Imagine removing yourself from celebrating Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, high school football games, sitting  in your favorite chair, having the opportunity to worship with your family, your favorite meal and the opportunity to connect whenever you want with those that call you husband, dad, mom, wife, son, daughter, brother, sister, friend. That is the life of the deployed soldier, sailor, airman and Marine.

Dave and Brooke Jones have been married a little more than 4 years and have two children.  Since their wedding day, Dave has been deployed to Japan, Katrina, Washington D.C., Germany, Alaska, San Diego, Korea and Arizona. Last week he deployed to Kyrgystan for 5 months.

 
“We have spent half of our married life apart from each other while Dave serves in the military,” said Mrs. Jones.  “He loves what he does, but it makes marriage and family life complicated.”   

Many couples find themselves in the position of having their loved one serving our country while the other tries to keep the home fires burning.  

“Yesterday, my wife and I talked with five Majors serving our country in the military,” said Dr. Gary Rosberg, marriage and family counselor and author.  “The emerging themes were interesting.  These were men and women who shared how much they love what they do yet they realize the hardship it places on their family when they are not around.”

Mr. Jones laments the fact that he has had to miss several special events in the life of his family.

“My wife has really had to endure a lot,” said Mr. Jones.  “She has to take care of all the children's needs, make sure all the bills get paid and deal with the loneliness. I am really fortunate to have found someone that is able to do all that on her own. As for me, it gets hard at times constantly being away.   I think the one thing that makes it bearable is that we trust each other to do the right thing and she supports why I am here.”

The Rosbergs have been working with more than 128 Military Chaplains who are responsible for 66,000 soldiers.

 
“Our goal has been to help these soldiers have strong healthy marriages that stand the test of time and separation,” said Dr. Rosberg.  “Communication has been a big issue.  I was quite surprised when one of the Majors talked about technology sometimes actually hurting family relationships more than helping.”  

In the past soldiers received letters from home about events that happened weeks ago, but with current technology many soldiers are able to webcam with their families.  Instead of having a conversation that is a time of real connection with loved ones, it often becomes a time of conflict over an argument between the kids that occurred just minutes before the phone call and the call ends on a sour note.

“So far I have only been able to communicate with my husband through email,” said Mrs. Jones.  “I am hopeful that we will be able to talk soon.  I have always tried to keep conversations with my husband upbeat because I know he worries about our family.  There will be plenty for him to deal with when he returns.  At this point I am relying on friends and family to help me deal with whatever comes up.  If we allow our phone time to be taken up with discipline issues and discussions about needed repairs, we never get to the good stuff so we try to put boundaries around our calls to make sure we are building up our relationship versus tearing it down.”

• There are many ways citizens can be supportive of military families.  Here are a few:
• Take the children for a few hours to give respite to the parent.
• Say thank you.  These families make a significant sacrifice on behalf of our country.  To acknowledge this to the families is huge.
• Include the sons of deployed dads in your father/son activities - they get tired of being stuck with just the girls. Same thing for daughters if the Mom is the military member.
• Organize meals just like you would for a new baby - set one night a week aside to deliver food to the family.
• Have your whole block show tie yellow ribbons around trees to help everyone remember their deployed neighbor.
• Check on the family regularly. The spouse left behind needs to know that another grown up is around even if they don't need anything.
• Invite the family along on outings with your family even if it's just for a quick ice cream.
• Think about chores dads do - help with the garbage cans each week or offer to change the oil in the car. Help with the window air conditioners or just getting the Christmas tree into the house.
• Write letters to the deployed soldier letting him/her know you are watching over their family.

“We need to be intentional and proactive to serve military families,” said Dr. Rosberg.  “In a remarkable way they are allowing us to sit back and reap the benefits while they are serving on our behalf.”

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