Betsy Broyles Arnold was living in Texas when her mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
“David and I were raising two children and leading busy lives,” said Mrs. Arnold. “We decided to move back to Arkansas to help care for my mother. This meant a job change for my husband and adjustments for our family.”
While Mrs. Arnold was thankful for the opportunity to share in the care-giving responsibilities she is quick to point out that there was a price to pay.
“I am grateful I married a patient man because many days I would leave early in the morning and come home late, often missing our kid’s special events,” said Mrs. Arnold. “The good news was my husband was running interference for me, which at least removed some of the pressure.”
After a certain point, Alzheimer’s patients cannot be left by themselves so the Arnolds moved in with her mom and dad. Caretaking went from an eight or twelve hour a day job to 24/7.
“While it made things easier on me, I think it made things harder on my husband and kids because there was no escaping it,” said Mrs. Arnold. “My husband would often ask when I was going to make time for him. I reminded him that this was time limited, my mother was going to die and our lives would move forward. If my husband had not been so understanding, I am pretty certain our marriage would not have survived. There were times when I knew my family needed me, but my mom needed me too. If I was forced to choose, 90 percent of the time I chose my mom.”
Guilt, frustration and sometimes anger are a few of the emotions Mrs. Arnold grappled with knowing she wasn’t being the kind of mother and wife she wanted to be.
Barbara Broyles battle with Alzheimer’s ended 4 years after her initial diagnosis.
“After her death there was a huge void in my life,” said Mrs. Arnold. “My husband and kids thought they had me back, but I was exhausted and depressed. It took about a couple of years for our marriage to get back on track and for things to be ‘normal again.’
“My Dad, Frank Broyles, decided early on that my mother’s diagnosis was not going to be a death sentence for our family,” said Mrs. Arnold. “Together we decided to celebrate every day, make the most of the memories and to live life with no regrets. There were plenty of heartbreaking moments, but there were also great memories made during that time.”
Coach Broyles and his family decided the greatest way to honor his wife was to write a playbook for families caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. Coach Broyles’ Playbook for Alzheimer’s Caregivers: A Practical Tips Guide is available from www.alzheimersplaybook.com.
A few of the golden nuggets they share to help couples keep their marriage strong during these stressful times include:
- Communication and working together are critical
- Don’t allow yourselves to move away from each other
- Acknowledge the wide array of emotions you are feeling
In addition to sharing what they learned in the playbook, the Broyles/Arnold family speaks across the country on the impact of Alzheimer’s disease on marriages and families.
Copyright ©2010 First Things First
