When Catherine* and her husband separated their children were 3, 7 and 9.
“Our separation and divorce was amicable,” said Catherine. “We were friendly and worked well together. I would babysit the kids for him and he would return the favor for me. I often thought if we could have gotten along this well when we were married we would have never divorced.”
After about nine months their relationship turned ugly. Catherine found herself in a situation where she and her ex-husband could not be in the same room without arguing or horrible fighting.
“I will never forget the time my youngest was clinging to me and crying, saying he didn’t want to go,” said Catherine. “I had to peel him from my body, hand him to his daddy, turn around and go in the house and throw up. Sometime later he said, ‘I don’t want to go, but if I cry it doesn’t matter.’ I told him that was right. It nearly ripped my heart out.”
The reality is that smooth transitions and difficult ex-spouses don’t tend to go together. The goal is to make transition times as smooth as possible. People often think that if they are reasonable the ex will be reasonable. That is not always the case. In some instances you just have to be decent.
“I frequently remind people that some of what happens during a transition is up to you and some is not,” said Ron Deal, author of The Smart Stepfamily and the web book, Parenting After Divorce at www.successfulstepfamilies.com. “The challenge for co-parents is to set aside personal issues and focus on the parental issues at hand.
An old African proverb says, ‘When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.’ Biological parents who fight and refuse to cooperate are trampling on their most prized possessions- their children.”
To help diminish conflict, Mr. Deal suggests taking a 3x5 card and writing down your goal for the parental task at hand, whether it is making a phone call to determine drop-off arrangements or talking in person about an issue at school. Script out what you want to say. This will help you stick to the topic and hopefully achieve your goal.
“Many parents have shared how successful they have been at using the 3x5 cards,” said Mr. Deal. “The script keeps you from getting side-tracked. If you are calling about visitation arrangements and your spouse brings up something else, instead of changing topics you could respond by saying, ‘I know that is a problem, what time should I pick him up?’ This helps keep the conversation civil and nonreactive. ”
Mr. Deal gives the following additional suggestions:
- Avoid doing things that put your child in a position to choose between one home or the other.
- Schedule a monthly “business” meeting to discuss co-parenting matters.
- Don’t disappoint your children with broken promises or by being unreliable.
- Make your custody structure work for your children even if you don’t like the details of the arrangement.
“It is common for couples to move in and out of higher levels of cooperation,” said Mr. Deal. “Things are usually worse right after the divorce. Your goal is to create a strong boundary between old marital issues and the current parental relationship.”
*Name was changed
