Dr. Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, is world renowned for her work on erotic intelligence and intimacy in marriage. At a recent international Smart Marriages conference, Dr. Perel shared about how dating couples who are madly in love lose the spark when they marry and how to put the excitement back in marriage.
“I love her, but I’m not in love with her.” “I know he loves me dearly,” “He never talks to me and then suddenly approaches me and scratches my back and thinks we can have sex.” “I am always interested. He is never interested.” “I cannot remember the last time we had sex.” “When you have been rejected countless times you kind of get the message.”
Does any of this sound familiar in your marriage?
“People come in my office and say they love each other very much, but they have no sex life,” said Dr. Perel. “For the first time in history, we want to have physical sexual relationships just because we want it – not to produce children. Desire has become core to sexuality and related to intimate connection.”
Why does sex often fade in couples? Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex? Why does the transition to parenthood spell erotic disaster?
“In an individualized culture we have lots of choices, but we also feel more alone,” said Dr. Perel. “We have to create our own sense of community, belonging, identity and unity. We meet one person and we want to get from that one person all the things that the community used to give – comfort, stability, safety, security, predictability, dependability, reliability AND a sense of awe, adventure, mystery, and risk. How do we develop with the same person both comfort and spontaneity, stability and excitement, consistency and surprise?”
Perel believes the first step is understanding that this is a problem we will not necessarily solve. It is a paradox we learn how to manage and we understand that it changes over time.
Most couples say they want sex that allows them to experience connection, renewal and playfulness. Here are some suggestions for enhancing your sex life.
- Break the rules - After you drop the kids off at school, instead of rushing into work, go back home and spend some time together.
- Create an email address just for the two of you – No discussion about the children or picking up dry cleaning. This space is reserved for flirting, sweet love notes, sharing, foreplay and talking with the one you cherish.
- Put the children in their rightful place – A child’s most important need is to have their parents together. Parents disregard taking time for themselves for fear of neglecting the children. Kids have new activities, new clothes, play dates, etc. while their parents may have two dates a year and they wear the same old clothing.
- Save the best of yourself for your mate – How often do you dress up for others and give your best at work or a lunch meeting?
It is a myth that good sex is always spontaneous. Dr. Perel would say that committed sex is not spontaneous. To have it you need to want it and to want it you need to feel you deserve it. Good sex is willful and intentional.
