Three weeks before she was supposed to report to the University of  Iowa, for her freshman year, Tom and Barbara Santoro’s 18-year-old daughter Lisa was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. 

    “My wife and I had been around this young man on several occasions,” said Mr. Santoro.  “I didn’t like him, but I didn’t dislike him either.  They dated for five months before our daughter broke up with him.  During that time there was no evidence of any kind of violence or abuse.  What we did not know until after the fact was that this guy kept calling Lisa and stalking her after they broke up.  That would have been a warning sign that all was not well.”

    According to a study conducted by the Family Violence Prevention Fund and Advocates for Youth, 81 percent of parents surveyed either believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know it’s an issue.  A majority of the parents surveyed (54 percent) said they had not spoken to their child about dating violence.

“As a speaker for Campus Outreach Services I share our story at high schools and on college campuses all over the country.  I frequently ask young people to raise their hand if their parents have ever talked with them about dating violence,” said Mr. Santoro.

  “Usually only a couple of hands go up.  I think this is one of the most critical conversations parents can have with their teen, especially since the teens I speak with seem to be under the impression that violence is only when you are being hit or sexually abused.”

In 2006, Liz Claiborne commissioned Teenage Research Unlimited (TRU) to conduct a survey looking deeper at the issue of teen dating violence.  The results showed that alarming numbers of teens experience and accept abusive behavior in dating relationships.

• One in five teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.
• One in three girls who have been in a serious relationship said they have been concerned about being physically hurt by their partner.
• One in four teens who have been in a serious relationship say their boyfriend or girlfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with friends or family; the same number have been pressured to only spend time with their partner.
• One in four girls between the ages of 16 and 18 say sex is expected for people their age if they’re in a relationship; half of teen girls who have experienced sexual pressure report they are afraid the relationship would break up if they did not give in.
• Nearly one in four girls who have been in a relationship (23%) reported going further sexually than they wanted as a result of pressure.

Warning signs that may indicate a teenager is experiencing dating violence include: physical signs of injury, failing grades, changes in mood or personality, isolation from friends and family, emotional outbursts and use of alcohol/drugs where there was no prior use.

“Clearly dating violence is a very real issue,” said Mr. Santoro.  “My goal is to see parents taking a more active role in the dating lives of their teens.  Ask questions.  Don’t be intimidated by rolling eyes or attitude.  Make sure your teen knows the signs of abuse and insist on having a dating safety plan.  Discuss potential situations and how to deal with them. Teach them to trust their gut. 

Talk about what they should do if they find themselves feeling uncomfortable in a situation.  As parents, we have a responsibility to give our children as much information as possible to help them make healthy decisions when it comes to relationships.

To learn more about teen dating violence visit loveisrespect.org