“Shocked” is the word Bob and Susan Locke used to describe the birth of their second child Lyndi who arrived 11 weeks early.
“Lyndi weighed three pounds four ounces,” said Mrs. Locke. “We didn’t know anything about caring for a preemie. When we went home and she was still in the intensive care unit we were just praying that she would live.”
The Lockes were swimming in uncharted waters. The medical personnel gave them a lot of information, but the Lockes didn’t feel like any of it was very hopeful. Lyndi made great progress in a short amount of time. Even though the doctors had told the Lockes that Lyndi has cerebral palsy and possibly other complications, the fact that she was doing so well made it hard to believe.
“We kept taking Lyndi to the hospital for check ups,” said Mrs. Locke. “When the doctor told us she had cerebral palsy and made statements like, ‘She won’t ever do this,’ and ‘She won’t ever do that,’ I walked out of there feeling like I couldn’t breathe. Here was this child who looked perfect, like a little baby doll and they were telling us all these things she would never do. I was furious.”
Lyndi is now 15 and the Lockes are approaching their 20th wedding anniversary. While many couples find it challenging to have a strong and healthy marriage under the best of circumstances, having a child with special needs can take this to a whole new level.
“When you first learn that your child will have special needs and care throughout life, you can be emotionally overwhelmed,” said Sheri and Bob Stritof in their article, The Impact of a Disabled Child on Your Marriage: Your Marriage Can Be Forever Changed. “If you have a child with a disability or a chronic illness, you have realities to face. Your lives will never be the same. Your marriage will go through times of change as any relationship does, but it will encounter more challenges and stresses.”
When asked how they have kept their marriage strong in the midst of parenting three children, the Lockes said they have always put one foot in front of the other and worked together as a team.
“We have always approached our marriage and parenting as a team,” said Mrs. Locke. “Whenever I started asking, ‘What if….’ or getting worked up about something Bob just said, ‘Whatever we need to do, we’ll do it.’ He made it sound so simple. I am the one who gets caught up in the details. He has kept my feet on the ground and has been steady as you go through the years.”
For couples who are just beginning the journey of raising a child with special needs, the Lockes shared these words of wisdom:
- Remember that you are in this together. When issues arise, deal with the issue instead of taking your frustrations out on each other.
- Be willing to accept support from extended family and friends. “When we first came home from the hospital I was not allowed to drive,” said Mrs. Locke. “My friend Carrie drove me back and forth from the hospital. Through the years family and friends have been wonderful to include Lyndi in all kinds of activities. I believe this has made a huge difference in our marriage and for our family.”
- See your child as a gift no matter how he/she turns out and love him/her like crazy.“People have asked us if when Lyndi was born we asked, ‘Why us?’ “Honestly, I don’t remember doing that. I think it was more like, ‘Why not us?’”
- Don’t be afraid to let your child try new things.“Susan has always been the one to push Lyndi to try new things,” said Mr. Locke. “I am the protective one. Susan constantly reminds me that it is important to let Lyndi be as normal as possible.”
- Take good care of each other. Be sure you don’t neglect your marriage in the name of taking care of your child. A strong marriage provides great security for your child.
Having a special needs child certainly increases the potential for added stress to a marriage relationship. Consider taking care of your marriage a top priority because a strong marriage is the backbone of a healthy family.
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
