A group of adults were asked to take a pop quiz on teen culture. One of the first questions was, “Who do teens view as their role models?” Answers ranged from Britany and Lil Wayne to Paris Hilton and Brad Pitt. Participants were shocked to learn that in numerous surveys the number one answer is consistently parents, with teachers landing in second place.
“I believe parents consistently underestimate their influence when it comes to their kids,” said Dr. Meg Meeker, pediatrician, author of Strong Father Strong Daughters, and Boys Should Be Boys and mother of four kids. “It is interesting to me that when children are in the midst of the “terrible twos” parents rarely question their parenting skills. They just know that this is a stage and it will pass. But when our kids approach the teens years many parents often become intimidated, overwhelmed and uncertain about their parenting abilities.”
According to Dr. Meeker, during the tweenager and teen years parents actually see a regression in the behavior of their young person.
“I encourage parents never to take their child’s behavior personally,” said Dr. Meeker. “Teenagers typically regress in their behavior acting much the same as toddlers. They stomp, slam doors, mumble words under their breath, say ‘no’ and throw temper tantrums. Recognizing this as just another developmental stage depersonalizes it and makes it easier to deal with.”
Dr. Meeker is on a mission to help parents connect better with their kids, be a stronger presence and encourage them in a healthy direction. She hopes to dispel any sense of fear that they won’t make a difference.
“I think parents would be shocked to know that in surveys where middle school/high school kids were asked if they spent enough time with their parents, 21 percent said no,” said Dr. Meeker. “When parents were asked the same question, only 8 percent said they need more time with their kids. Our kids want more time with us, but we don’t believe they do.”
When it comes to connecting with your kids, Dr. Meeker makes the following suggestions:
• If at all possible, be there in the morning when they get up, when they come home from
school and at supper time. This is when kids tell us they really connect with parents.
• Ask open ended questions, but don’t automatically respond. Parents often hang
themselves by reacting to the information their child gives them. Just LISTEN. Sometimes duct tape is useful for helping resist the urge to respond.
• Simplify your outlook on parenting. This is not about being the perfect parent and
feeling like you have to make every moment count.
• Pick your battles about where to expend your energies because a lot of it will
pass. Our job is to raise a healthy 25-year-old, at 8, 10, 16 and even 20 they aren’t there yet. Just because they aren’t where you want them to be at 18 doesn’t mean you failed. Brain studies indicate that the frontal lobe, the area that controls impulse and emotion, isn’t developed until the mid-20s.
• Stop comparing your kids to other children. We tend to compare our kids and convince
ourselves we are failing. Keep your eyes on the long term goal.
• Acknowledge parent to parent peer pressure. If we are honest the real reason we
over-schedule our kids is because our friends over-schedule their kids. Over-scheduling kids is horrible for everybody. Kids need to learn how to deal with boredom. If we set our kids up to never know how to deal with empty time they will be miserable adults.
“As children become adults, typically their reflections on their younger years aren’t about the stuff their parents gave them,” said Dr. Meeker. “They are more likely to be about the moments their parents spent with them in the car, doing laundry, or cooking a meal. There is no substitute for living life along-side each other. It is the one on one time that changes a kid’s life.”
