“With little input from us, our children get to choose who we will be spending thanksgiving with for years to come and who will be the parents of our grandchildren,” said Dr. Bill Doherty, Professor, the University of Minnesota, Family Social Science Department.
“This is a scary thing. A big measure as to how we did as parents will come from our kids’ choice for a mate and how they do marriage.”
Doherty contends that most parents operate from the myth that they will launch their children at 18 and then again after college. The average kid leaves home for good at age 26, which means there is a tremendous amount of time to transmit values and beliefs about marriage to our children.
“There is almost nothing written about the topic of raising children for good marriages,” said Dr. Doherty. Yet, a happy marriage is at the very top of people’s life goals and there are enormous beliefs associated with this goal.”
Question: What and how have you taught your children about having a good marriage and did you make it explicit? Did your own parents teach you anything about having a good marriage and what was that?
According to Dr. Doherty, the culture teaches people a lot about marriage with wrong messages like: Marriage is all about finding the perfect person. The perfect person will be your soulmate. Marriage is about making me happy. Conflict is a sign that you married the wrong person. Inlaws are painful and to be avoided if at all possible. You have to be financially stable and secure before it makes sense to marry. And, divorce is the only alternative when you’ve lost that loving feeling.
“Marriage has become a consumer lifestyle that people believe is designed to make ‘ME’ happy versus a citizen marriage where two people build something together, cultivate it and take responsibility for it as a team.”
How do parents teach children marriage? When Dr. Doherty asked his grown children what he and his wife had taught them about marriage, Elizabeth shared that she clearly knew she had married parents, not just two parents. The Dohertys had made the fact that they were married very clear and obvious to her. One way they made it obvious was through their conversations. They had their own subject matter and were clearly content to have conversations that did not include the kids and were not about their children.
“I believe there are a number of ways parents teach children about marriage,” said Dr. Doherty. “It starts with having a good marriage yourself and parenting your children so they will have the capacity for a lasting marriage. It is critical that we parent our children with love and limits. But, having a good marriage and being good parents is not enough. We have to be intentional about teaching, coaching and mentoring our children when it comes to teaching them marriage.”
Don’t take for granted that your children understand why you do certain things.
For example, when you go to the movies or out on a date tell your children that you like to do things together to rekindle your marriage as opposed to you just like to see movies or you are just tired of being around them.
“As parents, we need to take advantage of teachable moments,” said Dr. Doherty. “We can talk about what we think are important qualities in people worth dating, what kind of people make great romantic partners, etc. Don’t let the eye rolling thing discourage you. As my friend Emily Scott Lowe says, ‘It’s their job.’ Our job is to be on guard for the right moment when we can make comments about the values we think are important on the dating scene.”
Research consistently shows that teens do care what their parents think. Young people who know their parents don’t want them using drugs or having sex are less likely to participate in those activities. Kids also get a sense from their parents as to when is too early to get married.
“The comments that we make about other people’s marriages, mate selections and divorces in the presence of our children is also part of our teaching,” said Dr. Doherty. “When you talk about people who have strong marriages, talk about the qualities you admire about their marriage relationship. In the midst of a friend’s divorce, our discussion was about our concern and sadness for the couple and their children – not ‘We knew they would never make it.’
“We must tell our children what we hope for them. I don’t know a parent who aspires for their children to have a marriage that ends in pain and a risky re-marriage. Giving our children the ability and confidence to do marriage well is one of the greatest gifts we can give them.”
