health is associated with better relationships.
“Our research shows that praying for your partner can bring you back to the common goals,” said Dr. Fincham. “When people pray, they become one with their spouse. A subtle shift occurs. Praying regulates your emotion and it never leads to anger. Knee-mail is social support available 24/7. We know that couples who have access to social support tend to negotiate their relationship affairs better than anyone else.”
Incorporating prayer for your spouse into your life can be done in small steps. Start by taking a few minutes to focus on the things you like about your spouse, ask for help in relating to him or her, and be specific about what you would like to see happen in your relationship. Be willing to forgive and to realize your need for forgiveness. Try praying together and watch what happens in response. You just might be surprised.
